A letter from you

Walking down to my mailbox, I sighed. My days were just not that interesting anymore. My life was a mess and I was just so emotionally drained. My mailbox was a little on the full side ever since I stopped checking on it daily. My normal routines were starting to fall behind and I knew that, I just didn't care anymore.

The letter was there in a familiar blue envelope I hadn't seen in such a long time. That blue was so vivid and rich I just couldn't keep my eyes off of it. I knew where that blue came from I was just a little shocked it was there to begin with.

Jaime, Jaime Ramirez. He was my best friend in the entire world. He reminded me of how much life was worth living every single time I was with him. It's been a few years since I had talked to him, since I've heard anything about him, but I will always recognize that blue envelope.

He said blue reminded him of the sky, and how much we shouldn't forget to look up and just smile grateful to be alive and have the things we have today, however small.

I hadn't reached my apartment yet when I couldn't help my curiosity and rip open the letter. It read:

Laec,

We met long ago in school. I remember sitting on the ground looking up from the noise that came across from me. There you were practically off in a hurry as the school day had ended. You were exciting, you were thrilling. You were unique from everybody else in that dreadful school. You came in a pop of color, literally.

Then we met, and in your courage I did something I would have never done. Even though you gave me that courage to- for a moment try to have my own voice, I was deadly terrified of what you thought of me. Would you think, weirdo? Copycat? Fake. Maybe I was but when you talked that worry wasn't as visible anymore.

Strange as you were, you were still popular. Everyone saw you as the most interesting person to have ever existed and I agreed. You taught me anime, and dressing in colors while being goth. I lied to myself for such a long time, that I didn't love you. My best friend now for years, no matter where I looked you were always so there.

One moment is all I asked, enough time to look away to find someone I knew would love me back. Someone serious and caring. Was that it? The reason you came and had to tell me then? Had it been a lie or did you mean it? When you told me you loved me too. I looked your way for years, why did it have to to be then when I spent all that time getting over you.

You did the unforgivable when you didn't tell me that my first relationship had been a lie when you saw her cheat. Then you made it worse by lying to me to ruin the image of my current relationship. By then we were adults and I knew you didn't quite understand the difference between someone being nice to you and someone coming onto you. You were still my best friend but that love I had for you had been long gone. You couldn't get that, you didn't understand, I suppose. Maybe I should have been clearer. Maybe I was in the wrong for that.

Then you had to invite me into your home. We barely talked in months at that point but you insisted on getting together and I reluctantly agreed. I sat on the floor beside your bed, you sat on the floor on the foot of it. We talked and played games and we played jokes. For the first time in that whole month I felt like I was me. Your best friend of ten years. We were smiling, happy. Or so I thought.

I wanted to tell you something, I remember thinking how I hadn't told you yet because you were dealing with some horrible things that I could never imagine going through. Being forced to leave home because your uncle did the unspeakable to strangers and your grandmother preferred him over you. Your job asking you not-so-nicely to leave. You had too much on your plate and I didn't want to intrude with my problems. So I constantly heard you, cry about not being popular anymore, missing the attention. Mising the group surrounding you and supporting you, because being Gay is special and different. Even though our entire friend group was gay or at the very least bisexual, like me.

Now was that time to intrude, just for tonight. I told you about my father and mother divorcing, how it was about time. How my mom could finally marry my stepdad without issues. How my father blocked me on all social media sites, how I can never meet my sister because of it. And how earlier in that month he died practically overnight. You heard me cry over it, you heard your best friend say he was scared of being emotionally detached like he was. You sat there and heard me cry about how scared I was about the future. You promised me I was never going to end up like him, and I was never going to end up like him. How open and kind hearted your best friend is.

Days hadn't passed when I heard it. Bailey talk about how awful Jaime was to Laec that night. Poor Laec, he is a victim. You are a victim, Bailey said so. For months you were forced to hear radio silence from someone you thought was your friend. He wouldn't talk to you, open up to you.

Then that night happened. That horrible night. You were forced to sit there while Jaime tried to grab your hand for support- no I mean, Jaime tried to grab your hand and place it somewhere horrible. How he tried to sit next to you while he talked about fear. Wait, that's wrong too. He tried to talk to you about having the big three lettered word. Horrified when he left you hugged him, promised to talk again soon.

I never understood why you did that. Maybe you truly believe that happened. I'm not sure. You broke me. You broke a human. You forced someone into extreme anxiety. You made someone no longer run around naruto-style. New people scare me. Worst of all you made people choose, your friends were told this story and forced to choose before listening to my side. I don't care about why you did it. I just wanted you to know what it was like to be on the other side of the story. Live what I saw in my eyes while you made yours up in your head.

Hope life goes well,

Blue is dead.