What Day is it?

"Mom, I hate to tell you this now when you just came home, but Bill got laid off. I had to get a job, but I've hired around the clock care givers so you won't have to go to a nursing home. You can stay home like you always said you wanted to do if you couldn't care for yourself. Oh there's my phone, I better get it in case its the kids. Oh, hi Wendy. No, I'm at my Moms. Just brought her home from the hospital. I didn't tell you? She had cancer. They had to remove her larynx. No, she's in pretty bad shape from the MS. No,I could never do that, she's always said she wanted to stay home where all her happy memories are. Yeah. I better go, I'll call you later. Bye. The garden is starting to look really nice Mom. Maybe one the girls will take you out to sit tomorrow. Its supposed to be sunny and 75, not bad for May second. I need to get going. I'll try and stop by one afternoon after work next week.

Gosh, I'm really getting hungry and thirsty. I wish the girl would hurry up and bring me my coffee and breakfast. I glance over at the clock on my nightstand and see that its 9:30. No wonder I'm so hungry. What can she possibly be doing out there? At least she helped me to the bathroom earlier. For awhile there I thought I'd wet my pants.

I'm going to starve to death! Seriously, I'm going to starve. Its 12:39. Where the hells my food? 1:00, 1:00 and she's just now bringing me a sandwich and some juice. Man could I do with a cup of coffee. Ahh. She did something right. She opened the curtains. I can look out the window. The feel of the sun shining on my face lifts my spirits. I wish I was out there. I wish Janie was here. I wish she didn't have to go back to work.

Oh good the girl from last night is back. This one smiles and makes better meals. She's quite pretty with her long brown hair, high cheek bones and dark brown eyes. She kind of looks like my Janie. 5:00 rolls around and I have fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn and even a glass of wine. This is more like it. I wonder what's on TV? Where's the remote? I glance around and spot it on the dresser. I try to hollar for the girl forgetting I can't speak. What's her name anyway? Neither of them introduced themselves come to think of it. How strange. Manners aren't what they used to be. I would of had to yell hey girl.

I wake up to find the drapes closed again. Why does the girl close them? It's not like anybody's going to see in. I'm surrounded by woods for God sake. I really have to pee. I hope the girl comes in soon. I look over at the clock and see it's 9:00. Sheesh I slept late. I keep waiting, surely she'll come in soon. It's 9:30 I don't know how much longer I can hold it. My control isn't the greatest. Oh crap! I just peed my pants.

The pees gotten cold and I've gotten cold because of it. I'm covered in goose bumps shivering under my covers. I need a bell. Why has no-one thought of a bell? And a damn pen and paper.

She shows up at 10 :30 with eggs and juice. Of course she notices the smell right away. She helps me into the shower and onto my little seat there. I clean myself as she changes the sheets. Afterwards I get to enjoy some cold eggs and warm juice. Janie would have made me fresh eggs. Janie wouldn't have left me to pee myself. Unfortunately she didn't open the drapes and the remote is still on the dresser. Its going to be a long boring day.

The week goes on about the same, but the girl doesn't make the same mistake of not helping me to the bathroom first thing in the morning. The drapes have remained closed and I'm going stir crazy. The night girl told me Janie called and that she's coming by tomorrow after work. I'm so excited. I have something to look forward to. I hope she brings the kids.

"Hi Mom! I miss seeing you everyday. Works been good. The tips have been great. There's a lot of people who have their business lunches there so we're really busy. How are the girls working out? Good? Sorry I don't have the kids with me, I came straight from work after stopping at the grocery store. Oh, I bought you a gift. It's a historical romance. I know how you love to read those. I see your drapes are closed. Didn't want to look at the dreary day huh. All that sunshine the past week and today there is such gloom and doom. I also brought some food from the restaurant for the girl to heat up for your dinner tonight. Its their lasagna. It's not as delicious as yours, buts its really good. I thought you would enjoy it. I can't stay. I left your groceries with the girl to put away, but mine are still in the car."

I wonder what day it is? I wonder how long I've been stuck in this room. Janie used to take me outside a couple times a week at least. We used to sit in kitchen playing cards or at the dining room table doing a puzzle. I wish we still did that. I wonder why we don't anymore. The drapes have been closed forever it seems. If not for the difference of the day girl and the night girl, I wouldn't know if it was day or night. I miss outside. I miss getting out of this bed.

I miss my coffee. What does the girl think that coffee pot on the counter is for? I wonder if it's Summer yet? Why doesn't someone give me a pen and paper so I can communicate? They did in the hospital. God, that seems ages ago. I've read that book Janie gave me so many times I think I've memorized it. You'd think one of them would notice the TV and give me the remote that's been sitting on the dresser. But no, of course not. It's like I'm in my own personal torture chamber.

I look around my room at the burgundy walls, the gold and burgundy matching drapes and bedspread, the rich mahogany furniture all the things I once thought were lovely. I close my eyes and picture myself out in the garden. Tears steam down my cheeks as silent sobs escape my lips. I open my eyes to stare at the burgundy walls, the matching burgundy and gold drapes and bedspread, the rich mahogany furniture. I close my eyes and picture something else, only to cry once again. I open my eyes to look at the burgundy walls, the matching burgundy and gold drapes and bedspread, the rich mahogany furniture. I repeat this process over and over and over. Day after day after day.

