Pieces of my soul

 It had been years since I had envisioned your face. One moment changed everything. You had just turned 29 and that would make 10 years since we had been together. Our teenage days were bittersweet memories now, behind us but still so fresh. I could still smell your cologne and see the brown specks in your eyes when you got close. As you opened the door your face looked the same. Age had not hindered you at all. Your eyes still the same brown specks and your beard now fuller than I had ever witnessed. I instantly felt safe the moment I glanced upon you. Not many words were spoken at first. I assumed that we were taking each other in. Hanging on the moment and recalling every memory. You invited me inside and the rest will occupy space in my mind forever.

I wasn’t certain that you had felt the same and I had never had a difficult time deciphering what was on your mind. This was different however. You looked at me with uncertainty. Despite your unsettling expression we said hello and you asked how my drive was. We didn’t reside close to one another any longer. I had moved away after our previous relationship had come to an end. You lived in the same area though. I remember thinking how uncanny it was to be back here. Memories smothering my thoughts. I thought about the last time I was here. We had said goodbye. It was almost to painful to bear. I forced myself to put that memory in the back with the rest so that I could focus on what was in front of me.

Small talk was all that would come at first. We talked about what we like to watch on TV, what we had been up to recently. It’s not that we hadn’t had conversation. Just that we hadn’t had conversation in person for over a decade. It didn’t take long for the both of us to relax. I noticed your smile when I made a sarcastic comment. Sarcasm and banter are what we did best. No matter how off beat the jokes were, we never got upset and usually only laughed until we couldn’t breathe. I intently watched your face as your smile turned upward and your stare locked mine. It was as if we had never been apart. We sat comfortably on your couch. I thought to myself that this was the safest and most at peace that I had felt in years.

Being next to you sent sparks through my soul. When you accidentally brushed my hand with yours, it took everything within my power to sit still and not react. You looked at me with adoration and you were playful. You pretended as if nothing had happened and I chuckled at the thought. Your mannerism showing as if we should forget it. It was as if you were full of self doubt even though you had every reason to be confident. I leaned in closer to you and felt myself melt away. We were just there existing and infinite. Nothing mattered. Your scent triggered my memory. It was familiar and I took a deep breath in before resting my head on your shoulder.

We had a few drinks and were feeling nostalgic. Resting playfully within each other and singing along to music from our childhood. There was no place that I would rather be at that time. If I could hold onto one memory for the rest of my life it would be that night. Before long, you took my hand and led me to your bedroom. I didn’t anticipate anything of an intimate nature this evening but after my inhibitions had been lowered in more way than one, I didn’t care. We climbed into your bed and we just laid there at first. I took every sight of you in as you took in mine. The way you gazed into my eyes turned my stomach in knots. You wore the same turned up smile that you had earlier and I wondered to myself what you were thinking.

I suppose I asked you but you claimed it was nothing. Together we lie still, stealing small but affectionate kisses every few moments. You took portions of my hair and tugged on them gently because you knew that would put me over the edge. I loved every second. Our hands intertwined in between laughter and kisses. We fell asleep eventually. Our bodies in rhythm to one another. We woke gently in the middle of the night at the same time and I thought about a quote I had once read. “There’s an old wives tale that says that soul mates are connected at birth. When you can’t sleep, your soul mate can’t sleep either. So next time your laying awake, know that somewhere, someone is lying awake too.” This resonated within me. Undeniable almost. We exchanged a few words and drifted off to sleep still wrapped up in each other.

We awoke the next morning together. My head was still spinning from the night before. I secretly hoped that yours was too. We got up for coffee and light morning conversation. I didn’t feel the spark as I had but I wanted it to be there. I didn’t want this to be over. My heart told me that you were exactly where I was supposed to be. That I was home. My head told me that you made a mistake. You were drunk. It didn’t mean anything. As we sipped our coffee I didn’t know what to think. I did have to go. I lived a while away and you had made plans for that afternoon. As we prepared to say goodbye, I could tell in your eyes that something was wrong. I wanted to wrap my arms around your body and kiss you until I couldn’t feel my lips, but I didn’t. You asked that I text you when I got home and I remember thinking how sweet it was that you cared.

The drive home was long. I had a lot of time to think. I convinced myself that this was a mistake and that you didn’t feel the same. I was so afraid of being hurt. I arrived home and I texted you. Let you know that I got home safely. You said that was good and I knew. You see, I’m the girl who over thinks every part of my life. So I asked you. I sat trembling with my insides twisting for an answer. You told me that we should just be friends. Your feelings were not reciprocated. How can we spend a night like that and your feelings aren’t returned? I was crushed. Heartbroken. Even in such a short time. I couldn’t form a breath or a word, only anger. I said things to you that I didn’t mean only to regret them upon hitting send. I decided that we shouldn’t contact each other anymore.

As I sat and thought, I knew this isn’t what I wanted. I wanted to be wrapped up in you, feeling everything, seeing everything as clearly as I had seen it that night. You continued to crush me. Telling me you couldn’t move on from previous pain and that we couldn't pursue what I so strongly had been waiting for. Every song, every quote and every moment reminded me of you for days. I couldn’t shake what you had done to me. I knew it wasn’t right and that we would meet again. We had to. Souls don’t connect like that if not on purpose. To this day I sit and I wait. I hope every day that you will reach out to me. Tell me you made a mistake and that you love me too. I will wait for you forever for our second chance. For us to meet again in this lifetime or the next where our hands will rest intertwined, spinning a web of eternity.