When, not if

***Trigger Warning - mentions of suicide***

The shining dots in the sky welcome my pain. Blurred between the heavy drops of water coming from the sky and my eyes. Looking down at me crying in the cemetery. I isolate the one star I know that isn't just expressing it’s sympathy for me but empathising with me. I take in deep shaky breathes. Clutching the looping handle, keeping my only source of protection from the rain, high above me. Trying to rein in the water flowing from my face.

If only....

No. I couldn't think about that. He wouldn't want me too. But I can't just forget either. The thoughts will always run rampant in my mind. Always. Well not when I die. My hand holding my umbrella rushed up to my mouth, my legs falling from underneath me. My body welcoming the cold droplets of rain as a distraction. But nothing would distract me from what I just thought. More tears spill down my face adding the water running down my body. I thread my fingers in my hair and start pulling, letting the pain distract me from my horrifying thoughts. The one thing he asked. The one thing. My breathes start coming in ragged gasps. He asked me to be strong, to stay alive, yet the first thing that comes to mind is what it would be like if I die. I couldn't even register the cold, or hear the crunch of dead leaves, signalling somebody was coming my way. My body was numb to everything, expect the picture of his dying breath. His dying wish.

What if....

No. I could do it. I could be strong. I have to be strong. A cold hand clamped down on my shoulder. I didn't even flinch. Nor did I move. I didn't care if the person judged me. I was scared. Of myself. And my thoughts. I thought nothing could pull me from the void I was spiralling into. I was wrong.

His cold hands tilting my face so my puffy eyes would meet his icy blue ones. His icy blue eyes. Just like his. My breath caught in my throat, the tears once a waterfall slowing to a trickle. The rain on my back gone.

"Hey you have got to breath, ok?"

"Andy?" I whisper so quietly, didn't think he would be able to hear me.

"No. My name is Jacob." He replied rubbing my soaked back.

Jacob. I repeated his name over, and over. Trying to get it through my head, he wasn't Andy. He is Jacob.

"Are you going to tell me your name now?"

I finally came back to reality, glancing behind Jacob. Telling myself once again. That Andy's body was miles underground and his soul millions of light years above, watching over me. This could not be Andy. I steady my breathing and wipe away any remaining traces of tears from my face. And manage to breathe out one word.

"Zoe."

"Ok Zoe, can you get up?"

I nod, trying to still my shaking hands. I slowly rise with Jacob's hands supporting me with each step. Like he was afraid I would fall, but never get back up. I shudder, pretending it was from the cold. I need to stop thinking about myself joining Andy, no matter how great it sounded. I clench my fists, hoping to draw blood. My breathes start coming in uneven bursts. I stop and close my eyes, I would've fallen, if not for Jacob. He decided that it would be safer to carry me. I didn't even know where he was taking me. But I didn't care. I needed someone to watch me. To make sure I didn't do anything. By the time Jacob stopped, I had calmed down once again. And opened my eyes in time to see him struggling to open a car door, which was most likely his. I misread the situation and thought that he was trying to kidnap me. Now I was frightened and started squirming in his arms, trying to get him to drop me. Unfortunately, it worked. But it knocked the wind out of me, and I curled up on the ground. Whispering "Please".

He leaned down to me. "I am not going to hurt you. I just want to bring you out of the rain." I looked around, I had forgotten about the rain. My eyes landed on his concerned eyes as he looked into my terrified ones. And I knew, he was being genuine.

I hesitantly took the hand he offered me. And climbed into his car. He reached behind the chairs, and retrieved a blanket that he offered me. And I gratefully took.

"So. Who is this Andy you thought I was?" He asked carefully, once I was comfortably wrapped in his blanket.

My eyes drift to the floor. And he hurried to fix what he thought was a mistake. "Oh sorry if you don't-"

"It's fine," I softly say. "he was Andy Page."

"Was? Wait Andy Page? As in The Fire?"

I look out to the stars, to his star. "Yes."

When I looked back at him, I could tell he was curious. And knew that I owed him one for helping me.

"And yes. I am 'the Zoe'. The one that," I took a huge breath, trying not to break again, and continued. "That killed him." Tears silently streamed down my face.

"You know, no one blames you. It wasn't even your-"

"Don't." I stopped him before he could finish. I had heard that line way too many times, they knew nothing. They couldn't empathise with me. They didn't even know what really happened that night. They didn't know how much of a monster I was.

