I Won't Close It This Time

I stood at the end of my bed, completely lost in my thoughts. I've only been at Newbury High for a week, but I can't get Jane out of my mind. Even when I work on my homework, her bright smile fills my chest with warmth. My body flopped onto the bed, and I rolled over to face the ceiling. Today she asked me to go to Chiles with her and her friends, but I declined her offer. I've never been social, and it's not hard for me to say no, but something about her clouds my judgment. Earlier, when she asked me, I held my stance and made the right decision, but how long would it be before I lost my grip? 

I've pushed people away ever since I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. I know that I don't have forever, and I can't let people love me just for me to disappear. I talk to my father and my brother, but it's 17 years too late to ignore them. Our family has been through enough after my mother died. All of us went off the edge. My father didn't talk for months, my brother started doing drugs, and I had such a significant seizure that they had to fix me with a seizure-alert dog. Watching how big of an impact my mother's death had on my family, I vowed never to bring another person into my life. 

Every time I see Jane, I want to bring her in, but all I have to do is picture my death, and the answers come to me. I lifted my body off the bed and dragged myself over to my desk. I pulled my laptop open and stared into the bright light of the screen filled with math problems and formulas. I loved math because I could solve problems, but there was no formula to solve my emotions. With each number that I scribbled onto the page, a piece of Jane disappeared from my brain. I put so much energy into my work that there wasn't any room for other thoughts.

The only sound that could break my attention was my father calling me down for dinner. I blinked a few times to bring myself back into reality before responding that I'd be right down. My body turned as I stretched to face my dog, Goof. When I met her eyes, Goof had a straight face but cocked her head. Her front paws were dangling off the bed, and her back legs were tucked beneath her belly. "Let's go, Goof," I said as a huge smile began to grow on my face. I pointed toward the door, and we exited the room together but broke apart when we reached the narrow staircase. I watched her feet patter down the stairs while dragging my sore body, my back aching with every step. I ran and worked out for hours to get Jane off my mind, but the only result was leaving my body in pain. I felt a bit glum from my inability to think clearly until the smell of fettuccine Alfredo wafted through the air and caught my nose. 

Right as I smelt the garlic, I sprinted down the stairs, catching up to Goof. "You look especially happy today," my father said. He raised his eyebrows and motioned for me to sit at the table. My father was a fantastic chef, and I almost started drooling before my father told me I could dig in. "Dad made your favorite dish because you looked pathetic when you came home," my brother said with a smirk. My father shook his head in disbelief. I wasn't shocked that my brother said that, so I snapped back by saying, "I was just embarrassed that I was related to one of the druggies that were smoking in the parking lot during English class." The attention quickly turned away from me and onto my brother. It looked as though my father was going to say something, but he stopped short and pretended we weren't there. My father doesn't get mad; I don't think he has it in him. 

My brother and I looked at each other and sucked our lips in because we knew he was disappointed. We have both changed a lot since my mother died, but one thing will never change; we will always fight. I'll always be the smarter and stronger one, and he will always be the more attractive and friendlier one. My brother isn't going to die anytime soon, so we don't have to worry about him. I know that both my father and my brother worry about me, so I try to pretend normal, and so do they. They both know I won't live as long as them, and I loathe the day I have to break their hearts. 

We ate in silence until the doorbell rang. I shot out of my chair to leave the awkward silence. Goof followed me to the door matching my pace. When my hand reached the door handle, shivers ran up my spine. It hadn't occurred to me that leaving the awkward silence would mean I would have to talk to someone. I took a deep breath and clenched my fist around the handle before turning it.

From the slightly opened door, I could see Jane standing there. I wanted to slam the door, so I wouldn't have to face her, but I forced myself to be cordial and let the door swing open. I took everything inside me to hold back my smile. I forced a look of disappointment onto my face so that she wouldn't feel welcome. Her face shifted from hopeful to sorrow. 

"I know you said you were busy, but I was wondering if you changed your mind and would want to come to dinner with me?" she asked as a look of regret seemed to come over her. 

"I'm sorry," I said, but she cut me off before I could finish my sentence. "No, I shouldn't have come." She looked sad, and a part of me hurt, but it would be more painful to let her in. "Goodnight, Frankie."

All I could muster up was a nod before I closed the door. When I walked back toward the dining room, my father and brother looked down. I know they were listening, and they were disappointed. I broke the silence again by saying, "I know you were listening." My father looked sorry, but my brother looked mad. "I know you think you're hurting people by letting them in but have you ever thought about how they feel when you close them out?" my brother snapped. If only he knew how much I thought about that. But I didn't respond because I couldn't fight with him now. Instead, I got up, leaving my half-eaten food on the table. 

The sound of Goof's tags hitting each other follows close behind. When I got to my room, I returned to work and tried to forget about the past hour. The clock's small arm went from eight to eleven before I looked to the top of the screen to check the time. I couldn't believe the night had left so quickly. I needed to sleep to wake up tomorrow and have enough time to get ready. I slammed my computer close and jumped into bed. Goof jumped on shortly after and fell asleep. Sleeping was a challenging task for me. I lay there thinking about what my brother said and everything that could go wrong if I took his advice. Before I fell asleep, I concluded that I would make the most of whatever life I had left and enjoy the presence of other people. 

When I woke up, I felt great. Today I won't be glum, and I won't ignore everyone, starting with Jane. Jane opened my door, and I won't close it this time.