Past Demons

Jeffrey snapped his gaze from the diner window to the front entrance. He clasped one hand over his front pocket, and the other crept toward the butter knife next to his unfinished breakfast platter. Any doubts he’d harbored after spotting the green sedan in the parking lot vanished when a familiar priest and college student entered the restaurant. The former carried a backpack over his shoulder while the latter held a notepad. Both of them stood with their backs to the wall and scanned their surroundings.

They then spotted Jeffrey and headed over to his table. Jeffrey compiled a mental list of ways to evade them but ended up dismissing most within the first few seconds. By the time he resigned himself to their arrival, they were standing next to the opposite booth bench.

“Hey, Jeffrey or Jeff.” The student waved with a small smile. “Not sure if you still recognize me. It’s been a few years. How have things been? Are you and Joanna doing okay?”

He shrugged, not glancing away from the priest. “I’ve been better. What are you two doing here? Didn’t think priests liked obscure diners in the middle of nowhere.”

Despite smiling, the priest’s eyes didn’t move. “Some don’t. I’ve found this place to be a great spot for insightful conversations.”

He introduced himself and the student as Father Garcia and Jessica respectively before recapping their last encounter. Jeffrey suppressed an eye roll and a comment about how he remembered them despite the time gap. While he waited for the priest to finish speaking, he poked the remaining scrambled eggs and hash browns on his plate. The torrent of flashbacks from the duo’s arrival killed any appetite he had left, not helped by Father Garcia describing them in detail.

Once Father Garcia mentioned an amulet, Jeffrey raised a hand to cut him off. “Look, as much as I appreciate this walk down memory lane,” he didn’t, “why are you here? I came here to get away from the stresses of life, and your spiel has done the exact opposite.”

Jessica and Father Garcia exchanged a glance, both of them furrowing their eyebrows. A waitress came by and asked them about their orders. While Jessica browsed a menu and spoke with her, Father Garcia stared at his hands. From how he didn’t acknowledge his surroundings, Jeffrey thought he might’ve gotten lost in thought again. He was about to ask what was going on when the priest straightened and leaned forward.

“I’m looking for answers.” He raised a hand as Jeffrey started to retort. “Now, I’m not accusing you of anything going on. There’s actually not much happening right now. I just figured I’d use the slow down to gather information regarding other cases, especially the one from… that summer.”

Next to him, Jessica shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. Even without words, Jeffrey guessed what had elicited such a reaction, not that he blamed her. Flashbacks of an empty church basement, an amulet, and the cold eyes of a loved one turned enemy made him want to curl in on himself. The waitress refilled his coffee with a new batch. Even when he wrapped his hands around the hot mug, they stayed chilly. 

However, as much as he dreaded digging up memories, ignoring them could come back to bite him later on. Nonetheless, that didn’t make discussing them any easier. Taking a long sip of black coffee, Jeffrey braced himself for the barrage of questions.

“What do you want to talk about?” He’d barely gotten the question out when the priest leaned across the table.

“Why did you steal the amulet from the church basement? How did you steal it? What compelled you to give it to your girlfriend, and when did you notice something was wrong?” As Father Garcia fired off more questions, his speaking speed and intensity grew until he reminded Jeffrey more of an interrogator.

He raised a hand again and waited for the priest to quiet. “Whoa, you need to cool it. First off, I can only answer a few questions at a time, and right now, you're bombarding me with them.”

“Sorry.” His tone suggested otherwise.

“Second, I said I was willing to help, and I am, but I won’t tolerate you throwing accusations in my face.” He gestured between Father Garcia and Jessica, though he mostly watched the former. “Got it?”

“They’re not accusations. I’m just asking questions.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

Before Father Garcia could respond, Jessica pointed at the approaching waitress and announced that their food had arrived. While digging into the chocolate chip pancakes, she rambled about how the homemade food reminded her of the restaurants she’d tried that summer. Father Garcia nodded while nudging his entree with a fork. The speed with which he dropped the earlier topic baffled Jeffrey, and he wondered what Jessica was playing at when he noticed the somewhat frantic way her stare darted between the corners and shadows. Then, it clicked. She didn’t want to discuss that section of the summer. None of them did.

“And that’s the story of how I met Joanna in the music building on campus. Never thought I’d hide in a storage closet with a convicted thief, but there’s a first for everything, I guess.” Jessica finished her story with a chocolate-covered smile. “Anyone else got crazy stories?”

Jeffrey was debating on which one to share when a thought gave him pause. “Wait, you knew about what Joanna had done at the time?”

She shuffled her feet and glanced at her plate. “Not at the time. I had some suspicions, but I didn’t know the details until afterward. Not sure if knowing the truth would’ve changed how I’d reacted, though it won’t change what happened.”

“You also saw that she wore a necklace?” Father Garcia laced his fingers together, no longer focused on his plate. “Looking back on the events of that day, did anything Joanna say or do strike you as off?”

Her smile disappeared, and she pursed her lips while staring at her hands. Jeffrey debated between rolling his eyes and commenting that neither of them would know what constituted unusual behavior for Joanna. Combined, they’d known her for a few months, a half year at most. Jeffrey had been dating her for three years and known her for more.

Yet despite that, he had missed all the warning signs. That his actions led to their emergence twisted his gut further.

How could he have been so stupid?

The others continued talking, but Jeffrey no longer listened. He muttered a vague excuse about grabbing something from his car and slid out of the booth. Along the way, a hand grabbed his shoulder. Maybe the waitress was trying to get him to pay, or Jessica and Father Garcia wanted to talk more with him. Regardless, he didn’t want to stay in the cramped diner any longer. Brushing the hand away, he exited the diner and circled around to the back. The quiet atmosphere outside gave him a chance to breathe and relax, but it also allowed flashbacks to surface with more intensity. He focused on the surrounding trees, cool fresh breeze, rustling of leaves, and the faint scent of cooking food, anything but the horrors within his mind.

