Before

Joel’s alarm went off the same time it had all the mornings before, but familiarity halted there.  This last month had been covered over by a  dark, suffocating haze.  Numb, hazy late nights and stinging memories haunted him.  He was happy before.  Before it happened. Before she handed back the ring he gave her.  Before she packed up and walked out the door.  Before she took away all his plans for their future.  The days were cheerful and sunny before, and now everything was dark.

Joel rolled over stretching out his long limbs, in that half asleep state.  He reached out and felt  the cold, empty  side of the bed next to him.  His heart sank to the floor as memories came thundering down on him as it did every morning.  His  grumbling stomach brought him out of his wandering mind, but the thought of breakfast alone had him pull the covers over his head and he drifted back to a fitful sleep.

Joel’s eyes flew open, heart racing - he had slept in yet again.  Joel had been late most days these last few weeks.  Dashing to his closet he pulled out the first reasonable outfit and got dressed.  Picking up his briefcase on the floor by the door, he stopped and looked over to his haunted kitchen.   Images  of breakfasts before flooded his mind and clenched his heart.  It had been Joel's favorite times with her.  Watching her flow through the kitchen cooking.  He called it the Dance of the Breakfast.  Her hair frizzy from being slept on, still in her pink flowery pajamas, and a smile across her face.  Turning quickly away, Joel left for the train, leaving the ghosts to roam around.

Joel stopped at a coffee shop on his way to the station.  Ordering a bagel and a coffee he was glad he was experienced enough not to show up hungry as well as late.  Riding the train, Joel flipped through the unread work emails trying to get an idea of what sort of day he was about to walk into.  Stepping out of the station he noted the grey clouds across the sky and the small snowflakes drifting down, leaving pings of cold on his cheeks.  With a knot in his stomach, he entered into the lawyer firm he has worked at for a few years.

As Joel entered he greeted the front desk lady,  and she returned a sad smile, the same sad smile that has taken over  his last month.  It screamed at him that he should be trying to pull his life back together.  Travelling over to his desk, Joel notes that most of his coworkers are still avoiding eye contact.  Just a month ago they had all joked together, but that was before.  Scanning the coworkers he had thought of as friends, Joel noticed his boss walking over.  Scrambling to look busy, Joel opened several files on his computer.  Reaching his desk, his boss turned towards him.

“Joel, please come by my office at eleven this morning.” said Derek, holding his coffee and several large books. 

 “Will do, sir.” Joel replied trying to look like he was in the middle of work. 

 “And bring a notebook,” added Derek before turning to return to his corner office.

Joel’s heart began to race.  He had been expecting to be talked to about his low performance lately, but he didn’t feel ready.  With his short breaths increasing the unease in his gut, Joel pulled out a notebook and began flipping through his most recent case.  It had made extremely poor progress, which was rather impressive considering how late he’s stayed in the office avoiding his apartment of ghosts.  Joel was one of the highest ranked hires when he started.  Before, something about his work typically charged excitement through him.  Before, the world around him turned off when he opened a new case file.  Well, that was before.

The morning had gone quickly and slowly at the same time.  Joel had watched every minute as it passed, fidgeting with everything on his desk.  He ran every possible situation through his head, trying to prepare himself for the possibility of being fired.  When eleven finally rolled around, he entered the office gripping his notebook tightly.  Joel took a shaky  breath, trying to steady his nerves.

“Have a seat Joel.  Please make yourself comfortable,” said Derek calmly.

“Thank you sir.”  Joel sat rigidly in the chair across from the desk.  

“I trust your morning was uncomfortable,”  Derek began.

 “Sir?”  This is it, thought Joel, I’m getting fired.

“You were our highest potential hire the year you came onboard”  he began. “I sympathize with someone who has gone through a large change and I have been trying to allow you some adjustment time.”  He brought his eyes up to meet Derek’s with that same sad smile on his face.  “You have been heavily underperforming Joel.  People are starting to notice. But now, we are at an impasse.  You are out of time and have a significant decision to make.”  Derek's eyes were locked on his in a determined way.  Breaking from  the conversation, Joel looked to the floor, focusing on breathing.  Derek moved to pour two glasses of whiskey.  Joel had never been poured a glass of whiskey in this office.  That was for the more experienced, the more elite.  It was for equals.  Unease spread from deep in his chest through to his fingertips.

“Have a drink with me,” invited Derek as he passed over the glass.  Joel accepted his glass with a rough nod and had a sip.  The liquid travelled down his throat like a snaking burning flame.  Derek looked very seriously at him leaving Joel to fidget in his chair, waiting.  If he was going to get fired he wasn’t sure why it was taking so long.

“I like you Joel,” continued Derek, “I think you could be phenomenal in this business.  I am willing to help you if I can.  So…”  Derek paused, seeming to struggle with himself. “The information I am about to reveal to you is strictly confidential.  I expect it to remain so, whatever your personal life is at this moment”.

Joel froze;  he couldn't  breathe, he couldn’t  blink.  His mind was racing, trying to keep up with  this unexpected conversation.  Realizing several moments had passed, Joel opened his mouth to reply.

“O-of course,” Joel stammered.

“Excellent then.”  Looking satisfied, Derek continued, “One of the higher up executives in the firm will be leaving.  This will cause role changes all the way down the chain.”  Joel sat at the edge of his chair, leaning forward, listening.

“I am likely to move in this shuffle, which will leave my role vacant. Before... You would have been the likely candidate for my role.  But now people aren’t as sure.”  Derek leaned over and said, “take out that notebook now.” Nodding to the untouched pad on the side table.  Completely thrown off track Joel fumbled as he opened the book, and clicked his pen ready.

