Cockroach

I was at my dear friend Gustavo Soares' house when I went through a unique experience. Have a seat, this shall be on a whole other level of entertainment.

I was sitting in front of Gustavo Soares, between two other colleagues from our small group, Duda Barros and Maria Valentina Quintas. We had all met by chance in the neighborhood, specifically on Street A..., have you been there? No? It's right there by the P..., ring any bells? You still don't remember? Well, you should go there. They've opened a bakery at the end of the street. I've never tasted a potato bread better than the one they make. We should go together. Anyway, where was I? Right, we were sitting- Ah, no, I was talking about the street. We saw each other down the street and Gustavo Soares didn't take long before he invited us to visit his house. We agreed. All right, now, we were all in his living room, Duda Barros, Maria Valentina Quintas and myself sitting directly in front of him, all squeezed together on the small couch while he sat on his old brown armchair - keep its color in mind. Don't forget it, it was brown.

We talked about the progress on the constructions at C... when a memory came in through the window and hit my friend Gustavo Soares right in the forehead.

He said, "I'm going to tell you about something very curious that I've had happen to me last Monday morning. I was working on some papers, with a concentration impossible to break, when- hold on a second. Stay where you are, wait just one second. I saw a cockroach from the corner of my eye just now. I saw it there - he made sure to point at the bottom of the cabinet -, right there. How inconvenient, I told my brother to get rid of these spawns of the Devil, how come I just saw one? I swear I saw it. It's there somewhere, I swear I saw it."

"We believe you", Maria Valentina Quintas said.

I suppressed my laugh at the lady's tone of impatience, but it almost escaped through my lips. Duda Barros squeezed herself even further into the couch, as she was afraid of insects. I must say I'm not their biggest fan either, but I found no reason to panic.

Gustavo Soares scoured the room for a few more seconds before he went on with his story, but he still kept an eye out while resuming the course of the narrative.

"I was working on some papers when my secretary knocked on the door to tell me someone was waiting to see me. I have no friends besides the three of you, so I was suspicious. I thought it might be some secret agent. I’ve far too little time to turn my life into a movie, so I was ready to send him away when the man came in with no warning, and, guess what, it was Júlio Bandeiras. You heard it right, Júlio himself, the man who- There it is again, the scarecrow of peace. Do you see it?”

We were seeing it, indeed. It appeared from under the couch. Try and picture Duda Barros' frightened face upon seeing the sizable creature walking at high speed with its thin, filthy little legs. I, not that bothered, wanted only to hear the rest of the story and leave, so I could buy more potato bread for the evening coffee. Of course, as a decent human being, I raised my foot to escape from the beast.

Maria Valentina Quintas reached out to grab her shoe and do away with the small enemy for good. I admire her bravery. I could never kill a cockroach and dispose of its little body. I'm not scared of it, but I'm disgusted by it.

Before Maria Valentina Quintas could act, Gustavo Soares drew his own shoe from his foot.

"No, no, miss. Leave the honor of exterminating this foul animal to me."

Nothing could have prepared me for the spectacle that followed.

Gustavo Soares had barely closed in on the animal when it took off to the skies. Don't take this figuratively. I mean that the animal literally spread its wings and went off towards our dear friend Gustavo Soares.

The man let out a scream, fell to the floor, did a backward roll and flailed like a fish scared that the cockroach could be walking over his body. His shoe flew through the air. Again, I had to suppress a loud laugh.

"For the love of Santos Dumont! For the love of Santos Dumont, it flies! Save yourselves!"

Duda Barros was screaming, as she should, because the animal, after defeating Gustavo Soares, declared war with the girl. She got up from the couch and jumped behind the armchair, not taking her eyes off her rival.

Maria Valentina Quintas grabbed her shoe before anyone could stop her and threw herself towards the creature, when Gustavo Soares' brother, Pedro Soares, appeared hurriedly and rushed to help his brother.

"We have a Franz Kafka! A humongous Franz Kafka! Did I not tell you to get rid of this pest?"

"We have a Gregor Samsa, you mean?"

"Does it matter? Kill the archfiend!"

"Where is it?"

"It's gone!" Maria Valentina Quintas, who seconds before had gone into the ring to fight the animal, was looking around in search of the enemy.

Gustavo Soares wobbled his way to the armchair. Duda Barros came out of her hiding place. I broke the silence first:

"What were you saying about Júlio Bandeiras?"

"To hell with Júlio Bandeiras! We have an extermination in progress- Jesus!"

The moment Gustavo Soares was about to sit while wishing Júlio Bandeira would walk the fields of Lucifer, the cockroach resurfaced from the darkness, flying between my colleague's legs. The beast had camouflaged itself in the brown armchair! A second slower and it'd have been squashed by Gustavo Soares' buttocks! It would've been such a surprise at bath time.

Duda Barros fell to the side. Pedro Soares took the flip-flop off his foot and joined Maria Valentina Quintas in the fight. Gustavo Soares went down again, got up, flounced around, jumped, turned, became an Olympic medalist in diving. There's your movie, Gustavo Soares! Sold out in all theaters!

How did it end, you ask me? I wouldn't know. To hell with the cockroach! I left to buy my potato bread.