Footsteps to the side made Jeffrey jolt and spin around. Jessica was standing ramrod straight with her hands in the air. A glance down revealed that he’d taken his handgun out without realizing it. Sighing, he slid it back into the holster. Hopefully, nobody else had witnessed that.

“Hey, sorry if I interrupted something.” Jessica lowered her hands, though her posture remained stiff. “Father Garcia was worried. He tried asking you what was wrong, but you brushed him off without saying anything.”

“And I’m guessing he sent you out because he knew I wouldn’t talk to him?”

She hesitated. “Sort of. I was the one that wanted to talk to you first. He was insisting that he come with me until I mentioned that you might not want a bunch of people around you.”

Well, she had half of the explanation correct. Rather than correct her and dredge up more unpleasant memories, he returned to gazing at the trees. Jessica stood a few feet away. Despite her shoulders not being as stiff, her gaze flitted between multiple spots within seconds. Jeffrey couldn’t tell whether she was waiting for him to talk or also soaking in the break from it all. At least, she didn’t pressure him to open up. No wonder Joanna had grown to like her despite their polar opposite views.

Without turning, he asked, “Do you still have flashbacks of what happened? Either dreams or memories that won’t leave you alone.”

“More than I’d like to admit.” Jessica rubbed her face with her hands. “Just last week, I had to leave my Bible study early. The sight of people sitting in a circle and reading scripture should be familiar, but I couldn’t stop imagining Joanna kneeling in the center. The chains around her arms and legs, the hatred in her eyes, the threats.”

“I’m impressed you can go back there after what you witnessed.”

Jeffrey glanced toward the entrance in case Father Garcia approached, then turned back to see Jessica furrowing her eyebrows. Was she going to start a religious argument over his comment? She’d done so in the past, and no doubt the priest would’ve too if he were standing with them. 

Instead, she said, “Sometimes, I wonder why I go back, too. That summer just put everything I believed to the test. Not just religious beliefs, but everything in life. And sure, we eventually worked something out, but all of the pain and suffering that led to that moment. It’s not just something I can shrug off. I can only imagine how much worse it was for you given your relationship with Joanna.”

Jeffrey’s comment about how Jessica would’ve only felt a fraction of the pain he had disappeared after the last statement. A lump formed in his throat, and he tried swallowing it to no avail. Whether or not he believed the same things as Jessica and Father Garcia, he couldn’t deny that his decision to steal the amulet from the priest had kickstarted the whole disaster. A slew of what-if scenarios and questions caused him to tense and grit his teeth again. 

Jessica’s voice cut through his thoughts. “What’s going on? Do you want to talk?”

“How do you deal with it?”

She hesitated before replying, “Sorry, but what are you referring to? Do you mean the memories?”

“Well, that, too, but something else.” He turned to her as he considered how to explain. “While the memories also suck, what’s worse is the imagined scenarios of what could have happened. What if I hadn’t stolen the amulet or had turned it back in instead of escaping? What if I’d paid more attention to my girlfriend’s behavior changing instead of coming up with excuses? What if I had listened to you, the random church people, and everyone else insisting that something was going on that none of us understood the first time?” He would’ve continued, but the tightening in his throat silenced him.

Jessica stiffened and faced forward, her shoulders hunched. When she turned to him, tears had formed in her eyes. The sight, which might have earned little more than a shrug or empty assurance the first time they met, made Jeffrey wonder what was wrong. He didn’t need to ask.

“I wish I could tell you, but I haven’t figured that out myself.” She wiped the tears away with her sleeve. “Over the years, I’ve found things that work: prayer, introspection, talking to loved ones, writing as a distraction. Often, though, I have to use trial and error to see what works. Sometimes, nothing does.”

Jeffrey nodded, paused, then shook his head. “What’s funny is that at the time, I genuinely thought I was doing something helpful. An amulet that rare would’ve scored a fortune for me and Joanna. At the very least, it would’ve made for a nice present. Knowing what I do now, you couldn’t pay me enough to take the damn thing.”

That Jessica didn’t comment on his cursing highlighted the grave situation.

Eventually, she asked, “So, what are you looking for now? Are you seeking to apologize, make amends, work out your thoughts, or do you just want someone to listen?”

“If by apologizing you mean repenting to Father Garcia and his brood, then no.” Jeffrey scoffed before becoming serious. “Even if I apologized, what good would it do? The damage has already been done, and no amount of regret will undo that.”

Her next response took longer. “Well, it shows that you feel bad about what you did and hopefully won’t do it again. It can also repair some of the damage, both inside and outside.”

“What do you mean inside and outside?”

“Forgiveness is important not just for other people, but yourself. I’ve learned that the hard way, and I still am, but the struggle to get there is way more preferable than the pain of self-condemnation.” She shrugged and muttered, “Or at least, that’s what I think.”

A lull settled between them, and Jeffrey used it to mull over the rest of his thoughts. From how Jessica stared into the distance without focusing on any point, she must’ve done the same. Neither of them moved until Father Garcia joined them and announced that he’d covered the bill for everyone. According to him, it was his way of thanking them for their help and an apology for dredging up painful memories.

They exchanged farewells, then he and Jessica departed in the green sedan. Jeffrey debated whether he should also leave or return to the diner. After weighing his options, he returned to his car and headed toward the highway. Maybe it was his imagination, but a fraction of the weight on his shoulders had disappeared, and he fixed his gaze on the road ahead.