The Static Shocker

“Simon.”

A shadow slowly crept across my desk, blocking out the light like a solar eclipse. Robert, my boss, was looking down on me like I was a particularly succulent meal he wanted to inhale.

I looked at him expectantly. It was going to be bad news, that much I knew.

How did I know, you ask?

Because it’s always bad news with Robert. Nothing good ever comes out of his mouth; Bad news, spittle, left overs from his lunch, carbon dioxide. It’s all bad.

“You need to stay back and finish up the roll out,” he said, indicating the workshop behind me where a pile of new laptops were waiting to be set up and deployed to the staff.

“But you said I had three more weeks to do it!” I protested. Ok, I admit I sounded whiny but I had a good reason.

Robert shook his head, jowls jiggling like jelly, “Word from above. Nothing I can do about it.”

Like you bothered trying.

“I can’t stay back tonight. I have plans.”

Which I did. I was going on a date. Yes, me Simon Smith going on a real life date with a real life girl.

“You’ll have to tell your WoW girlfriend that you’re busy,” he said. “Get it done or don’t bother coming in on Monday.”

I failed to bring up the point that firing me doesn’t get the laptops done. In fact, it delays it even more. But he knew that and he knew I couldn’t afford to lose this job. Not in today's job climate. I was at his mercy.

“She’s from Fortnite,” I muttered to Robert’s retreating back.

Heading into the workshop I looked at the pile of laptops and I swear they’d multiplied. Pulling out my phone, I sent a message to ‘xXxGood_FortNite6x420x9’ from my account saying I wouldn’t be able to make it.

And before you ask, no I did not have her number, we were having an online date.

So I exaggerated the ‘real life’ aspect of my date. Sue me.

I worked through lunch, through the afternoon going through the laptops as quick as I could. By the end of the working day I felt like I hadn’t even made a dent in them. 

Sitting at my desk being miserable, I watched people leaving. They said goodbye to me, giving me a look that was a mix of sympathetic and glad it’s not me. I envied them and regretted my decision to get a job in IT.

Six years I’ve been doing IT Support and all I had to show for it was a pay packet that was a few cents above poverty and a boss who treated me like I was a wedgie. Constantly picking at me.

I sighed and stretched. The building was empty now so I took a walk across the office to a bank of windows looking down on Main Street. I shouldn’t complain. There are people much worse off than I am. 

Rain had started falling, coming down in sheets and streaking the window. Light posts had bright halos around them and I saw the local homeless man crawling under a park bench to try to stay dry.

I shook my head. That poor man. I definitely had no right to complain, he relied on handouts to survive. I packed an extra apple or banana to give to him every morning. It wasn’t much but he seemed to appreciate it.

Thunder cracked and I flinched. Lightning lit up the street like a strobe light and I returned back to the workshop.

Taking my seat, I grabbed at the next laptop and…

Zzitck!

“Argh” I grumbled, pulling my hand back instinctively. “Every time!”

Static electricity. The bane of my existence. These new laptops had an aluminium casing and every time I left the workshop and returned I would get a shock. It’s happened so often I’m surprised I hadn’t developed superpowers.

I totally would in a comic.

I once asked for a static band but Robert denied the request. ‘Budget is too tight’ he said while on his way to a paid-for-by-the-same-budget weekly lunch.

“Such a tightass” I mumbled, rubbing my hands together. I could still feel the sharp pain on the tip of my finger and the zzitck sound echoed in my mind. I hated that sound and I hated the feeling which added to my already dour mood.

No overtime. No date with xXxGood_FortNite6x420x9. And the crappy ability to zap myself every time I touch a damn laptop.

“It’s going to be a loooong night” I drawled, reaching out for the laptop again. I managed to avoid a shock this time and connected the power and network port and powered it on. While I waited for it to boot up I went back to the window to see if the homeless man was still there.

It was raining even harder now and part of me was not looking forward to the walk to the train station after this.

If I ever get out of here.

Lightning flashed, lighting up the street, and I saw no sign of the homeless man. I hoped for his sake he’d found somewhere warm and dry.

Suddenly a loud clap of thunder shook the building and I stepped back from the window. I’d never seen a storm like this before. I didn’t even realise it was meant to storm tonight, let alone be as crazy as it was.

Thunder continued to rumble as I made my way back to the workshop. The laptop was ready and I sat down.

As I reached for the laptop, more thunder crashed and the building shook even more.

“It must be right above,” I said, pausing. I waited to see if there would be more or if it had moved on and after a minute of nothing but the constant drumming of rain I reached for the laptop.

