Just in Time

01.03.2013

Today Grandmother tried to make me promise that I would invite her and dad to my future wedding. I nodded but held my fingers crossed. I hope it doesn’t count. If it does, there is no way I can get married when I grow up. I would like to, though. I told her that maybe I would never even have a husband. She gasped and put a hand on her chest. She breathed deeply until she calmed down. Then she hurried to the phone to tell my mother that there was something wrong with me. “You are not going to make a good wife with that kind of thinking,” she told me afterward. She always says that I should be more like other girls.

I got no love-notes from boys on St. Valentine’s Day. All the other girls did. They made fun of me and said that nobody would ever want to go out with someone as tall as me. But I do have a wedding one day, I don’t want Grandmother to be there.

Sometimes I wish she were dead. I know it is bad to wish someone dead, but I have no choice. Everybody dies. My great uncle died last summer. My mum says that my Grandmother is as strong as a horse. As she puts it, “With so much energy, that bitch will outlive everyone in the world.” I still hope Grandmother dies at least before my wedding. Until then I’ll have to be strong.

***

28.05.2014

The thing I hate most in this world is sitting with Grandmother in the kitchen while dad is not there. She always traps me like a poacher but instead of killing me, she prefers to torture me. She makes me listen to her. After every conversation with her, I want to cry, but I can’t show my weakness. Otherwise, she will hurt me even more. I cry on my way home on the bus.

My late great uncle once told me that if I kept getting taller, I should never let anyone push me around. I got much taller since last year, but I let him down anyway. I am too scared to stand up for myself. Whenever my Grandmother traps me, I sit in her kitchen as if the cat got my tongue and wish for dad to show up. I know he can’t save me, but at least Grandmother would not be so mean in front of him.

Today she asked me if my mum was dating anyone. I stared at her fake teeth with traces of lipstick and didn’t answer. “It is impolite to ignore questions. But how would you know that with those relatives of yours? Fortunately, you have me to explain to you all the important things in life. When I was your age, everyone was afraid to talk to me about sensitive topics. We were expected to figure things out on our own. But the world has changed since then. On TV, they say that it is important to talk to children.” She got quiet for a bit, but I knew that it was not for long. “Your father is such a handsome man. I find condoms in his jean’s pockets all the time. You can stay assured that he is meeting lots of women.” I blushed but my facial expression did not change.

After another pause, Grandmother went on, “Your mother hadn’t bought a single pair of socks for your dad during the whole year of their marriage. She was so heartless to him. Then she abandoned him when he needed her the most.”

I wish I could have protected my mother, but I couldn’t. I had no idea how to react. I hope when I grow up, I will always know what to say.

Grandmother finished her monologue with her usual words, “Your dad has been through so much. Let’s not bother him with what we are discussing here. You don’t want him to feel bad, right? It will be our secret.”

***

10.06.2015

Today I paid a visit to dad and Grandmother. I had to. It has always been compulsory to meet them after my birthday. Dad gave me money as a present. Everyone keeps giving me money on my birthday lately. It is annoying. I wished I could get a gift in the wrapping paper, not in an envelope. I thanked dad and hugged him. Of course, it was not enough. Grandmother instructed me to kiss him on the cheek and show more gratitude. I kissed him on the cheek and said thank you again.

Whenever father is around, she can’t insult me openly. Instead, she makes anything humiliating sound like a piece of Grandmotherly advice.

“You know, Lizzy, it wouldn’t hurt you if you smiled more,” she said. “Pay attention to all the girls around you. They are so charming and open, while you are always so emotionless. How are you going to get boys to like you if you never smile? You look so pretty when you smile. At least appearance-wise, you take after your handsome dad. Otherwise, you would look ugly like everyone else on your mother’s side.”

I wish I had someone I could talk to about what she is putting me through, but I can’t. I don’t want my mum to feel bad, so I don’t tell her what Grandmother says about her. Dad can’t do anything anyway. She is his mother, and I guess he would take her side. Grandmother made it clear that I was not allowed to mention our talks to my father because of his condition. She never mentions what he has. My mum says that every autumn and spring his illness gets acute and he ends up in a loony bin, whereas Grandmother’s version is that he visits his cousins. I can’t even talk about my problems with my best friend even though she tells me everything. With such a perfect family, Tine won’t understand me. Whenever we have a sleepover at her place, her mum bakes cookies and asks me uncomfortable questions to make sure I look like a weirdo with divorced parents and long limbs. That leaves just me and you, Diary.

