Drifting off into the Stars

It was 9 o’clock. He knew because at the same time every night, the nurse would come in for his final assessment, give him pain medication and sleeping pills, and offer to get him ready for bed. Every night, he would decline the bedtime, informing the nurse he wanted one more hour to sit in his wheelchair by the window and gaze at the starry night sky. At 10 o’clock his worn body could barely still stay awake, and he would allow the nurse to pull him up and into the bed for another night of restless sleep.

With a knock on the door, the nurse entered the room and walked over to her patient sitting silently by the window, “Hey, Mr. Goodman, it’s 9 o’clock. I’ve got your bedtime pills for you.”

“Call me Geoff,” came the raspy voice as the white head by the window glanced over to the nurse.

“Okay, Geoff. Here, go ahead and take these for me. I brought you some water. Are you ready for bed yet?”

Geoff concentrated on lifting the medicine cup to his lips and swallowing the few pills in the cup with a sip of water to wash them down. Then he looked back up at the nurse, took a deep breath and answered her, “No, not yet. I’m not tired yet.”

“Okay, I’m gonna go check on my other patients and I’ll come back to put you to bed. Do you need anything?”

“No, thank you.” It was getting more and more difficult for him to keep a conversation going. Old age was slowing his brain down, and even though he was fully aware of everything going on, he needed time to respond. Inside his mind, however, his thoughts still came as swiftly as if he were thirty years younger. In fact, he could hardly believe the way his physical body could no longer keep up with all the things he still wanted to do and say. So he contented himself with observing and reflecting more than interacting. Every evening he relaxed by the window in his nursing home room, letting his thoughts reflect on whatever they chose to.

Tonight, before the nurse even left the room, his mind was already transporting him back to a lovely memory some fifty years ago. He saw himself entering a beautiful white church. All his closest family and friends were gathering soon to celebrate the most wonderful day of his life, the day he would take the love of his life to be his own. He could feel the butterflies again filling up his stomach with excitement. His mother was standing in the narthex, and she ushered him to the office where his friends waited to get him ready.

In an instant, he was suddenly standing at the altar. The preacher stood behind him, his family sat in front of him, and his friends stood beside him, but all Geoff could see again was the sight of the double doors opening at the back of the sanctuary to reveal a smiling face with a beautiful, flowing white gown. She walked closer and closer to him until finally, he was able to hold her hands in his and stare into her beautiful brown eyes again. She looked so young, so full of life. He looked down at his own hands, smooth and clean, not wrinkled and weathered like they became after so many years of loving this woman.

Love. This was the best decision he ever made, to love this woman, a decision he made over and over again every day. Despite every trial they went through, he constantly chose her because love is stronger than anything they ever faced together.

His heart suddenly filled with contentment now as he remembered the feeling of knowing that he had found the one that his heart loves. He could picture them laying on the grass under a clear night sky, staring at the bright stars, trying to read the constellations. Her laugh, it was always so sweet, so full of joy. He basked in the moments he could make her laugh. Just to hear that sweet laughter again… Yes, this love was the best thing he had ever chosen.

This love brought him so much joy over the years, including four children and ten grandchildren. There is nothing to compare to the reward of having a wife and family that love him deeply. Out of everything in his life, the one thing he could look at with the most pride was his children. He was so proud of how each of them grew up. Every grandchild that came, he couldn’t help but feel his heart swell with more love than he thought he could hold.

He pictured his oldest grandchildren, their little curls bouncing around their giggling faces. They would climb into his lap and beg him to read a story, then beg him to read it again. Geoff looked into their precious eyes again. He could hear them asking him for a story about their parents when they were as little as them. Geoff’s eyes twinkled again. He took a deep breath and pretended to think very hard about a good story to satisfy their curious minds.

Blessing. He never felt so blessed as when he considered his family. No family is perfect, and they had a good amount of squabbles and troubles, but they were all able to look past that, and love each other unconditionally. They made a point to know what was going on in each other’s lives. They intentionally spent time together, not just over the holidays, but even weekly. The relationships were strong, and there was nothing Geoff could be more proud of. He had an inheritance for each of his children, and he had already let their oldest child take over the farm, but that didn’t even matter so much to him as the fact that his legacy was a strong family bond. And he knew his wife would be proud of how much they continued to grow that bond.

But then, suddenly, his mind grew clouded. The sights of the wedding day and giggling grandchildren slipped from his memory. For a moment, all he saw were the stars twinkling noiselessly outside his window. And then the stars took shape into his old school building. He and a few other boys were rushing outside, eager to enjoy the rest of the sun they could at the end of the school day. The noises of children chattering and laughing filled his mind again. These were the simple days.

Then, a few seconds later, he and his friends were following a young boy down the road, far from the sight of other students and adults. He heard bantering, name-calling, and saw a small rock thrown at the boy’s backpack. He looked down at his lap in knowing shame. It was his own hands that had thrown the first stone. His own voice rang out mocking jokes to the young boy. The memory was vivid. The boy looked behind him, terror filling his eyes. Geoff’s heart filled with compassion for the student, but he wished he had felt that then. No, young Geoff laughed at the boy’s fear, chased him down, and met the boy’s jaw with his own fist.

