To Live In Four Days

Content warning: Attempted suicide, depression

“Stop!”

His hand reached for the fabric of the back of the girl’s coat, pulling her away from the edge. The two clumsily regained their footing, safe on the ground. She turned around, staring at him, eyes wide with surprise.

“Who are you?” She asked.

And thus, Kami had broken a rule: A grim reaper must never speak to a mortal. For if they do, they will be seen by them.

-

Nobody could run away from the God of Death. That was the rule of the world, unable to ever be altered.

No matter how much humans begged at the end of their time, or how much they cursed to the heavens above, death treated every being the same. 

The God of Death did not feel. They did not love nor hate. The God of Death was the universal end that greeted mortals as they departed from the living.

As such: “a God of Death can never lose”.

This was the mantra that Kami would always mutter to himself as he tended to his duties in the underworld as a grim reaper subservient to the God of Death.

So he did not know how he ended up in this situation. He was simply tending to his duties, skimming through his papers with the names of the souls he was in charge of collecting. Beside their name was the number of days they had left to live.

Nothing was out of the ordinary until one of the papers in his stack began to flicker. The paper flickered in tiny flames. Kami could not believe his eyes when he saw the number of years on the paper suddenly faded, replacing itself with the number zero.

Kami had to find out what exactly spurred this strange event. And, thus, he arrived to find that girl standing too close to the edge.

“What were you doing?” Kami growled at her. “One more step, you could have died!”

Even at the heat of the moment, he understood the irony of his words. Why must a grim reaper like him worry over someone’s death?

“I just needed to breathe.” The girl answered, still looking stupefied at the sight of him. After all, he was a grim reaper. His skin was as pale as the moonlight, and he was tall enough to cast an overlooming shadow. 

“I do not believe you. You were about to fall off the edge!”

It started to dawn on him. Was she trying to manipulate her own death? 

“What reasons would you have to do such a thing?” Kami asked, truly baffled.

“A lot has happened.” The girl rambled on. “My mother just passed away.”

“So you did this because of what happened to your mother?” Kami’s brows arched in disbelief.

She shook her head, downcast. “You make it sound simpler than it is.”

“How complicated must it be to want to live?”

The girl let out a halfhearted and weary laugh. “If you know the answer to that, please let me know.”

Kami’s anger only grew. For he felt as if she was laughing at the God of Death himself. A grievous error to make. 

His eyes darkened. “To manipulate death is the biggest disrespect to the natural order of life.”

“Disrespect? You sound as if there is some sort of god that I have offended.”

"Indeed. The God of Death hears the words uttered by the living.”

She gazed away, eyes looking distant. “If that is true, then why haven’t they taken me?”

Kami cannot comprehend the words that come out of this mortal’s mouth. “It does not work like that.”

“But we all die, don’t we?” She challenged, looking back at him. “What does it matter when that is what will happen in the end?”

Kami was left speechless, unable to answer her question. As the silence continued, the girl broke away her gaze.

“I should go now.” She said, “It is getting late and I will have to prepare for my mother's funeral.”

“Does this mean you won’t be doing anything reckless?” Kami asked.

The girl exhaled softly. Her shoulders slumped, as if she was suddenly worn down with exhaustion.

“No,” She answered. “I don’t feel like it tonight.”

-

Kami was deep in thought in the grove of the underworld, watching above at the orbs of souls that floated around the trees until they finally settled. With each soul, a bell-shaped flower bloomed with life. They dangled gracefully from their stems like tiny pearls. Their white petals gently curled at the edges, exhibiting a translucency that allowed the soft glow of the trees to filter through in its ethereal glory. 

The souls would always come as fate instructed them to. Their fate was never re-written or altered.

However, ever since that night he interacted with the girl, he found that the days numbered on her paper have changed.

4 days. 

Kami certainly remembered that the girl used to have a longer lifespan than that. Long enough for the hairs on her head to turn gray.

He did not know how she did it. Or perhaps it was his fault. After all, he did break a rule that grim reapers must follow. 

Word had spread in the underworld, and it seemed that his fellow grim reapers were wondering the same thing.

“You are no rookie, Kami.” Mori, his best friend, asked. “You have served the underworld for many millennia. What made you make such an error?”

