Extinguished

It was all internal, and she knew it. But that didn't matter because it was all real to her. The burning pain coursing through her, the choking and shortness of breath suffocating her, the flashing thoughts that races with each pulse. She couldn't see the difference between reality and the blazing worries, clouding over her mind until it was all a merge between what was happening and what she was feeling. There was a lack of clarity, a panic to return somehow, a fear that she would be lost in this internal flame for good without anyone knowing. The buzzing picked up and she started losing focus on the world around her. The laptop on her desk lost meaning and she felt the need to escape, but she wasn't sure what she was escaping from exactly. It terrified her, but she was also growing used to the constant fear, it was becoming home to her in a way that should be concerning. And yet, it was one of the few things she was familiar with.

While Sarah tried to decode the difference between reality and fiction, a hand grabbed hers tight and she felt a small pull back. The smoke started to clear a little and she gasped at the new warmth. It wasn't burning and it wasn't engulfing, it was warm and radiating.

"Where are you right now?" a voice asked. Sarah sighed at the question and turned towards the voice. She bit her lip and tried to determine the right words, eyes shifting and finally taking in the burning interior of a room, her room.

"I'm still here," Sarah stated.

"What's happening right now?" the voice asked. Sarah noticed a corner without fire and squinted, hoping the area would clear and she could see what was actually over there; what really lurked in the shadows.

"It's all. Hot. Everything's hot."

"Come back to me, babe. I'm right here," the voice reassured.

"I don't know how."

That was the problem with these moments. Sarah knew of them too well. When the anxiety crept up after weeks and weeks of being bottled and spilled from its container to consume her. Usually it would feel like drowning, but this time it was all hot. It was all consuming. It was trying to swallow her in flames.

"Let's start. slow. Just breathe. Squeeze my hand when you breathe in and release when you breathe out. Think you can do that right now?"

"Yeah."

It took a moment, but the smoke seemed to clear form her lungs. The heavy breaths were getting lighter and things were feeling clearer.

"What does it look like now?" the voice asked.

There were still flames. Things were still actually on fire. But they were all smaller. They fanned out a little more with each steady breath and each deep inhale with a smooth and long exhale, blowing over the troubles and making them seem ever so slightly smaller than before. Yes, it was getting better.

"A little better. Less fire," Sarah stated.

"Fire? Since when was it fire? Usually it's water. Or just being spacey," the voice pointed out. Sarah just shrugged and kept looking around. It was less rapid, less uncontrollable.

"It started a little while ago. But the flames just. Rose. They got bigger and I couldn't. I-" she started feeling panicked again. Did she do something wrong? Was there something wrong with her? even in a state of atypical this was completely left field for her. And if it was left field for her then who would be able to help? And if no one was able to help then she would be stuck in this personal Hell.

"Come on babe. Just breathe with me. In and out like before. It's gonna be okay." A second hand came around and landed on her back softly. She felt it move up and down in soothing strokes with each movement down caressing the small of her back. It was just enough pressure to push the breath out smoothly.

"I'm sorry," Sarah choked out. She wasn't even sure what she was apologizing for. Nothing actually happened. And everyone was safe. And things where fine. She didn't even know what triggered the panic to begin with. But it was here and it was strong. Usually panic like this didn't happen without being provoked.

"There's nothing to be sorry for. It was a little crowded today. And no one was respecting personal space in the slightest."

"I don't need justifications. I just. Want to be better."

"And you'll get there. But we gotta take things slow. And it sucks, but it's better than speeding through and getting all worked up."

"I know. It's just. It makes me feel inferior. I can't control this. I can't get out of my own head. I can't even see you when I get like this."

And the tears started flowing for real. They were heavy and each tear dispelled a weight that lightened her shoulders, allowing her to sit up straighter. She watched the flames die down until they were nothing more than rumbling remains of blue. The blue flames consumed, but it was slower and seemed minimal.

"That's why I'm here to help. We've got this. We've been through this so many times. And you know I'm not leaving for any reason. No matter the situation, I'm here. Okay?"

"Okay. But what if-"

"Nothing you can do or say will make me get up and leave. Not like that."

The flames were going out more. Soon it was just the dull embers dying out while she continued breathing and focused on the arms wrapping around her, securing her, bringing her back.

"Reilly?" Sarah asked quietly. The person around her nodded and she smiled.

"I'm always gonna be here for you babe. Whether you're lost in a pool of water or apparently in a burning building. I'm not letting go and I'm not leaving you. Not when you're just spacing out and never during an anxiety attack."

Sarah nodded and leaned into her partner with a deep sigh. The last of the flames when out and the room cleared.

There was no fire. There was no immediate terror. There was no need to panic. At least not anymore, not at that moment. Instead, she was being surrounded by warmth and safety. And she treasured it because the arms around her kept her grounded. And the heat around her was real and felt out of love.