Power. He liked the sense of power he got when bullying another kid. Maybe because it hid all of his own insecurities. People couldn’t guess that he was hurting inside from his own abusive household. But now, Geoff looked back, heartbroken, knowing that he wronged that poor boy, and many others. Bullying. That was by far the worst sin he ever committed. Picking on innocent kids who were simply smaller and weaker than him. Just so he could feel in control of something.

But he lost all control later. As a young man eager to defend his country, Geoff bravely joined the military at eighteen. He could sense the pride swelling in his heart again as he signed his contract, ready to prove his worth to all the other young men. But the memory that rose in his mind now was not one of pride, worth, and victory, but of loss. His head filled with the dreadful sounds of bombs, gunshots, and screams. He turned and saw the night sky filling with smoke, lit up not with stars, but with hatred and vengeance. Then he looked at the ground around him, reliving the sensation of fear. It was a fear of survival; all he knew was that he had to keep moving to get out of range and hopefully make it through this day. He could never in his life relive a feeling quite like this before; he had never been so close to death.

His eyes scanned around the battlefield, searching for the right move to make. His gaze scanned over several bodies, hunched over each other, lifeless. Some limbs restlessly grasped for another’s hand, or whatever they could hold on to in this world, as their lives slowly slipped away from them. Too many to count. Too much life was lost. Too many unrecognizable faces.

When the men finally reached back at camp, the numbers of soldiers confirmed dead or missing were staggering. Geoff’s eyes scanned the survivors, looking desperately for his best friends. Not one face, not one pair of sad eyes, was one that Geoff wanted to see. Survivors, yes, but not a single one of his friends. How could he be the only one?

Loss. This might be the most powerless feeling he had ever experienced. There was nothing in control about that day. His mind raced with regret again. He could have kept an eye on them better; he could have followed them; he could have forced them all to go the same direction. But the regret settled again in his mind as he realized again, something he wrestled to realize over and over again in his life, that there was nothing else he could have done. It was their time to go, and not his.

Geoff blinked. Surprised, he noticed a tear welling up in his eyes. Such strong feelings from the past were so vivid in his mind again. As the tears disappeared, the starry night sky came into focus. He remembered sitting on the back porch with his loving wife, trying to pour his heart out to her about this day, about the loss of so many innocent lives. She would patiently listen, her heart breaking for him. Then she would quietly tell him how their memory lived on with him. They would stare at the stars, and she would remind him that each of his friends whom he missed so much was staring back down at him. They never left him; they were simply in a better world now, watching from an unknown world, waiting for the day they could all be reunited.

It was this same consolation that got him through his wife’s death as well. Some ten years back, he had to say the hardest goodbye he had ever had to experience. But he knew, even as he said it, that it would be temporary. He promised her he would watch the stars every night for the rest of his life so she could watch him staring up at her. And he did. Every night he would imagine being reunited with her, getting to hold her again in his arms. He talked to her, filling her in on all the incredible things she was unable to experience here. He told her about the grandkids, how much they were growing and learning. He told her about the farm, how their oldest son was running it beautifully. He told her about the nursing home, how their kids would come visit him almost every day, and how they set up pictures of the whole family in his room. And most of all, he told her how much he loved her.

In the middle of his evening conversation with his wife, Geoff could tell how tired he was getting. He fought long enough to tell his wife he loved her and then dozed off in his chair. Soon the nurse came in, and he allowed her to dress him for bed and help him move over to lay down. She made sure he was as comfortable and warm as possible before cleaning up a few things around the room.

“Do you want the curtain closed, Geoff?” she asked.

“No, thank you,” came the raspy reply. He preferred to fall asleep staring at the starry sky.

“Okay, sleep well,” the nurse said. She closed the door on her way out and Geoff was left alone again with his thoughts. A wave of peace passed over him, and he allowed his mind to drift off again.

He pictured his wife, sitting beside him on the bed, staring at the stars with him, as they did so many times their entire life. He tried to name the constellations again. He could remember most of them.

He reflected again on some of these major points of his life. He had lived a good life. He had made mistakes, taken risks, learned many hard lessons, but he also had the most love a man could ever ask for. His life was full of stories, good and bad. He could not have asked for any more. His hand reached out as if to caress his wife’s face. She looked so stunning with the stars twinkling behind her white curls. It made her eyes dance. He missed her.

He could visualize every detail in her face better and better. If he reached out, he could almost touch the hand she offered out to him. In the distance, he could see vague faces coming closer into view. He glanced at them; they were, undoubtedly, friends, from the war. He had never forgotten their faces. And there they appeared, so clearly. He couldn’t wait to see them again. The stars sparkled through their figures still. But with every passing second, they were becoming more and more tangible. It was as if Geoff could reach out and shake their hands.

Geoff smiled at the stars again. His mind felt more and more rested. His heart swelled with hope, and his body melted softly into the bed. And he drifted off into a deep, peaceful sleep.