***

15.06.2016

I have just woken up from a nightmare and I doubt I will fall asleep again tonight. I tried to go back to sleep, but all I could do was toss and turn. I felt as if some monstrous creature kept scratching the air out of my lungs. I can’t get the image of Grandmother shooting at me from the gun in my dream.

I keep replaying everything this witch has ever said to me. She is trying to make me look so bad, and I have no other choice but to believe it. She loves repeating that I love money more than dad and how much he has done for me. I am a bad person. I wish she were not part of my life.

Yesterday evening, she demanded to talk to me after I wished dad happy Father’s Day. “In all these years, I haven’t got even a tiny flower from you! Other grandchildren bring large bouquets and jewelry to their grandmas. They help them clean their flats and wash their windows for them. But I could bear it all if you showed a tiny bit of respect to your dad! Instead, you wait up until the very evening to call him on Father’s Day! What kind of person does that? No matter who I talk to about you, everyone says the same thing: people like you do not deserve to live. But what can one expect from someone brought up by your mother and her relatives? You are all so despicable. Sometimes I wonder what truly broke your father: the mistake he made in the army or falling for your heartless mother who has failed not only as a wife but also as a mother?” 

I wish I knew how to justify myself and stop her from talking bad about my mum, but I didn’t. I had to listen to the whole monologue and accusations with tears in my eyes. I hung up when I realized that my voice would tremble if I were to say something.

Nobody hasn’t revealed the secret about dad’s condition. My mum remembers that according to my Grandmother, dad’s diagnosis was seasonal depression, but she took it with a grain of salt and said, “That bitch lied as much as she breathed, so I don’t know for sure. And how would I know? They would always hide his documents from me.” I don’t want to pry. I hate when people ask me too many questions. I don’t want to make dad feel uncomfortable.

***

13.05.2017

Things with Arnold are still going great. Everone including Tina are super envious of me for going out with the hottest guy in college. But today I have another achievement to share.

You can finally be proud of me, Diary! Today I managed to protect myself from Grandmonster’s attacks. I already wrote about how I had told my dad about dating Arnold. Guess who decided to call me today. Of course, that horrible woman did.

“Lizzy, dear, your dad told me you are going on a vacation with your new boyfriend?” I already forgot how her disgusting voice occasionally got sweet like honey. I hate honey. Her phone call meant the end of our cold war. It was so amazing not having to talk to her for almost a year after she declared that she would never speak a word to a brat like me. Luckily today I managed to prevent her from sneaking her way into my life again. See for yourself!

“I am happy for you, my dear. I have been to the numerologist, and based on your dates of birth, it is going to be a very stable partnership. Tell me, which presents have you already received from him? I heard his family is influential in our city. I also expect that he is covering your part of the costs on the trip,” she continued. I felt sick as I imagined how my Grandmother smiled in her kitchen. Her dazzling teeth must have been marked by her pink lipstick as always.

“I am paying my share from my savings…”

“What?! You are telling me that he is not even paying for you? Your dad told me that the boy had a part-time job. What kind of relationships is that? Has he at least bought you a necklace or a dress?”

“No, he didn’t, but I don’t…” I hated to explain myself, but I didn’t get a chance to do it because of her interrupting me.

“All this money makes people greedier! Listen to me, you should run from him before it gets serious and you get pregnant. Your mother apparently didn’t explain to you the most basic things about relationships, but…”

“You are not going to talk to me like that,” I said loudly in a voice I didn’t recognize. For once I was proud of myself.

That monster was not going to insult my mother again. Neither was she going to attack Arnold. He has been such an amazing boyfriend. He did not deserve to be talked about in such a manner. Who on Earth was she to judge other people’s lives? Especially my life! I am the person she does not know at all even though she claims that she can look through me.

She was taken aback. It was the first time I worked up the nerve to shut her up, but she couldn’t retreat.

“How dare you speak with me in such a tone?” She was overfilled with fury. “Who do you think you are, you unworthy brat?”

“I will never allow you to talk to me like that. Especially about people I care about,” I said trying to control my emotions. My whole body was shaking but I couldn’t let her know.

“Be damned, you…” I hung up. That was liberating to stand up for me. I wonder how she will depict the situation to my father. Hopefully, he won’t think of me as an unworthy brat.

