The heart of the matter

“Today, I will break up with my boyfriend.” I said as I lost yet another staring contest with the ceiling. I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. I looked at my phone and it’s 4:31 PM. It’s been an hour. Time is a funny thing, the way it forces me to get out of bed is amusing. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I went outside hoping to get warmth from the sun, even just a little bit. “Today, I will break up with my boyfriend.” I said as I went back inside, drank water and ate a banana. I made coffee and opened my computer, stared at the blank page document and closed it. I turned on the TV and binge-watched RuPaul’s drag race. My mom joined me and then cooked dinner. I looked at my phone and it’s 10:58 PM. I still have no message from him. I opened the inbox, it said there that it had been seen already, and still no reply. Should I break up with him? But maybe he has a reason. There has to be, right? Maybe I should wait until tomorrow. I watched a couple more episodes until my eyes hurt and went to bed.

The first thing I did when I woke up the next day was check my phone. No reply from him still. “Today, I will break up with my boyfriend.” The way I said it was like a reminder, almost. I let out a sigh, stared at the ceiling and questioned myself. What’s wrong with my message? I read it again, for the thirteenth time, I only wanted to know what’s going on with him and I was just trying to communicate my feelings. And then I thought, okay maybe it was a bit more like a rant. Or maybe a bit demanding. I let out another sigh.

I got out of bed after another hour or so. Washed my face and brushed my teeth. I went outside but it was gloomy. “Today, I will break up with my boyfriend.” I told the grey sky like it was a promise. I went back inside, drank water and ate bananas, this time they were fried. As I was eating, I thought, maybe I should start writing today. I made coffee and opened my computer, reread a draft that I found, only to close it again. I turned on the TV and binge-watched RuPaul’s drag race, my now favourite show. During dinner my mom asked me what was going on. I almost said I had no idea, but she was asking about me, and not him— not us, which I think was good also, because I wouldn’t know what to say. Even though I know that of course, she sensed that it was because of him. I had covered it up and said I was just feeling uninspired.

As I was washing dishes, I heard a voice in my head saying, “Today, I will break up with my boyfriend.” I thought about our last interaction, I tried looking at it from a different angle and decided to text him. I started with, “Hey, sorry about the things that I said, it wasn’t thought through. Can I talk to you?” To my surprise, it only took him two minutes to reply. He said, “Good thing I didn’t send you my initial reply to that. Yeah, let’s talk, but not now, I’m out.” My heart dropped to my gut. I just replied with, “Okay, let me know.”

He didn’t tell me to wait but I waited. I kept checking my phone. Every hour. Every thirty minutes. I watched another episode of RuPaul’s drag race. I laughed so hard, I cried. In every episode, RuPaul would always say, “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” And it just hit me.

A lot of times, I wondered why my romantic relationships didn't last. And every time I’m left alone, I ruminate on what I need to change about me, so that things can work. A friend once pointed out that whenever I’m in a relationship, it’s as if I’m taking an examination where I need not to fail. I didn’t understand it fully, until now. Maybe it has been like some kind of a personal vendetta, that I have to prove that I am worthy. To prove that I can love, and be lovable.

For a long time, I never liked my reflection in the mirror. I’d always had to put makeup on because I didn’t feel confident on how I look. Because in the past, I’d get left behind. In the past, I was never chosen, I felt like I’m always second best, that I had to be perfect. So I’d always paint my face to look and feel beautiful. And then I’d hear people talk about beauty and how it comes from within, so I thought I had to be more patient, be the bigger person, shut my mouth even when I’m hurting, just to keep the peace, and to keep the relationship.

Growing up, I wasn’t given any kind of attention that I wanted from my parents. My dad left us when I was five, and my mom would always shut me down, because she was always focused on work, in order for her to raise and feed me. My younger self thought that I should be grateful, because some people have worse situations where they don’t have anyone, that’s why it was easy for me to bite my tongue, and conceal my feelings to keep things and people.

I fell in love with the idea of love growing up, and I wanted to experience it so bad. I wanted to love and be loved. I’d always lift other people up and cheer for them, even when I haven’t started dating, I’d always be there for my friends and family. I remember I was in a baking competition supporting a friend. I was asked by another friend why I hadn't joined the competition, she said she thinks that I’m really good. I remember how I shut her comment down and told her that I’m not good, and how I’m only a supporter and cheerleader.

I realised how much of a disservice I have done to myself. I was self sabotaging. I have been loving my whole life, and I only got it this time. I was accustomed to love that’s taking and I would always be giving, regardless. I was right about needing to change myself, but not in the way I did in the past. I needed to embrace all of my flaws and potentials, and lift myself up. I need to gather all that love I’ve been giving away, and give them all to myself, this time. I cried myself to sleep.

The next day, I called my boyfriend on the phone. I told him that I love him, but I can’t pretend anymore. It was hard speaking and my tears were falling uncontrollably. I thought my heart was going to explode because of the heaviness that I’ve been feeling, but with every word I said, I felt lighter. It was freeing.

Today I broke up with my boyfriend. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. And then I cried. I smiled and cried, like a crazy person. Looking at my reflection, my eyes were tired, but there was a sense of liberation in them that felt like a hug from my soul, telling me that I did great today, and that she is proud of me. It took so long but I finally realised that the heart of the matter is the heart, my heart, and starting today, I am choosing and loving myself first.