Stradivarius Violin

I received a call from the curator of The Musical Instrument Museum that is located in Phoenix, Arizona. They collect over 15,000 musical instruments and associated objects includes examples from nearly violins, guitars, pianos, trumpets and many other instruments. There was a shipment of Stradivarius Violins in route and other expensive instruments, even the bongos Michael Jackson once played (Bongo, Baby, Bongo is an episode of Jackson 5ive starring Joel Cooper, Paul Frees, and Donald Fullilove. Michael is kidnapped by a monkey who forces him to play the bongos), when suddenly the semi-truck that was secretly transporting all those priceless and expensive instruments was involved in a violent truck accident.

Mostly everything was accounted for except for a 15 million-dollar Stradivarius Violin. Much of the high value and prestige is due to the fact that it was made during Stradivari‘s “golden period“, and it is one that has not ever been played, after almost 300 years in existence.

The museum even put out a $25,000 reward for the return of the instrument. After several months Mr. Turnbuckle decided to hire me and my unique services. I was asking for 10% finder’s fee, plus expenses.

 It took 5 hours and 25 minutes when I landed in Phoenix, Arizona. It must have been 107 degrees on that sunny day. I had the cab driver to take me to the Rodeway Inn Downtown Phoenix. ($329 per night) they had the air condition on high. It was so hot even the cactus were begging for water.

I met the curators assistant Ms. McGillicuddy at Cibo Urban Pizzeria Cafe. 603 N. 5th Ave. Phoenix, AZ 85003. She was a rather tall sunburned attractive woman.

The only problem I had with her, was the use of the term basically this and basically that. I said, basically I like to solve this case and get back to normal warm weather. She laughed as if I told the joke of the year. I asked her, did she bring me pictures of the accident? She handed me the photos and location of the accident. She asked, basically why did I need that information. I said, I wanted to find out basically, if the accident was staged. Lolita's McGillicuddy’ s light green eyes lit up like the colors in the dark. She asked me, basically, if I would have dinner with her. I declined and went to the scene of the accident. There was nothing even showing there was ever a wreck, the cleanup work release prisoner’s crew did an excellent job.

About 330 yards away from the truck wreck I seen smoke coming from a shack. I finally discovered and old trail that led to a thatched covered hut. There was an old man who was playing the harmonica in c major. When I approached him, he pulled out a shot gun faster than the rifleman. I said that I came in peace while waving a 20-dollar bill. He offered me a cup of coffee from an old tin cup. I said, it wouldn't be wise for me to drink that mud in this kind of temperature. He laughed, displaying one or maybe two bottom teeth. I handed him another 20 and asked if he was around when two semis 16-wheeler trucks collided a few months ago. He said, it sounded like one of those E-tomic bombs exploded when those two trucks became one. There were instruments all over the place. I seen one of those policemen putting a few of them instruments in the back of his police car trunk.

Sit down young man and let me gives you some interesting factoid about contemporary policing: Back in say 2014 when I was a professor at Yale University. I had my students research how much do them copper steal at a crime scene. It’s only human nature I know, but them is some greedy S. O. B.’s. Our researched proved that for the first time ever, law enforcement officers took more property from American citizens than burglars did. Officers can take cash and property from people without convicting or even charging them with a crime yes soiree bob, really! 

 I even got me one of those old violins that didn't play worth a darn. I even tried to pawn it, and no one would give me two wooden nickels for it. I gave it to a friend of mine named Nathaniel Anthony Ayers, a dispossessed bum and former musician who developed schizophrenia and became homeless, who claims he used to be a successful violin player. Says he once studied at That Manhattan School of Music which is supposed to be the home to many of the finest violinists performing today. He always repeats that violin students are given selected access to prized Stradivari instruments for use in competitions and are afforded the opportunity to study with some of the most important violinists to ever perform. I think schizo ole Tony got hold of some bad drugs. I didn’t have the time nor the patience in that heat to find out what was the old man’s story. He plays in front of the Transforming Lives Center 1801 S. 35th Ave. Phoenix, AZ 85009. Everyday the old man toasted his hot cup of coffee in the air for some strange reason.

When I got there, he was playing Beethoven, Violin Sonata No. 9. No one was listening because half of the audience there were either sleep or drunk. 

I called Ms. McGillicuddy to meet me there in one hour. While I waited, I went to the pawn shop and purchased the most expensive violin they had. When I returned, I found Ms. McGillicuddy clutching her purse as if she had 6 bars of gold inside. I introduced her to Tony and asked him to play Berg, Violin Concerto No. 2. She couldn't believe her ears.

Then I asked her to look at the violin. It was the 15 million-dollar Stradivarius. I told her to distract the crazy looking Mr. Ayers while I switched the violins. How she asked, I said, basically use your womanly imagination. I told her to bend over and fart as if you ate army beans for 3 days straight and when he turned his back from the awful smell, I traded the violin. She said, basically I've never done anything like that in my life. I said, basically, just sign over the check for $150,000 plus expenses. I couldn't wait to get out of that microwave oven place Phoenix, Arizona.