At that moment, multiple things happened at the same time.

Thunder rumbled, initially sounding like rocks being tossed in a mixer before it cracked and it felt like the world had broken in half

As that happened, the power in the building went out.

As that happened, lightning struck the building.

As that happened, I touched the laptop.

Zzitck!

“Arh” I yelped and was thrown back, off my chair and crashed onto the floor.

I don’t know how long I was out but when I came to, the building was still empty and it was still raining. I coughed and sat up. My head was ringing and I had to close my eyes to stop the floor from spinning.

Taking some deep breaths, I opened my eyes and the world stopped spinning.

Before me the laptop I was working on had a cracked screen, the displayed a rainbow of colours, and a thin wisp of smoke trailed out of it.

“Oh no...no no!” I cried out getting up. I grabbed the laptop and-

Zzitck!

“Damn it!” I yelled. This time it really hurt. Pointlessly I pressed a bunch of keys and begged the machine. Telling it that it couldn’t do this to me as if it were a person and not an inanimate object lacking free will or conscious thought.

But it was broken.

I cursed and slammed the lid shut, earning me another painful shock.

Standing there I looked at the smoking laptop, wondering what the hell I was going to do. Robert would kill me. He wouldn’t care that it wasn’t my fault, we bought 60 laptops for 60 employees and that was that. 

No budget for anymore.

“What am I going to do?” I asked the laptop.

Unsurprisingly, it didn’t respond.

I needed time to think and realising my throat was parched I headed back to my desk. My water bottle was one of those ones made of steel, handy to keep my water cold.

I picked it up-

Zzitck!

“Ouch! What the…?”

That had never happened before. The laptops sure, but my water bottle?

I must have been building up some serious charge for that to happen. I picked it up again and was zapped again, but this time I noticed a small, blue spark when I touched the bottle.

Frowning, I poked the bottle, ignoring another zap, I watched and there it was, a small, blue spark.

“That’s...that’s just not possible.”

Maybe I hit my head harder than I thought. Maybe I had a concussion, there was no way I could produce sparks like that. I pondered over the possibility, trying to remember high school science (which I was an average student) as I made my way to the bathroom.

A splash of water would help.

Pushing the door open, I headed to the sink and…

Zzitck

I yelped. Not in pain but in shock. The sink mixers were metal and it seems like my static build up had not yet depleted. I was a walking battery.

I touched the tap again and got another shock, but I ignored it and turned on the water. I cupped my hands and put them under the cool running water and gasped.

As expected water was filling my hands, but my fingers were tingling and I saw bright blue-white electric strands moving in the water, like tiny wriggling worms.

I shook my head and closed my eyes. 

This wasn’t happening. This is just a dream or a concussion or a complete total breakdown of reality.

I splashed the water on my face. It fizzled and tingled but didn’t hurt much. It felt more like the pain sensation you get when your arm falls asleep. 

This is so weird.

I dried my face on the hand towels - zapping myself on the metal case - and decided I needed to see a doctor. Every metal surface was reacting to me. I joked about my static build up in the past but this was beyond funny now.

Heading back to my desk, I packed my bag and left. As I did, I grabbed my phone - zzitck - and sent a message to Robert that something had happened and I had to go. Just to reinforce the seriousness of it all I mentioned the word ‘emergency’ three different times.

Even though he was a jerk, he would understand this was serious. Right?

I hurried down the stairs and headed for the exit, pressing the button to release the lock - zzitck - I exited into the undercover walkway. Before me the wild storm was waiting. Rain poured down like God had left the hose on while wind blew the shimmering sheets horizontally.

It was then I realised I had no rain jacket and cursed myself. This just wasn’t my night.

I wasn’t sure where the nearest hospital was, so I pulled out my phone again - zzitck - and searched for the nearest one. It wasn’t far away and I took a step before I froze just before emerging from cover. 

Is anything going to happen to me if I step out here? Will I electrocute myself until I turn into a fried Simon? I thought about the handful of water I used to wash my face. It felt funny, tingley, but ultimately it didn’t hurt.

“Alright,” I said to psyche myself up. “Let’s do this.”

Taking a deep breath and letting it out in a loud whoosh, I took off.

Now, I admit, I should have taken a step or two to make sure everything was ok rather than going gung-ho into a storm like a kamikaze pilot..

It did not go well.

I made it about seven steps before pain started lancing my body. Tiny spears of electricity pricked my body, piercing my skin and fried the inside of my body.

I tried to move but my legs wouldn’t obey. My nervous system had been shut down and I fell like a human shaped log into a puddle of water which, naturally, caused the pain to intensify.

