The Dinner Guest

I sat there for at least ten good minutes and none of them realized it. How can you not see a stranger sitting at your dining room table? I guess they were too busy. Mom was finishing up dinner; the two kids were in the living room with their noses stuck to their smart phones. And dad, well dad by the looks he kept giving was looking at inappropriate pictures on his phone hoping mom didn’t walk behind him and get a glimpse. It wasn’t until she brought out the glazed ham and went to sit it in front of me that I was finally noticed. I saw her face, she was about to scream.  I brought my finger up to my lips and showed her my gun. I made a nod with my head towards her two kids and she got the message.

“It looks delicious,” I said.

My voice finally got the dad’s attention. He got to his feet and walked towards me trying to figure out if he knew me or not. Then I saw him look down at my gun and I knew what he was going to do, it wasn’t my first dance.

He grabbed his gun from the cabinet about as slow as possible. I don’t know what was going through his mind, I could’ve shot them both in the time it took for him to open his cabinet door.

“Easy John,” I said. “I’ve got mine trained on your wife. Is that a risk you’re willing to take?”

“Get out of my house,” he stammered.

“When I get good and ready,” I replied. “Now one of two things are about to happen. You either drop that pea shooter or you shoot me and hope I don’t pull the trigger when I tense up.”

I pulled the hammer back on my revolver, “Which is it John, balls or brains?”

He held his gun firm and it clicked. He fumbled with the safety and tried again…click.

I turned to him, “I took the bullets out an hour ago.” I pulled my trigger and shot him in the leg. Not deep or anything, just a graze on the outside thigh muscle. Of course he over reacted and hit the ground hollering. The kids heard the noise and jumped up so I got to my feet.

“Easy now,” I said, making sure they could see the situation. “Let’s turn those phones off please.”

They shared a look with their mother, I couldn’t completely blame them but at the same time I had the gun. I pulled back the hammer again to make that movie famous cocking sound and mommy got the hint.

She turned to them, “It’s alright, turn them off.”

“All the phones on the table if you don’t mind,” I said cheerfully. There wasn’t any reason this interaction couldn’t be upbeat, I mean it was a home cooked meal, how often does that happen anymore. 

“Mom,” I said smiling. “Would you be a dear and collect dad’s phone and add it to the stack.”

She had tears building in her eyes as she went to her barely wounded husband. I returned my hammer and holstered my weapon. I saw the boy looking down at my holster and judging me for it.

“What,” I asked.

He shrugged, “That’s a cowboy holster.”

“So,” I asked again.

“You’re not a cowboy,” he replied. 

I knew this was going to come up, “How do you know I’m not a cowboy? I’ve got cowboy boots and a cowboy gun. I’m wearing blue jeans and a button up shirt. I left my hat in the truck because it gets in the way during these meetings and it’s not proper manners to wear it at the dinner table. I came in here for a good home cooked meal, not to be judged by a teenage boy that still hides his naughty magazines under his bed.”

I saw his eyes widen and quickly flit to his mother and back to me, “Yeah I know about them. I’ve been in this house all day and none of you noticed. You’re all too busy to notice the little things anymore. But not today, today we’re going to put away all the technology and come together as a family. Now, everyone have a seat. I’ll get dad if you want to get the rest of the food mom.”

I helped John to a chair but felt he was being a drama queen with all of his over reacting. “Come on John,” I said. “It’s just a flesh wound, not much bigger than a paper cut. Set an example for the semi pro master debater over there.”

I leaned in closer and whispered, “I tried to keep it clean in front of the girl, she looks sixteen but it’s hard to tell these days. You still got the reference though right?”

He grunted as he sat down, “I’m gonna take that as a yes.”

By the time I got back to my seat all of the food was prepared and waiting. I took in a deep slow breath, “It smells great Jane.  I bet it’s going to taste even better.”

The young lady kept looking at me until she built up the courage to speak. “Why are you here?”

I tucked my napkin into my shirt collar, “Because I’m starving and need one last meal with a halfway decent family.”

I could hear the shaking in her voice, “So you’re going to leave after dinner?”

“Absolutely,” I said nodding to myself.

“Then let’s get this over with,” she said reaching for food.

“Whoa,” I hollered. “Is no one going to say grace? In my house the first to reach for food is responsible…but of course I am the guest.” I turned to John, “What are the rules in your home?”

John shook his head, “We don’t say grace here.”

“Very well,” I said and she continued to fix her plate. “I hope you don’t mind if I do. Dear Lord thank you for this food I’m about to consume. Let it fill my belly as you have filled my soul with love. Please forgive the heathens I sit with for they do not know your love as I do, in your name I pray.” 

I cocked my gun as I said “Amen.” I opened my eyes and looked up; John had the carving knife in his hand and was half lunged at my direction until he heard my side arm. “I know your leg hurts John, I would’ve been more than happy to have moved the ham closer. Go ahead and sit down.”

I slid the platter down the table, “Be honest, you never saw my hand move did you?”

I stood up and showcased my skills, I hate to brag but I was good. “When I was a kid I used to watch westerns and see those guys twirl their guns but my favorite was how quick Mel Gibson could draw on Maverick. I would practice and practice until my fingers were blistered and bleeding. I’m not trying to brag or anything, I just want you to know it’s fruitless to try and be quicker than these hands. Let’s eat.”