“There is something strange about her.” Kami responded, eyes glued to the girl’s paper. “A lifespan cannot be so fickle, can it?”

“I do not believe so.” Mori shook his head. “Regardless, it would be best not to interfere like that again. If she only has four days left, then she must meet her fate.”

Mori clasped his hands together in prayer. “The God of Death-”

“Can never lose.” Kami finished without the conviction he usually had when uttering the mantra.

-

It was uncharacteristic for Kami to put his nose where it did not belong. But the event was too strange for him to ignore. 

He was doing this for the God of Death, he told himself. After all, it would be blasphemous to let a mortal get away with manipulating their death.

The land of mortals smelt different from that of the underworld. As Kami walked by the stream of a valley, he inhaled the scent of morning dew and the fresh, earthy aroma of the trees, which contrasted to the underworld’s musty and cool atmosphere. 

“I did not expect to bump into you here out of all places.” 

Kami almost flinched at the sound, not yet accustomed to mortals speaking to him. When he turned around, he saw the girl he was looking for. He had seen her previously in the night, so he was able to take a closer look at her now under the sunlight. Her skin was pale, which made the dark circles under her eyes all the more evident. Even the basket of white flowers she was holding had more vibrance than her visage.

“I was picking some flowers to arrange at my mother’s funeral.” She answered, taking notice of him staring at her basket. 

“Lilies.” Kami commented. Of course, they were the common selection to express one’s grievances.

“They’re Mother’s favorite. She even named me after them.”

That was right. It was the name written on her paper. 

“Your name is Lily.” Kami noted.

She nodded, but her lips curved downward to a frown. “It’s quite depressing to be named after a flower used in funerals, isn’t it? I wonder why she chose it. But perhaps she knew it suited me.”

“What makes you say that?” 

She fiddled with the petal of one of the lilies in her basket. “Mother always believed in the God of Death. She said that God will guide your soul into the afterlife. That’s why there was no reason to be sad. No reason to be sad if I will be left behind.”

Her grip on the petal became tighter until it tore. Lily glanced at it and sighed, taking it out of her basket and throwing it back on the flower bed.

“Does it make you angry?” Kami asked. After all, he was no stranger to mortals cursing at the heavens above over their grief. He had seen it throughout the millennia he had been collecting souls.

“I don’t know.” Lily placed a hand on her chest. “Even before her loss, there has been a void that co-existed within me for so long. Why does this void make me feel empty? Why do I feel so lonely? I can’t understand it. For the longest time, it’s been a mystery. And now I wonder if there is a point to knowing. If there is a point to this struggle at all.”

“Then that night… were you trying to end your struggles?” Kami could barely ask the question, for it felt too daunting to ask. But the girl did not answer, instead picking another lily from the soil.

“I must go now.” She said. “It’s nice to see you again, I suppose.”

She handed him a lily before she walked away, her footsteps crunching against the grass. 

He looked at the lily that was rather tiny on the palm of his hand. He remembered the lifespan written on her paper. Right now, she had three days left to live.

In three days, will she try to repeat the events of that night?

-

Kami remained invisible to the rest of the naked eye as he made his way to the valley. People were chatting blissfully as they passed by him, unaware of his eerie presence. One man walked by him, holding a bouquet of bell-shaped flowers. Somehow, it reminded him of something. He must have seen them before.

“You are here again.”

Lily wore a black dress and this time, had no basket in hand. The beginning of a funeral, Kami noted.

“As are you.” Kami said. “What brings you here if not to pick flowers?”

“The valley. I like coming here. It keeps my mind quiet.”

If Kami were to be honest, the valley indeed was a beautiful place with its carpet of lush green grass and array of wildflowers with a kaleidoscope of hues. Lilies, in particular, lined up the pathway in different shades. Even the white ones bloomed with vibrance, despite its meaning.

“Nice, isn’t it?” Lily said, breaking their silence. “When I come to this valley, the void dissipates slightly. There are no expectations here. I sometimes fantasize about building a home here. Being the only one living in this place. Somehow, imagining that makes me feel less alone.”

