ten seconds, ten memories

"10...9...8..."

Upon hearing the countdown to the New Year, I can't help but recall what my mum said to me earlier today, "When the countdown starts, I want you to remember everything that you're thankful for happening this year". Scoffing slightly at the proposal that I could be thankful for anything that has happened this year, I raise my drink to my mouth. As I graze the glass with my cherry flavoured lips, I think back with a regretful heart, reflecting on the year’s adventures and conquests one by one.

10-

January 1^st 2020

Everything was new, a clean slate from the former year. My mistakes and flaws wiped away with the cleansing hope of a better year than last. A new year. A new decade. A new me. Crisp sea air slapped me forcefully across the face as I stand at the very end of the pier, staring blankly at the abyss of never-ending water ahead of me. Wind playfully ran through my hair, tossing it in every direction thus causing it to be almost impossible for me to see; it lifted my trench coat, taking its hand and pulling it into a waltz. As I stood there, time seemed to pause momentarily and everything- excluding myself- had stopped. The piercing sound of the gulls that soured above my head had quietened, the mumbled chatter of people strolling idly behind me had ceased, the soothing reoccurring crash of the waves as they collided with the shoreline has silenced. It was a scene of utter peace. Blissfully unaware of the troubles that lie before me I suppose I felt hopeful. I was naïve, that much is obvious, but it is equally clear that for that short moment I was… delighted.

9-

September 19th 2020

20-30-40-

Absentmindedly I observed the dial as it climbs past the digits on the dashboard. Speeding through backroads, an irrational mind forbids me from lifting my foot off the pedal, all sense and intelligence pleaded with me to slow down but I was stubborn and committed. 03:21 was illuminated on the clock. It was late, but that was hardly my biggest problem in the situation I had currently landed myself in.

60-

Up, up, up it went still. Boundless fields zoomed past at the sides of me at immense speeds. I shuddered as a bolt of lighting struck down my back, the sudden feeling made me tighten my grip further around the leather steering wheel. Fixated on reaching the dark night that was (no matter how much the car speed up) unattainable, my unblinking eyes stared at the road in front of me as it was illuminated by the headlights.

70-

Emerald bushes, towering trees, twinkling stars, everything started to merge together into an incomprehensible spiral. Hands tightening still I was instantaneously conscious to what could only be described as my brain shutting down. Thoughts dispersed from my mind. Then…a movement so minuscule I’m still unsure if it was even calculated by my brain…I let go

8-

June 26^th 2020

Stubborn sticky pages cling to one another despite my desperate efforts to separate them. Gradually the realisation dawns on me that this may not go as well as my expectations had perceived. I had been craving waffles for weeks at that point so when I eventually decided to take the plunge, I was overly confident to put it simply. It had been an hour and I already had had 3 failed attempts. First batch I had idiotically mistaken the salt for the sugar and had created a batter saltier than the Mediterranean; second attempt I had poured over my pjs after I tripped over my own feet (I decided it was best to wear an apron after this incident) and my third attempt I had burned after I was distracted watching Countdown. Basically, I was reasonably fed up and was alarmingly close to scrapping the idea entirely. Although, despite all of the challenges I had faced, I made my first successful waffles. I felt strangely proud for such a minuscule achievement but it was a win and God only knew that I needed a win. I had been locked in my house, isolated, the only person available to comfort me was my reflection and more than anything I was desperate for something to give me the rush of serotonin I longed for. As I timidly raised my fork to my mouth I could sense it watering in anticipation. A sigh of relief escaped through my parted lips. They were delicious.

7-

March 12th 2020

“Ok great job group. I’m really impressed with your co-operation so far this session”, she took a break to glare directly into my eyes. Shame filled my entire body as her silence seemed to last an eternity; clearly we both knew she wanted me to acknowledge her disappointment in my lack of contribution. Returning to address the group as a whole she said, “I would like you to complete the sentence, when I lose weight I will…”. An uncomfortable hush draped itself over the room. Through no intent of my own, I felt myself begin to rise and get up from my chair (it squeaked slightly as the metal legs scraped along the wooden floor, echoing ominously around the barren room). Surprised eyes gazed in slight confusion as I opened my mouth to begin speaking. Wearily I pronounced, “When I lose weight… I will be the same person because my weight does not define me.”. Blatantly unsatisfied with my answer the host silently judged me. I proceeded anyway, “When I lose weight, I will wear the clothes that I wish because I am beautiful regardless of society’s standards. When I lose weight, I will eat whatever food I wish because as long as I am healthy, happy and I am doing what’s right for my body, that’s enough. When I lose weight, I will sing from my soul and dance in the rain because despite what everyone tells me, my weight is irrelevant. When I lose weight I… won’t care…”. Slightly taken aback by my outburst I fell into my seat and recoiled into myself but secretly I smiled as I realised that I had finally reached ‘acceptance’.

6-

November 29^th 2020

Frosted fingers that were frozen in the November chill fumbled with my keys as I strolled pensively between the looming weeping willows. Raising my head tentatively to look forward I saw a small detour from the main road that I had been walking down for the past hour and a half. Briefly, I turned to look behind me as to examine where I had just come from. It seemed unexpectedly undisturbed considering I had just walked through it. I turned back to face the path that veered off to the side. Deciding to walk down it, I venture on. Leaves that floated on the winds beckoned with their scrawny outstretched hands, ushering me to go further. Truly it was ethereal. After a short while of walking, eventually I found myself wandering idly through a forest. A forest in which the pine trees reached high into the sky gently caressing the heavens; a forest in which sunshine pored through the infrequent gaps in the foliage above thus highlighting the particles of dust. Enchanting bluebells, hardy bramble, charming common dog violet, luscious ivy, they all speckled the ground, dotting enticing bursts of colour into the hazel mulch that consumed the forest floor. In the distance I could faintly hear the bubbling of a flowing creek. Down to the smallest feature of that place, everything was perfect, it put me so at ease that it pained me to leave. Arriving home at last I was simply left wondering, when could I go back?