“Write down, ‘Where do I want to be after all this.’  You have a decision Joel. This will change the rest of your career.”  Putting down his glass, Derek stood up and said, “now, get out of the office, take the afternoon off to think that line through.”  Joel sat unmoving for what felt like an eternity, trying to sink in that he had not been fired.  “Go on now.” Derek eased as he took Joel’s still-full glass of whiskey out of his limp hand.

Joel picked up his notebook and slowly, as if sleepwalking, walked right out of the office.  Reaching his desk, he grabbed his coat, stuffed the page from his notebook in his pocket, and left the building.  He left his coffee and half eaten bagel on his desk.  He made it outside and stood on the sidewalk, unmoving.  How was one supposed to just pull themselves back together?  His thoughts of the future were once set.  That was before.  As Joel stood on the sidewalk, watching people walking by, trying to decide where to go, Joel's phone began to ring.  The harsh noise cut through the silence and  his thoughts.  Looking down to identify the nuisance,  his eyebrows rose when he saw his brother’s name.

“Hey Joel,”  Said Dan in that sad smile tone. Pity.

“Hi Dan, what’s up?” Joel asked.

“I’m off shift today.  Susan had these plans for taking the kids sledding but she just got called into the hospital.  Some big bloody accident somewhere.”

“Sounds like a fun time,” Joel said distractedly crossing the busy street.

“Oh, I am sure I will hear about it tonight.  Anyways, the kids won’t shut up about going to the hill.  I haven’t taken them in years and can’t stand the idea of standing there alone while all the moms give me funny looks.  I know you have a lunch break and thought you might be my wingman?”  

Joel was very uninterested in going sledding, and wasn’t too keen on standing around in the cold, but his stomach plummeted at the thought of sitting with his ghosts.  Having nowhere else to turn he replied in a dull tone, “I guess. Where should I meet you?”

***

Joel walked up to the hill and could see Dan and his three kids unsurprisingly at the edge of the hill, away from the large group of moms and their kids scattered across the rest of the hill.  Kids were flying down the wide, rather steep slope.  Screams of fear and thrill showered down from across the hill.  He sighed as he started to walk up the hill bundling his scarf tighter and tucking his hands in his pockets.  The sky had dark grey clouds rolling along in an endless line, reminding Joel of his inner turmoil.

“Glad you could make it!” said Dan.  His kids were half way down, screams of excitement escaping them as they hit small bumps or dips along the way.

 “Well, I can see what you mean about wanting some company," Joel said nodding to the gaggle of women.  The two brothers stood together looking down at the snow, kicking it with their boots.  Joel hadn’t seen Dan in several months.  The silence stretched on awkwardly. 

 “How has work been, little bro?”  Dan tried out. 

 “Not bad.”  Joel replied flatly, ignoring the events of the day.  Dan peeked over with concern lining his face.

Dan's youngest kid made it back to the top and walked up to Joel.  “Hi uncle Joel!” He screeched, “come down the hill with me!”  The sheer excitement across his little face was a lot for Joel to take in.  The other two kids reached the top, and stood by waiting  to see how the situation would unfold. 

 “I’m good, I haven’t been on a sled since I was a kid.”  Joel replied, further digging in the snow with his boot.  The boy had a confused look on his face then the unmistakable grin of a new idea popped up. “It’s easy though Joel!  You just need to sit down.  I will show you.  It’s so much fun I just know you will love it”.

Seeing an opportunity, Dan called to his daughter, “lets race those two boys to the bottom!”  Both kids' faces lit up with excitement.  Joel glared over at his brother but noticed he was rather trapped, unless he wanted to disappoint those little faces.  Feeling rather out of place, Joel sat on the long sled.  “How exactly do I do this?” he asked his brother.  

“Well, the concept is rather simple little brother.” A mischievous grin split Dan's face, “You sit on the sled and it brings you down the hill.”  

Joel rolled his eyes and said  “I mean with the kid.”  The little boy came up to Joel and crawled in front of him.

 “I sit here and you stop me from falling with your legs.  And you need to give us a really, really, really big push at the start so we can beat them,” the young boy said with excitement.

Joel and Dan got set up with the kids, and the race was set to start.  Joel felt very awkward as one does when thrust into something unfamiliar.  Unease spread along as he peered down.  The hill was always much steeper when viewed from the top.  With a satisfied grin, Dan counted them down. “One. Two. Three. Go!”  The two sleds pushed off and started down the long hill.  Joel's unease grew as they picked up speed.  The wind whipped his scarf around his face, the chill finding a way down his coat.  He felt their speed continue to increase, the adrenaline lighting up his chest.  Kids from both sleds were screaming with joy at the thrill.  Joel’s unease mounted as he hoped to avoid a crash.  Sleds plummeting down the hill, the clouds briefly parted.  A ray of sunshine broke out, lighting up the trails for the two racers.  Joel's hands were gripping hard, his heart pumping, the wind rushing d past his ears.  He felt like he was flying.  Reluctantly, slowly, a grin spread across his face as he started to laugh.  He felt free. 

Deciding he might as well stick around, Joel remained with them for a few  hours, trying the hill out several more times.  The group, very red faced, went out for hot chocolate and cookies afterwards.  As the light  grew dark, the group reluctantly split.  Joel rode the train home, replaying his day.  Walking into his apartment, too exhausted to notice any ghosts, he lay down and passed out into a deep slumber.

Joel’s alarm went off the same time it had all the mornings before.  He rolled out of bed and paused.  He hadn’t noticed the empty side this morning.  Considering his options, Joel sat there for several minutes.  Daring to consider where he might want to go after this moment, Joel got up and walked to the kitchen to make himself some breakfast.