A small part of my mind that wasn’t crying out in pain was wondering what that blue glow was. Then I realised it was me. I was lit up like a nightmarishly blue-white christmas tree. My screams were blown away by the howling wind and before I blacked out I knew I was going to die.

Good news. I’m not dead.

Not in much pain either. Apparently my new static powers regenerate my tissues quickly, like electric muscle stimulation, or Wolverine. At least there is one benefit to whatever happened to me.

It’s been a week since I passed out in the rain after work. The homeless guy, the one I saw under the bench, he saved me. He pulled me into a bus shelter where he was sleeping the night. He heard my screams of pain and saved me.

He said I looked like one of those plasma balls you see in retro shops. The ones that were always next to the lava lamps. He said he was shocked when he found me and I didn’t know if he meant literally or emotionally.

I’d come too after he pulled me into the shelter and, before I fainted again, he said he recognised me from the times I’d given him food and considered us even.

I wasn’t going to argue with him, mainly because I couldn’t.

The sun was rising when I woke to discover my wallet, and my trust, was gone. 

Thankfully I had my phone but I was still static-y. I thought I was going to blow up my phone at one point, blue sparks erupting from my fingertips every time I touched the phone. There was nothing from xXxGood_FortNite6x420x9. Nothing from my parents. And one from Robert that said “Don’t bother coming back.” 

I was really feeling the love that morning as I made my way home, shocking everything I touched. Thankfully the train was empty, people were heading into town, not out so I didn’t electrocute anyone.

As I sat on the train wallowing in misery at having lost my job, I received another text from Robert:

“I am docking your pay for the damage to the laptop!”

Misery turned into anger and I felt my phone getting warm as I tossed it from hand to hand. I looked down on it, feeling the warmth and an idea sparked into being.

A glorious, wonderful idea. 

I laughed and it felt wonderful. There was only one other person on the train and she gave me a concerned look before moving to the other end of the carriage. Hand on her bag and ready to bolt if I even glanced in her direction but I was too busy laughing like a madman.

Because then and there I decided to reinvent myself.

For the rest of the week I was holed up in my room. I ordered what I needed online and got it sent by express post. My parents checked on me from time to time but I told them I was fine and just working on a project. Which was true.

By Friday I had it finished. I lay it on my bed and admired my work. My work consisted of dark blue compression pants with white lightning bolts down the sides and blue runners. And a dark blue compression top with white piping along the shoulders and arms. Centered on the chest was a white lightning bolt.

The mask was cast in resin, shaped like lightning bolts and secured with elastic. 

It was beautiful and I teared up a little looking at it. 

And that was the night Static Shocker was born and I knew my first target.

Days later

I covered myself in loose fitting, but easily removed clothing, my mask hidden in a pocket and took the train into town. I walked purposely towards my old building and punched in the keycode I knew they’d never change and headed upstairs.

Sneaking into the toilets located outside the offices on the second floor, I pulled off my clothes and pulled on my mask. It was near knock-off time and I cracked open the toilet door slightly to watch as my old work colleague cleared out. I waited as the numbers thinned out and I was suddenly worried he wasn’t here. He usually left with the others, he was not the type to work back.

He’d prefer to delegate it to others so the fat bastard can leave, I thought bitterly.

I was just about to give up when, suddenly, there he was. He was carrying a computer bag in one hand and a large box in another. Pushing the door up with an ass that should have it’s own postcode, I watched him pass by the toilets, heading for the elevator.

Always the elevator. Never the stairs.

So predictable, I thought gleefully.

I slowly pulled open the door and I slipped in behind him. I followed him to the sole elevator in this building. 

He pressed the button as I snuck up behind him.

As he waited I built up the biggest charge I could. I’d worked on it during the week. Building my powers, if this were a movie I would have had a montage as I learned to harness this awesome power. If I had more time I could be even more powerful but my thirst for vengeance needed to be quenched and before me was the biggest jug of water there ever was.

Anticipation grew within me, my smile turned into a wicked grin.

I reached out. 

My index finger trembling with excitement.

I had to stifle a laugh.

And then…

ZZITCK!

-------

“You alright?” Ivan asked.

Robert nodded, indicating the bag and box still in his hands “Yeah, fine. Just a little zap.”

“What was that all about?” Ivan asked, indicating the stairwell where the spandex-wearing, Elton John look-alike had run.

“Hah-ha-ha-hah-HA!” came a hysterical laugh echoing up the stairwell. “You have been shocked by the electrifying Static Shocker!” came a high-pitched squeal.

Shrugging, Robert said, “No idea.”