A recipe for a classic family dinner

Here’s a lovely recipe that has been in my family for years. It can vary depending on the number of guests but is perfect for Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, and various birthdays. It is not recommended to follow this recipe if you come from a functioning family that likes each other.

Ingredients

1 Couple with multiple children, and who are struggling to cope under the pressure.

1 Uncle with borderline fascistic political beliefs.

1 Niece with new wave communist beliefs.

1 Baby that has never spoken before but will repeat the first swear word it hears.

1 Auntie who was asked to bring a pie but instead bought a chocolate cake from Costco and is trying to pass it off as her own.

2 Grandparents who if they had married at a time when divorce was more acceptable would have separated fifty years ago.

1 Oven that will somehow burn half the food and undercook the rest.

3 Older cousins who do not wish to be there and will leave halfway through dinner for half an hour to drink behind the shed.

1 Outdoor table that will have to be brought in because the dining room table is not big enough. (It is important to not put any family members who are easily offended on this table. They will see it as being done on purpose.)

1 Cook, male or female, though always an adult with far too many responsibilities already, but cannot stop people pleasing. It is imperative that this person is observed at all times by different family members who want to “help”.

Method

Step 1: Preparation.

Have the cook begin preparations early in the morning, generally around breakfast time when people need to use the kitchen themselves. This will cause an early build-up of frustration that should bubble up nicely during dinner. Now would be the best time for the cook to have their first drink of the day.

Step 2: Early arrivals.

When arrangements were being made the mealtime should have been specified for two. Therefore, any hard to deal with grandparents or other older relatives must arrive for no later than eleven. For the maximum effect they should all also be obsessed with talking to the cook, but will make many comments about what they are doing and how they would do it if they had been asked. The cook will then note that no one offered, even though they expressed a desire not to host this time.

Step 3: On time arrivals.

Any Aunties and Uncles must arrive ten minutes early, having clearly had an argument during the drive over. They will make no attempt to hide this and in fact may ask other family members on their opinion concerning the argument.

Step 4: Seating.

The family shall take their places at the table. The elderly guests will be given the best chairs and the youngest the worst. The elderly will not be grateful for this; they shall see it as their right. The youngest will understand it but now that they are all in their late teens or early twenties a deep seeded resentment will begin to set in and fester.

Step 5: The meal.

Once the cook has finished their second bottle of wine and shouted at three people it is time to serve the food. Everything will look surprisingly nice, but the cook’s mother-in-law will still zone in on the weakest dish and tear it apart. The whole table will note that the cook’s partner will say nothing in their defence.

Step 6: The chit-chat.

One of the aunties will ask one of the cousins how their search for a job is going. Everyone at the table will be aware that the cousins’ mother called the auntie in advance and told her not to bring this up. This will add a nice air of tension to the meal that shall form deep feelings of distaste that shall hopefully last for years.

Step 7: Politics.

Now for the dessert. The Uncle is crucial for this part. Having been staring at his communist nieces new piercing the entire meal, he is ready to speak. Unprompted, but completely on purpose, he shall display some mad right-wing political opinion. The communist niece, to the dismay of everyone, will rise to the bait, seeing it as her duty to correct him. The Uncle will happily argue his point, getting angrier with every word, whilst simultaneously shining with glee at how annoyed and genuinely hurt his niece seems.

Step 8: The Shed.

After the communist niece finally snaps and swears, shocking the grandparents terribly, the other cousins will take a break. The baby shall repeat the swear word, a fact the Uncle will use to suggest the niece is wrong and the youth of today are lawless and all older people are better. At the shed the cousins will share a hip flask of whisky whilst they complain about their family and the size of the town they live in. One of the male cousins will secretly agree with what the Uncle was saying. He shall take on the role in the future.

Step 9: Sandwiches.

After everyone has eaten and sat in polite silence watching television for a few hours, the cook will mistakenly believe it is a suitable time to clean. They will get a good portion of the cleaning done, however will half an hour in take a break to put their feet up for five minutes. It is at this point that someone, it does not matter the age only that they are greedy, will say they are still hungry. Despite the fact there are many leftovers they will ask for sandwiches, which they will expect the cook to make. The cook will not want to make them, but being a people pleaser, they will.

Step 10: Time to go.

Eventually the cousins will come in from the shed and once all the relatives are joined in the same room, it is time for the massive fight that will never be forgotten or forgiven. Literally anything could cause this. An odd look. A small comment. All that is important is that it is between adults and not the younger family members. This is the only way to be sure that decades of pent-up ill feeling can be hurled at each other over something as small as someone forgetting to say thank you when handed a cup of coffee. It is at this point that most family members will choose to make their leave, the grandmother possibly crying as she does so. The hosting part of the family will argue about whether to host again next time, both agreeing never again but somehow also being angry at each other. They will host next time, and every other time after that.

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Divorces and Desserts: food for family feuds.