An Act of True Love?

Dear Maria,

It is only 5 am. I haven’t been able to sleep again. The memory of our last meeting keeps playing through my mind like a video on repeat. Running over and over, giving me no respite.

I keep going over what I could’ve done differently to get a better outcome. But I didn’t and now I have to live with it for the rest of my life. If only I had left when I had the chance.

You have no idea how sorry I am that you got involved in our unconventional, twisted life. That should never have happened. You deserve so much better than that.

I managed to drag myself to work yesterday, but I was just on auto-pilot the entire time. Beep-beep-beep ‘That’ll be £26.54 please.’ I don’t want anyone to notice the change in me, which could be fatal for both of us. So I tried really hard, harder than I’ve ever had to try previously to be like I was before, but I’ll never be the same. I can’t now, how could anyone?

You are still the most beautiful soul who ever walked this cruel, cruel world. Even this couldn’t sully you. I know we have to just keep going through the motions, there is nothing more we can do. Anyway, I’m sure things will get easier with time, they damn sure can’t get any more difficult.

Love Forever Matthew x

My Dear dear Mathew,

Please stop being so hard on yourself. I could’ve walked away and not got myself involved but I chose to stay and support you.

Yes, it is so very hard to keep living our lives as though nothing has happened, as though it is the same as it always was. And you are right, nothing will ever be the same again.

Have you thought about getting some sleeping tablets? I did and I’ve managed to get a restful night’s sleep since taking them. Things always seem a little better when you are rested. I’m not going to lie to you, the nightmares come back as soon as you open your eyes, but coping with them just seems a little easier.

Remember what she said just before it happened. That is what is keeping me from going totally insane. I keep running her words through my mind, it was the right thing to do, and it was what she deserved. You have to hold onto that.

My love will always be yours, Maria x

Dear Maria,

Thank-you for your deeply encouraging letter. It has helped a lot. I didn’t need to resort to sleeping pills in the end. Your words helped me more than you will ever know. I do keep going over those words, she definitely wanted it to happen. She just couldn’t continue, it would’ve destroyed her, destroyed us in the end. It was certainly the kindest thing to do, in a twisted macabre way.

I can’t even imagine how bad it would’ve got, it was bad enough as it was, in a selfish way, the rest of my life would have been ruined anyway. Is that too self-centred to say?

Her body has finally been released and the funeral is next week. I know this might sound insane but I would really like you to come. I need you there you are the only one who knows the truth of that awful day. I understand if you can’t face it, but we have to act as though we truly are grieving the way we should, it may be odd if you don’t come. Just a thought but please think about it.

Love forever, Matthew x

My Dear Matthew,

I have thought about your request. It’s been a hard decision, but of course I have to come to her funeral. I have to be there for you and the rest of the family. I’ve been her best friend since infant school and me not turning up to it would definitely arouse suspicion.

I remember the day she was diagnosed like it was yesterday. It was like living a terrible nightmare. She was always the tougher one of the two of us. She protected me from bullies at secondary school, one bop from her and no-one bothered me again. And don’t get me started on when boyfriends treated me badly. Without her I would’ve spent the majority of my teenage years locked in my bedroom crying.

She made me stronger, but I would never be as strong as her. She was even strong right up until the end, she took control. Nothing was going to beat her, that’s determination for you.

What you did was out of pure, true love Matthew. She knew she could rely on you to take all the pain away. She wouldn’t want you blaming yourself. You have to believe me on that.

We just have to stick to our story, we must never deviate, although it was the right thing for her, in the eyes of the law it’s not all right.

When everything has died down we can at last be together, it isn’t the way I wanted it to happen, but it has and I know she would want us both to be happy.

All my love forever yours, Maria x

Dear Maria,

You are so right my love, everything you say is right on the nail. I remember the day she was diagnosed like it was yesterday too. She didn’t stop crying for a full twenty four hours. It made it so much worse because she had watched her grandmother suffer with multiple sclerosis. She watched her lose her independence and live daily with the pain. She was never going to put herself through the same thing. She would never have put her family through the same thing.

I started sorting out her bedside drawer today, trying to start the clean-up. I found a letter addressed to me and this has helped me a lot. I will send a copy alongside this letter. You must be careful with it and please burn it as soon as you can. The least amount of evidence the better.

We just have one more hurdle to overcome and then we should be high and dry. She is getting the funeral she truly deserves.

Love forever Matthew x

Dear Matthew,

Ever since I was diagnosed with this terrible disease I knew I wasn’t just going to sit back and let it ravage my body. There was only one choice, I had to end my life. I thought I would have another decade to get used to the idea. But as you know it was the aggressive type, and I didn’t have as long as I had hoped.

The day I asked you to help me was the hardest of my entire life, I knew you would find it shocking and would refuse outright. I’m so sorry I had to involve you, but I had no choice, I had quickly lost the ability to do it myself.

You will never know how much more I loved you when you agreed to help me take the overdose. I couldn’t live with the life sentence any more. Basically I was just sitting waiting to die. You helped to take my pain away and I will be forever grateful to you.

This part is a little harder for me to write. I know that you and Maria have been getting closer, I’ve seen the way you look at one another. That is the look of true love. I want you both to know that you have my blessing to be together when I am gone. I am happy that my two favourite people will have each other. I truly am pleased for you and thank-you for not taking it further while I was still here.

I love you both so much, thank-you for being with me right until the end.

Ingrid xx