***

19.04.2018

Another fight with Arnold today. After how many fights does a relationship expire? When does it become clear that people are going to break up? I don’t cry any more after we fight. I don’t think of ways to apologize or manipulate him into apologizing. Instead, I imagine my life after our potential breakup. Will my next boyfriend also have abs and rich parents? Will his family also hate me for no reason like Arnold’s does? Will I be able to trust someone? I have never been able to talk to him about things that bother me. I hold on to my secrets more than I did to my virginity. While Arnold did seem the right person to lose the latter with, I doubt that he will ever become someone I can confide in.

“I noticed your Grandmother and you went back to keeping in touch. It is a great relief to me.”

“Yeah, she reached out to me again. Why are you so relieved?”

“I lost my Grandmother almost one year ago. Treasure every moment with yours. She might be gone at any time.” 

 “People like her do not die because of old age. You’d need an army to bring her down,” I said calmly and sighed without Arnold noticing.

“How can you say that? She’s your Grandmother…” His hair was shining in sunlight caught in our living room as he shook his head.

“So what, Arnold?” I snapped. “Last time I heard me sharing DNA with someone did not automatically make them good people?”

He couldn’t look me in the eyes and glared the wall behind me for a minute before he stormed out of the room. I know we agreed not to scream at each other, but I couldn’t control myself.

Does he always have to be so “blood is thicker than water” about everything? Whatever. He’ll come around. He loves me. He thinks I am beautiful even when I don’t smile. He likes my long legs. That old bitch always told me that I got those only thanks to my dad’s genes, but I don’t care what she thinks.

***

20.12.2019

It’s been a month since Arnold proposed to me. I am still overjoyed and can’t help admiring my engagement ring. He’s got such a great taste! I haven’t told dad though. I am yearning for this fairy-tale wedding, but at the same time, I don't want that witch to witness the happiest day of my life. She probably won’t do anything to spoil it, but her mere presence will bring me down and make me uncomfortable, like on the day of my prom. I don’t mind dad being there. He would be happy for me, I guess. But the thought of Grandmonster standing there kills all my excitement about wedding planning. Inviting only my father is pointless because she would find a way not to let him go. You have no idea what kind of power she has over him.

***

01.03.2020

Of all illogical sayings, I could never understand one: be careful what you wish for. Isn’t it the anticipation of getting what we want that gives us strength?

The day before yesterday Grandmonster ran into my mother who mentioned Arnold’s proposal and my wedding plans. Mum promised me not to share the news with anyone on the father’s side. I wanted to do it myself when I felt ready. She wanted to show Grandmother how little she meant to me. Mum swears that the topic came up, but I don’t believe her. I don’t blame her either.

That evening Grandmonster had a stroke. Not a fatal one. She is invincible you would think, but she couldn’t talk anymore. The snake lost its venom. I stopped being mad at mum. Yesterday dad implored me to visit Grandmother in the hospital, and I agreed. The doctors said that it was important for her to avoid stress.

When I entered her single-bed hospital room, for the first time in my life I was at peace with myself despite sharing the space with Grandmonster. With the attention of a seasoned poacher, she watched how I approached her bed. I was smiling. The way she never saw me smile. She struggled to say something, but she couldn’t. “I have always hoped you’d die before I got married,” I broke the silence. “To be honest, I expected you would bite the grass even earlier, but how could you let me be happy?” I moved my finger along the nasal cannula supplying Grandmother’s body with oxygen. I smirked. Her pale lips were trembling. It was the first time I saw her scared. She has always been my greatest fear. Finally, I became hers. “No matter how much I try, I can’t forgive you for destroying my childhood, but I wanted to tell you "thank you". Thank you in advance for dying just in time before my wedding. I would really hate you to be there, granny.” Her left arm trembled. A tear struggled through her wrinkle-marked face. I left the room.

Grandmonster died at night. Only you, Diary, understand how relieved I am. Arnold with his over-the-top family values would never grasp how I feel. I don’t care if someone thinks I am a bad person. Her time has come.

They say you are not supposed to get married shortly after someone’s death in the family. I have never considered that woman my family, but if I gain some time to pick the dress and the caterer, why go against superstitions? Especially if I can show Arnold’s parents what a good family girl I am. Now I have all the time in the world to plan out my wedding. The wedding Grandmonster will never see.