Everyone made a plate and started eating very tediously. Not me, it was so good I was already eyeballing seconds. “Hey John, I got dibs on the last deviled eggs.”

“My name isn’t John,” he mumbled.

I laid down my fork, “I’m sorry I couldn’t hear you over my scraping.”

He puffed up his chest, trying to be brave in front of children. “My name is not John!”

I reached into my front shirt pocket and pulled out a phone, “Then why does Tiny Tim keep calling you Big John in these text messages?”

Everyone stopped and stared at the phone, “I found this in the garage inside the tool chest that doesn’t look like has ever been used.”

I handed Jane the phone and she instantly started scrolling down the messages. I could tell he wanted to say something but was having trouble finding the words so I helped him out. “You’re wondering how I unlocked it right. That was simple; you don’t have a screen protector on it so the prints and smudges show up great. I held it up to the light and look for the most prominent blobs. Turn on the screen and see which blots line up with the pin number pad to help narrow down the results. Now most people use personal numbers, you know birthdates, anniversaries and so forth, but not you. You didn’t want to be reminded of your family ties every time you turned on your sexting phone, so you chose the four corners. I wanted to be happy it was so easy but I wasn’t, I enjoy puzzles and you took that from me.”

Jane kept her mouth covered as she continued to read in horror. She was sobbing away and none of it was because of me this time. John was getting fidgety, “Alright, that’s about enough. Jane put that phone away, I’ll explain it later. Now’s not the time.”

“Explain what,” I asked. “Isn’t it obvious to everyone, you prefer hot dogs to tacos. I’m not judging I’m just upset you would cheat on Jane this way. I mean look at her, she’s a beautiful woman. She’s produced two children and still looks stunning. Honestly it’s hard not to stare.”

He went to get up but I’m faster, “Easy Big John.”

“It’s high time you’ve left,” he mustered with the last of his pride.

“I’ll leave when I’m finished eating,” I said through gritted teeth. “I haven’t had my cobbler yet.”

Jane looked up from the phone, “I didn’t make cobbler.”

I flipped my gun and holstered it, “No cobbler, but you made a glazed ham.”

“I’m sorry,” she said looking honestly upset. “I bought a key lime pie.”

“Is it any good,” I asked.

The boy scoffed at me, “Its way better than cobbler.”

I looked at him, “Hey wet dreams, have you ever ate cobbler.”

He kept staring at me, “Then zip it. Well Miss Jane, you have enticed my curiosity. I would love to try your pie.”

The boy snickered, “The um, key lime pie that is.” She was nearly in the kitchen when I got it out. I looked back to the boy, “That wasn’t funny hairy palms.”

Jane sat down the pie and past out four slices; Big John didn’t get one for obvious reasons. “This pie is excellent ma’am, thank you.”

She slid the rest towards me, “You can have the rest. He usually eats it.”

“If there are no objections,” I said looking at the kids. I pulled the rest closer and looked at John, “You don’t get any but I’m sure you won’t mind, seeing how you’re more of a doughnut guy and all.”

“It’s not like that,” he tried to protest but his boy cut him off.

“No,” junior said. “He prefers fudge these days.”

“Nice,” I said turning back for a knuckle bump.

I was finally starting to feel at home when he tried to ruin it, “Why are you all getting chummy with him? He’s going to kill us all.”

I looked back at my new friends; they gave me a worried look so I shrugged. “I have no idea what he’s talking about.”

“Really,” John yelled getting a deep red to his face. “He’s come in here with a gun and already shot me.”

“He just grazed you,” Jane said interrupting him.

“Thank you Jane,” I said and looked back to John motioning for him to continue.

“He let us see his face,” he said in frustration. “Do you think he’s going to let us live now that we can identify him?”

I leaned back in my chair as the family was holding its breath, waiting to hear my reply but Jane broke the silence. “I’m thinking about cooking steaks tomorrow.”

“Ooh,” I said wiping my mouth. “Baked potatoes too?”

She smirked, “What else would you make with a rib eye?”

I handed the kids their phones back, “Thank you for the tech free dinner. You were excellent hosts, would you mind giving me and your parents a private moment.”

I smiled as I stood, “I don’t want to overstay my welcome.” I patted my belly, “Dinner was amazing thank you very much. I do apologize for my rudeness, I showed up to dinner empty handed. I should’ve brought flowers.”

She blushed, “No, that’s not necessary.”

“Well perhaps I can make up for my mishap,” I said looking at John and then back to Jane. “Would you at least allow me to take out the trash on my way?”

John’s eyes got bigger than I thought possible. Jane was staring a hole through him for a moment and then turned back to me, “That would great, thank you.”

“You can’t be serious,” he shouted.

I walked around to her side of the table as she stood, “I think I’ll turn in for the night.”  

I took her hand and kissed the top of it, “Thank you for your hospitality ma’am, I’ll show myself out.”

“Dinner is always at seven,” she said disappearing up the stairs.

I turned back to John, “I really am a cowboy. I got a farm full of livestock. I can’t wait to show you my hogs.”