"Hi Mom. You'll never guess what has finally happened. Bill found a job. Six months! Six months to find a job. We are so relieved. It's been so hard trying to make ends meet with just my income as a waitress. We figure I'll probably have to keep working for quite awhile before we're on our feet again. Thank goodness both kids are in school now. Hopefully in another six months we can start saving for retirement again. You and Dad were so smart. If you didn't do it you wouldn't have been able to enjoy staying home like you are. Love you Mom. Got to rush off."

Six months! I've been lying in this bed in this room for six months. I haven't seen my grandkids in six months. I haven't been outside in six months. I haven't had a conversation in six months. The drapes have been closed except for the first week for six months. I haven't even felt the sun on my face in six months. I haven't sat other than being wheeled to the bathroom and in the shower for six months. I haven't had coffee in six months. I haven't watched TV in six months. I haven't communicated in six months. I feel as though I have been dead for six months. "Enjoying staying in this house" what a joke. I would rather be in a nursing home. The girls aren't bad, my needs are met. There's just nothing extra. No warmth.

MY brain hurts from thinking too much. That's all there is to do. I want to play cards. I want to go outside. I want to watch the damn TV. The walls are closing in on me. I want to be in a different room. I want someone to to have a conversation with. I want someone to care about me. I want someone to hold me. I think I'm going crazy. I think maybe I died in surgery and this is Hell

"Trick or Treat Grandma!" The tears pour down my cheeks. I'm so utterly happy to see my grandkids. They each give me big hugs. I haven't had a hug in so long. I don't want to let go but I know I must. I wish I could talk to them. Tell them how much I've missed them. How much I love them. They look so utterly adorable. Daniel, my handsome blond haired, green eyed seven year old is dressed as Superman. Alec is a sweet little brown eyed, brown haired Batman. "They wanted to stop by and show you their costumes before we head out to trick or treat. Don't they look awesome? We brought you some candy. I'll see you next week."

I'll keep that memory fresh in my mind to get me through my days. I got an extra five minute visit this week. It was nice to have a day that was different besides getting to see my munchkins. One day just blends into the next. Nothing ever changes. Nothings ever different. Nothings ever fun. I wish I would get sick so I could go to the hospital again. God, there must be something wrong with me. What a terrible thought to have. God please help me.

Well, something has finally changed. The pretty one forgot to turn off the lights. I can't sleep. Its too bright in here. I glance at the clock, it's 2:00 a.m.. I pick up my book to read. After reading it about 20 times surely it should bore me enough to put me asleep. 3:00 and still awake. I wish I had one of those sleep mask.

I wake up exhausted. Last time I checked the clock it was 3:33. Must have been a lucky number. I could really use a cup of coffee this morning. Fat chance of that. I wonder what day it is. I wonder if we've had any snow yet. I reminisce of playing in the snow as a child and with Janie. I don't really like the cold anymore, but I used to love playing in it, building snowmen and snow forts.

"Merry Christmas Mom" "Merry Christmas Grandma" I get more of those wonderful hugs. I hold on a bit longer this time. "We can't stay, we have to go to Bills parents. Here's your gift. I hope you like it." It's another historical romance. I'm very grateful for something new to read. They immediately rush out of the house. Am I that horrible to visit with. They used to stay for hours playing cards or games with me. I know I can't talk anymore and Im sure its not pleasant to stand around visiting with me lying in my bed, but they could help me into my chair and take me out into the family room. Boy would I love to sit up. Its a wonder I don't have bed sores. I open my book and begin to read.

I think I'm going crazy. I just can't take this anymore. These endless days. I need out of this room. Has Easter come yet I wonder. I hope its coming up soon and Janie brings the kids. I need to hug them. I need human contact. Maybe its getting close to bed and I can go to sleep. Oh its only 1:00. That's right, I didn't have dinner yet. Maybe its closer to bed now. 1:18? That can't be right.

Oh thank goodness dinner is here. Now its finally getting closer to bedtime. Maybe I'll get lucky and have a nice dream. At least tonight is my favorite meal, roast beef. Janie may rush out ever time she visits but she does good grocery shopping.

Maybe its bedtime. Closer, 8:00. Mayybe I'm getting a little tired. Let me check the time again, 8:05. Let me just check, 8:12. Lets see, 8:21. Surely now, 8:45.I'm definitely feeling tired. One last look, 9:01. My eyelids are starting to feel heavy. I think I might fall asleep early. One for sure last look, 9:16.

Is my room getting smaller? The walls seem to be closing in on me and I thought I had nine foot ceilings, but maybe they're just eight feet. This room used to be bigger I'm sure. I think the paint is getting darker too. I wish I had painted it a brighter color. Why did I buy such thick curtains. I wish I had hung sheers. Pretty yellow walls with white sheers, white furniture and white bedding would be so cheerful. What was I thinking when I decorated this room?

"Good morning Miss. My name is Ava. I'm your new daytime care giver. Let me help you to the bathroom before we start this beautiful first day of May." As Ava wheels me out of the bathroom I notice my drapes are open. The room no longer looks so dark, with the wondrous sun shining in . She doesn't wheel me back to my bed. She takes me to the kitchen, my beautiful bright sunny kitchen, and helps me into a kitchen chair. I'm sitting in a real chair.

"I thought after breakfast I could take you for a walk since its so lovely out. Then maybe just sit in the garden for awhile. What do you think?" I vigorously shake my head yes.

"What would you like for breakfast this fine morning? I almost forgot, let me find a pen and paper." Surely I've died an gone to heaven. She returns with pen and paper. I write in big bold capital letters COFFEE .