If I…

No. I couldn’t tell him. Then he would just tell everyone else and I would be blamed. I should be. But I don’t want to be. I wipe away the last of my tears and sit up, flashing a small unbelievable smile his way.

“I should really be going now. Thanks.” It was hard not to stumble on the words, even I could tell that my voice was thick with emotion. I reached for the handle, not bothering to grab my umbrella resting in the back seat, right next to his. Before I could pull the handle, I heard the click signalling that Jacob had locked the door. I pulled on it a few more times anyway. I scrunched up my eyes, pushing back more tears. I had cried enough already. As I opened my eyes and glanced out the window I saw a soaked, puffy eyed creature staring right back at me. Finally realising what a mess I was in, I rushed to wipe my runny nose on my black dress’ sleeve and wiped my puffy eyes again. I wasn’t even bothered to smother my long, wet tendrils of hair. It wouldn’t do me any good to even try. Feeling more confident about looking at him, I turned. Right into his concerned gaze.

“Let me out.” I said without expression.

“You can’t just keep everything to yourself. You will feel better if you share your problems with someone.” He gestures to himself as he ended his sentence.

“I will feel better once I get home, I have family to comfort me. I. Will. Be. Fine.” I reply not wanting to break in front of him again, if I did I knew I would have to stay with him. And I didn’t want to. Those eyes, those caring, blue pools in his face. Were just like his. And every time I looked at him, tears threatened to break down the wall and come rushing out. He looked at me his gaze getting more, and more concerned. His smile lowering inch by inch.

“I watched the news. I know you don’t have anyone else. If you want you can-”

“No!” I almost shout not bothering to stop the tears from flowing. “I am 16 I can care for myself. I don’t need anyone else.” I lower my voice to an unrecognisable whisper. “I can’t hurt anyone else. I can’t.” Lost in my memories, I didn’t feel Jacob’s arm reaching across my shoulders. I didn’t register that I was crying onto his shoulder. I didn’t hear his soft whispers as he played with my hair. All I could see was Andy’s face. Once all my tears had dried out and my senses returned I heard him lean into my ear and say “So. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

I wanted to say no. I really did. But I knew that he was right. If I didn’t tell someone then I would end up joining Andy, and he told me, asked me not to join him for a long time. I promised. So, after a few ragged gasps I started the story.

“You know most of it. But what you don’t know, is why that guy set Andy’s house on fire. One late night I had been drinking. It was.” Pictures of that moment flashed through my mind and I almost couldn’t continue. But I saw Jacob’s face, and knew that if I stopped he wouldn’t question me or ask me to keep going. So that is why I kept going. “It was the anniversary of the day I ran away. I thought that I could drink my regrets away. It worked. But I gained a new regret. A guy came up to me as I was walking home, he tried to take advantage of me, tried to get me to kiss him. I ended up humiliating him and pushed him in the creek. I don’t know why he was so worked up about it. But he trailed me home and waited till I left again. He didn’t know Andy was in the house. He wanted to get me back, he lit the yard. And it spread.”

“I came home, when I saw the thick smoke. I ran, dropping everything. Screaming his name. The thing is I saw him in the window. He was locked inside. I had a key. But I just stood there.” I thought I had no more tears left to spill, but I was definitely wrong. “I- I just stood there. I walked up to the door, so-s-s0 slowly. I-I took so long to open the door, on purpose! I don’t even know why! I just, watched him fall to the ground. I watched as he spoke his last words.” I hushed to a whisper. “If only… If only I was faster.”

I finished to afraid to look a him, knowing the exact expression on his face. Horror, disappointment, and afraid. When I didn’t look at him, Jacob gently twisted my face towards his.

“You were shocked. You didn’t set the fire. You weren’t the one who tried to take advantage of someone. You. Were not. Responsible.” He looked so sure.

“B-b-but.” I stuttered as he put finger to my lips.

“So what, you were slow. it was smoky and hot. I bet you Andy didn’t blame you. He was the victim, and if he didn’t blame you than no one should. Including you.”

I wanted to disagree. But what if… What if he was right. I was conflicted and confused. I knew that one thing could guide me. I stepped out of the car, flashing a meaningful smile Jacob’s way, not even caring about the rain. And looked to the sky. And the shining dots, littered there. I found the star I was looking for and watched it slowly blinking, slowly reminding me, that it is there. I stretch my gaze to all the other stars and think. What if… But I stop myself before I could finish that thought and start another.

When I…