5-

August 13^th 2020

Leisurely I was awoken by the dappled sunshine that trickled over my face, tickling my eyes until they fluttered open. It was a morning similar to all other mornings but something was different. I was different. Darkness had consumed my life and the proposal of arising from my bed seemed futile, every action of mine was meaningless so what was the point of wasting energy in vain. However, whether it be the striking sunrise or the whimsical chirps of the birds something triggered a switch in my mentality. I was reborn with motivation. Suddenly all of the mundane tasks I was avoiding brought me immeasurable joy. My heart gladly rejoiced in life as it dawned on me that there is so much euphoria to be found in our world if we only know where to search for it. It comes to no surprise that I embraced this new mentality and held on tight to it for as long as I could. Being a realist, I was understanding that this feeling wouldn’t last forever, as my mental health is and most likely will always be fluid but, I was optimistic in my approach and tried to do as much as I could in the little time I had. Despite this moment being nothing of legend, it is a moment I will always treasure as it reminds me that things (regardless of how desperately sorrowful they may seem) do get better.

4-

February 4th 2020

Arriving home, I slip off my shoes and flop onto the bed feeling utterly downtrodden and dejected. I roll over to stare at the ceiling (I recall at that moment imagining how cool it would be if I had those glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling like I had when I was a child). How had a day destined to be so great been so abysmal? Somehow, everything universally possible to go wrong did go wrong. Ruined shoes and scraped elbows would undoubtedly haunt my dreams that night. Emotions turned and tumbled over one another creating an uncontrollable ruckus, thus making it so I couldn’t determine if I want to scream for hours into my pillow or sit in my shower crying until my eyes were red and puffy. What was apparent however was that I should get a hot drink. What I wanted, correction, what I needed was a relaxing night in front of the television to distract myself from the bully of a day I had just endured. Dawdling into the kitchen, I lazily flip on the kettle and toss a teabag into my favourite (if a little chipped) mug. Nonchalant I drag my feet to the fridge but I am suddenly stopped in my tracks as I feel my phone vibrate. It was the only message I had received all day but I didn’t care in the slightest because it was the only messaged I cared about. The messaged I had longed for all day, from the only person that mattered. A message that simply read

>happy birthday :)

3-

October 6^th, 2020

“Don’t you ever feel lonely living in your own little world?” she asked, dropping down on the floor next to me and hanging her feet over the building’s edge.

“Don’t you ever feel powerless living in someone else’s world?” I countered, my voice a whisper, gazing down at the city that was buzzing with wide eyes. We sat in silence for a considerable time after that interaction. Moreover, it wasn’t an awkward silence, in fact it was a content silence. We both had mountains of information to tell the other but that could wait. It was the first time in months we had seen each other and disregarding the underlying awkward tension that was best to be left unspoken, it was nice. I would prefer to be able to describe it in a more eloquent way but the only explanation that truly fits in my opinion is ‘nice’. Trust me I could write novels simply about the serene star-speckled sky that juxtaposed the cars bellow that darted busily under the streetlamps but, I think it could all be more simply put as ‘nice’. On top of the building, we could see for miles, we were on top of the world it was an indescribable feeling. In that moment it even seemed plausible that we could live forever. We felt infinite…

2-

July 30th 2020

Racing breathlessly through a field of golden sun I smiled uncontrollably out of my pure pleasure. Nothing else mattered in that moment except for me. Shame evaporated from my body as I paid no mind to the fact that someone may see me and judge. Let them judge! In no way it was an issue of mine so why should I care? My senses exploded as they were stimulated to new extremes, blaring music flooded my ears, rays of summer sun illuminated the scene ahead of me, the crisp fresh air of a summer evening glided up my nose and filled my lungs, sweat trickled down my brow and dripped into my mouth so I could taste its salty tang and as I reached out my hand my fingers grazed elegantly across the tops of the tall hay. It was a fleeting moment of undeniable magic. I basked in the light as the sun crept gradually bellow the horizon, I danced until I could no longer feel my feet; I sang until my throat was ignited. Reflecting upon the moment now I wonder if it was even real or just a fragment of my imagination. Luckily, to my good fortune, I have the categorical evidence in the form of a scar on the bridge of my foot that it was indeed a reality.

1-

December 31^st 2020

For all of these stories there is evidentially one that ranks highest above all the others and that would have to be this one. The moment that is happening now in this moment. I am surrounded by those who I love most and I feel so comforted. Believe me I am well aware that all of my problems won’t be resolved magically by the coming of a new year but it’s almost like a reboot. People are reset and the motivation for new projects bloom from the moment the clock strikes midnight. Experiences from this year that is about to be transported to history have moulded me and every other future experience yet to come will indeed continue to do so. I think the charm of time is that every moment is fleeting and in turn if we try to hold on to tightly to those moments they become damaged. As I move into this new year I am undeniably scared of what’s to come but I vow to take it all in great stride.

3…

Despite it being muffled by the sound of my voice I can hear the countdown steadily getting closer to zero.

2…

Solitary a tear trickles down my face and drops into my glass unheard

1…

Happy New Year