Stop Drowning

I am not writing about myself as a rational human being. I’m writing about the waves of emotion that overwhelm me when I can’t speak. I can’t let my thoughts overpower me. I can’t let my feelings take control. I want to tell someone how I feel. I’d do anything to let some sort of emotion out. I want you to know I am not okay; I want you to know I am drowning. But you don’t look at me, you don’t even ask me if I’m alright. I am coughing up water and yet you shrug me off as if I’m not choking. As if I’m not struggling to breathe whenever I’m around you. You see my face turns red, but you think I am just embarrassed. How can you see the tears in my eyes and not respond? How can you sit there expressionless and silent? 

I don’t know how to swim. Not well enough anyways. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep taking breaths of saltwater. I try to drink it. Pushing it down into the pit of my stomach so that you are okay. So that you aren’t affected by my feelings. My throat is raw, my mouth is dry. I feel nauseous. I can’t wade in this ocean of pain and sorrow so that you are safe. I need to get to shore. I need to breathe. I can’t breathe if you don’t talk to me. I can’t breathe if you won’t listen. I need you to look at me. Acknowledge me. I am a person too. I matter just as much as you do. Don’t you think I matter? Look at me. Look at me. Why won’t you save me?

You’re no lifeguard, you don’t even know CPR. You rather see me drown than rescue me.

I can’t keep fighting for you. I can’t keep swimming. I’m so tired. My arms and legs are sore from treading water all this time. I need to rest. But stopping means drowning. And if I drown for too long, I’ll die. But I’m so overwhelmed. I need a break. I have no other choice but to drown. 

I’m sinking deep deep down. For once I feel at peace. I am engulfed in all my emotions, but everything seems clearer now. It’s not up to you to save me, I need to save myself. You are not who I thought you were. For so long I held on to this hope that you would become the person I wanted you to be. I gave you every chance I could to save me. I drowned myself and for what? You are so negligent, and I was so naive. I am just as much to blame as you.  My lungs burn as I run out of oxygen. I can see the surface, it’s not as far as I thought. Just a few strokes and I could break the surface. But I don’t want to go back to you. I don’t want to live for you, I want to live for me. I want to save myself. Before I know what’s happening my body begins to rise. Up up. I break the surface breathing in the salty air.

This breath is different. This breath is my own. It belongs to me. I am on the surface of the water. Half of me is held up by the water, the other is being hugged by the sun. My back is cold, but my chest is warm. I’m not swimming. I’m floating. I start to cry. The tears stream down across the tops of my cheeks and fall into the water. Salt mixing with salt, it’s all the same. I’m not fighting the waves anymore. The ocean is calm. This is what peace feels like. The waves carry me to the shore, but I’m not ready, not yet. I lay at the shoreline as the cool waves lap my sun-kissed skin. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I can’t go to sleep at night. I can’t wake up early. Everything is off balance. I am not right. I'm not hungry anymore. I only eat dinner. I drink more water so that’s good, I guess. I try to go to bed early but I am afraid of being alone in my thoughts. Before bed, I used to think about you. I thought about what could have been. I wanted to be with you even though I knew we were doomed. I found comfort in you. You were my back up plan. You were the safety net. It broke my heart when you didn’t feel the same way. When I found out you wanted to meet people, people who weren’t me. Was I not enough for you? You would always be enough for me. Even though I knew I was settling, even though I knew we were not the right match. I wanted to be with you. I knew you. I spent every day with you. We were friends. It would have been so easy. My brain didn’t want you, but my heart did. It was easy to convince myself I had feelings for you. It was hard for me to accept that I didn’t. One day it changed. You started talking to someone. You still grabbed my knee during the car ride. You still sniffed my sweatshirt when we sat together. You still touched my ankles. Always teasing me. Always flirting? I guess you’re just a flirt. Huh who knew? I sure didn’t, not before this. 

One day I met up with you and our friends for dinner. I said something sassy and you responded back just as sassy. Fair play but also since when have you been outright? Another day passes and you start being passive-aggressive towards me. Did I do something wrong? "He’s just serving it back, he means no harm," they try to convince me. But it doesn’t feel right. Am I too mean? Does he hate me? He offers to buy me a shake because I spent money on a new book and don’t want to spend more. So, he doesn’t hate me? He's passive-aggressive again. What am I doing wrong? Is he just tired of me? Is he giving me a taste of my own medicine? It must be my fault. I'm to blame. I'm to blame. I. Am. To. Blame. 