Kami watched as her expression turned tense. “But there’s always an end to the imagination. Every time, I have to leave this place. And every time, I am reminded of the void that tries to suck me in. There’s no way of escaping it. No way of understanding it.”

That was when Kami started to slowly understand her relationship with death. Her desperation to end the feelings of loneliness and grief. The belief that death was the only solution to it all.

But death was not supposed to be a dark means to an end. Nor was it supposed to corner a soul who was given the blessing of life.

It should not be an accomplice to suffering, but a part of what it was to live.

“You have a choice on how you look at things.” Kami picked up a wilted flower and twirled it between his fingers. “For some, perhaps this valley reminds them of the same sadness you feel. Like you, they may also be unable to escape, however. They are forced to visit this valley.

“If you, who witnesses the beauty of this valley, encountered such a person, would you help them out of that darkness and view the beauty beneath it all?”

Kami took Lily's hand, placing the wilted flower on her palm. “There is always something to look at, even in the darkest of places. Even in the dark, you can find something just as beautiful as your imagination. And maybe you can even find the understanding with yourself that you need.”

Lily stared at him with wide eyes without a word. Even a grim reaper like himself could turn embarrassed. After all, he had no experience socializing with the living, let alone giving advice.

“You speak like a wise sage.” Lily finally said, scanning his face curiously. “Though you do not look so old.”

“Looks can be deceiving.”

She hummed at his answer. “I never asked for your name.”

“Kami.” 

She hummed again. “What an unusual name.” 

Then, for the first time, she smiled. “Thank you, Kami. For listening to me.”

-

“Thou hast erred in breaching the hallowed statutes that guide thy sacred duty. By divine decree, thou art temporarily halted from visiting the earthly realm!”

Kami sighed, lying down on the grove. It had been a day since his actions were finally caught by the God of Death and their court. They had spared him, punishing him only by suspending him from the mortal world. Of course, there were no second chances. Worse consequences awaited him if he were to disobey the divine ruling.

But despite the lenient sentence, Kami only felt restless. Two days. She had two days left to live now. And by now, the sun had set in the mortal world and this second-last day was almost over. Her lifespan only continued to dwindle, with no trace of the former number of years that was written on her paper. 

What will she plan to do in her last two days? He barely did enough to understand her. 

He stared up at the trees and the souls that sprouted into their floral forms, dangling on the tree like bells.

Déjà vu hit him again. Why did they look so familiar?

He recalled the valley. He was sure he saw a flower like that. A man, he believed, had a bouquet of flowers that looked exactly like them.

And it was as if the puzzle pieces were coming together.

“They’re Mother’s favorite. She even named me after them.”

He jolted upright. The lily of the valley, and the cherished flower of the grove. A flower that symbolized happiness, bringing joy and blessings to those who encounter it.

But most of all, it was a flower that symbolized renewal and rebirth. Despite its delicate appearance, the flower was resilient, blooming even after the harshest of winters, signaling a new beginning.

Perhaps Lily was not named after the flowers found at the wake of death.

-

“And where are you going?” 

Kami turned and saw Mori behind him. His expression was dark as he stared at his best friend, who left his question unanswered.

“Is this girl so important that you must break the rules of God?” Mori’s voice bellowed, yet it was laced with a hint of desperation.

“Maybe it is time for the rules to change.” Kami retorted.

“The God of Death can never lose!” Mori argued, the desperation in his tone growing. 

Kami looked at his friend defiantly, a newfound confidence overcoming him. “If we cannot help mortals find peace and live well before death, is it even a victory at all?”

Mori turned silent. And so, Kami takes a step, ready to head back to the world of the living.

“If you do this, I can’t help you.” Mori said defeatedly, absent of any threat.

Kami looked at the portal. If he were to leave, it meant that he was directly going against the orders of the God of Death themself. Once he returned, his position as a grim reaper would be relinquished, and his existence may even cease entirely. They might even chase him as soon as he stepped out of the underworld.

But if there was one thing that death taught him, it is that time was limited. It was important not to waste it, and live until the light is put out and dawn has come.

After all, he had already lived long enough. If he could use what he had left to save somebody from the misconceptions of death’s darkness, perhaps that would be his best achievement throughout his grim reaping years.

Kami walked through the portal.