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Contemporary

 

“See, a good steak dinner serves a purpose,” sez Andre, knifing a hunk out of a slab of cow. “Scientists theorize that at one point, way back in primordial Africa, the human race came close to extinction. This was like a million years ago, before we were humans, there was this drought, and when the water became scarce, plant life became scarce. At that point, seems like these critters were mostly vegetarian, so when the plants and berries went, so did most of the race. Being vegan nearly killed the future of the human race. Then one smarty ape picked up a bone or rock and bashed a boar over the head with it and ate its flesh and lived long enough to catch others onto the idea.” 

“Seems like you're just summarizing the opening scene of 2001.” 

“Well Arthur Clarke got it right, di’n’t he?”

At this point Andre starts to choke. I move to get up, but he manages to spit out the half chewed chunk of blubber. Then he shovels in another piece.   

“Way I see it, all races are vampiric by nature. Literally every creature in existence is forced to survive by consuming and draining the nutrients of another, whether it be plant or animal or fungus. “There’s not a creature in existence that doesn’t benefit from the death of another.” I read that somewhere once. I think it may have been Spencer or Tenyson, but I’ve never been able to find that quote again. Anyway, it is this adoption of a carnivorous diet, that, you know, greatly expanded our options and let our species rebound.  More importantly, this new omnivore lifestyle, it physically changed us. Meat has nutrients plants don’t have. It made us stronger, taller, and all that rich iron went to our brain, which, you know -” 

He twirled a fork in the air, blood juices dripping off it, trying to think of the word - 

“- made it brain better,” Here he goes on a slight tangent, “That, and the fact that humans used to have bigger heads, which made birth a lot more dangerous, trying to push that big head through the birth canal, squeezing it in the process - so over time our heads became smaller, the brain more compact, which made it more efficient. There is efficiency in compactness.” 

The A-1 dribbles down his chin. He doesn’t bother to wipe it off. 

“Point being, bashing and stabbing, which is now intrinsically in our nature because of that struggle, allowed a more immediate food source - not to mention a brutal refining of our own race - which finally gave us time to sit on our leisurely ass, instead of spending 24 hours a day bumming around foraging for berries and mushrooms, and it’s that well-fed leisureliness that allowed for decadence, which was the first step to civilization as we know it.”  

“Andre, did you invite me over here just to bash hippies?” 

“Absolutely. They’re sick fucks who don’t shower, murder actors, and bonk you on the head with their dumb little picket signs anywhere within sniffing distance of a slaughterhouse. It’s the iron deficiency in the brain, I’m sure.”  

He tops me off. 

“Sure you won’t have anything? Chablis, on an empty stomach?” 

Me, nibbling a bread stick, I wave it around to show I’m stuffed with enough yeast to soak up the excess booze. 

He raises the flute glass, which he jokingly calls an ‘Elfin pimp chalice’ and knocks it against mine. 

“To all the whores, whose promiscuity restored and guided our race.” 

Downing the bottle, he continues to wax scientific: 

“You know that, of all simians, human males have the largest genitalia in proportion to body size?  It’s because human females tend toward partners with the biggest dicks. That’s one way sexual selection guided the course of our species, at any rate. In turn men tend to gravitate towards - uh, uh, for instance - shorter female partners, rather than tall ones, gradually -- midgetizing our race over time.” 

To humor him and avoid lapsing into awkward silence, I ask “What about the queers?” despite overhearing his hypothesis before:  

“Great question. Like, one in every ten people is a Liberace or Elton John or John Waters. At least one in ten. If everyone in the world  was straight, there would’ve been more people, which is no bueno. They don’t add to the population, which is precisely why this characteristic continues to crop up. It’s a populational control mechanism. Like a valve on a tap to regulate the outpouring of water. They’re like resistors, regulating the surge of the human population. We needed to rebound, but not too much.”  

When the chablis gets to the bottom, his head’s drooping and he’s lost me a little while ago, but he’s still at it. Wax on, whacks off: 

“See, the planets are balls, right? As if God had a septillion nutsacks, and only a few of which were fertile. For a while the sperm count was low, then it shot right back up. Now the one we’re swimming around in is going to hell in a handbasket and that count is on the fritz. We’re giving more critters the Dodo treatment, albeit unintentionally this time. Which in turn will bite us right on the crack, ‘cuz how can you chop Sushi when all the fish are rotting on your shores, like a fucking Khmer Rouge Killing Field for marine life? And I’ve accepted that. We’re fucked and I’ve accepted that.” 

He forks another slice and holds it up staring at it; then grins this big dopey grin and downs the rest of the glass.   

“Ya ever see that movie Tampopo? Where they’re sitting in this noddle joint and the older guy, he’s teaching the younger guy the right way to eat Tampopo. Stir the noodles, knock the broth off the vegetable, gently massage the slice of pork with your chopsticks and apologize to the animal by saying “see you soon.”     

He pounds a glob of steak sauce onto the slice and leaning in, whispers very gently to it: “I’ll see you in hell, you fucking cow.” 

Then he chews the last bite. 

April 22, 2021 22:30

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