I want to go home. Spring break is a week away. I will get a week away from him. Maybe he’s just tired of me. A nice week apart will do us some good. “Coronavirus is a pandemic. Go home and don’t come back. Classes will resume online.” 5 months at home? Am I in a living nightmare? I said I wanted a break, but this is overkill. 5 months without you? Is that what I wanted? Of course not! But is that what I need? Maybe. I’ve had these lingering feelings for so long. Maybe I can finally be free. I care about you, I do. We are friends. And that’s all I want from you. 

When you hold my hand, I remember what it’s like to be held. I get lonely and sad. I know I’m not ready for a relationship, but you make me not want to be alone. You make me yearn for something I don’t want. It’s not your fault but you’re so easy to blame. I can’t tell you I don’t want you to touch me. That it makes me crave love and affection. That it makes me think you’re my only source. I want it. 

I want you to caress my elbow and ask me to pat your head while we lay in my bed. I want to dance around the room while I’m tipsy, and you stare at me like I’m a lunatic smiling, nonetheless. I want you to kiss me. No. I want you to look at me like I'm the most amazing person you’ve ever meant. Stop. Love me, why can’t you love me? ENOUGH.

I was reading a book during spring break and I thought of you. The main character was in love with someone who didn’t love her back and I related to her. Can you believe that? I guess I loved you. Or rather I loved the idea of you. At least that's what I tell myself. It’s hard for me to admit I loved you. Love you? I don’t want to accept it. That you're the first person I've ever fallen in love with. That I loved someone who didn’t love me back.

One day we were driving through the mountains heading to Moosehead lake and the sun was setting on our left. I looked out the driver’s side window where you sat, so I could watch. Your silhouette was a dark contrast against the orange-blue of the sky. You had a golden tone to you as you drove. It was beautiful. I wanted to take a picture of that moment. I thought of us in the future, in this exact same instance. My heart felt like it had been grabbed and squeezed. Once it was released, all that filled it was longing. I knew I could live in this moment with you forever. That’s all I could want. But you wouldn't want that. So, with all the strength I could muster, I looked away.

 Who knew you could fall in love and feel heartbreak so fast? I don’t think I ever looked at you the same way after that. But I also know I don’t want that from you anymore. It still makes me sad thinking about it. But for once, I don’t feel sad because I can never have it. I'm sad because I want someone to feel that way for me. No not you. Just someone. And I am sure someday I will. I hope so.

 I know I deserve to be loved. I don’t have to settle for you. But it's been a week and I'm trying to sleep, and I can’t because I feel something in my chest. It feels like sadness. No that’s not right. It’s like half a feeling. I breathe out and it’s gone, but when I inhale the loneliness comes in with it. I want to let it out, but I don’t know what it is. It isn’t about you. Even though it feels like it always is. I’m so used to blaming you.

 I think a part of me is missing. I think I'm off balance. I don’t know what it is. Do I miss your company? Your touch? You’re crooked smile? You’re breathy laugh? That mischievous glint in your eyes? The stupid jokes you make? How you would look at me after making those jokes? The teasing? The way you made me feel? In the end, that was unpleasant. 

You are still able to hurt me. You still make me feel like you don’t care. Maybe I care too much. Maybe you are caring in the only way you know how. I know I expect a lot from you. I am sorry. I know you aren't. I see a lot of myself in you. But it’s not the good parts. I see the old me. The me I worked so hard on changing. I think it makes me sad for you. I think it makes me believe you will change. We both know you won’t. You like who you are. And that’s okay. 

I like who I am too. Just not when I'm with you. I know who I am. I know how I feel and think and live and breathe. You make me feel like I'm wrong. Like how I am is bad and I need to change. When I am alone, I love who I am. When I’m with you I would rather be anyone else. I never feel good enough. I think there is something wrong with me. I care about your opinion too much. 

I do care about you. But not enough to tear me down every night. I need to work on my self-confidence with others. That’s my issue, not yours. I'm not sorry for who I am or who I’m going to be or even for who I was. I am going to be unapologetically myself. Maybe I’ll be able to finally let you go. And maybe I'll be able to sleep at night.