An ordeal in faith

"An ordeal in faith, she named her first story in the diary. It was her new diary. She was a regular writer and religiously filled the pages of her diary.

Penning down her ideas, she began narrating her own story. She wrote -

“A string of faith is enough to stride over the oceans of turmoil…”

“Do I have a right to live my life on my terms?” 

This is the vital question that governs my life. I have been all throughout living my life for others – my family, my relatives, my friends……‘My’ though was not in essence connected to ‘Myself’.

I won my case.

Today is the day, the 19th of May… The day of the triumph of good over evil…

The day which ends one influential chapter of my life leading to new beginnings….

A new chapter is ready to be written by my deeds unlike the previous one which was indeed a result of my karmic cycle.

It has been a long battle – not only a battle in a court of law but one that transcends beyond time and space.

It has been more than a mere legal dispute to be resolved or a case to be won.

I feel free now.

I feel as if I am reborn.

But what do I do with the pain attached to my past events?

It still follows me even when I am ready to embrace a happy life.

Sometimes a person doesn’t choose happiness while sometimes happiness doesn’t come to a person. I belong to the latter.

The pain attached to my past events has now become my own self, my part. Sadly, I can leave myself but not the pain. I do lose myself when I am haunted by my past events every time.

Tracing the genesis of my pain one is likely to visit my childhood. Childhood is ideally the best period in a person’s life and shapes the person for his/her future.

As it is rightly said – “A man is a product of his circumstances”. I am a good example of this saying as my circumstances have made me what I am today.

I was born in a conservative Sindhi family residing at Calcutta.

This family had a unique history of its own which has been one of the major originators of my pain. 

I belonged to a joint family which met its fateful end for good. The extended family was a curse on me, my parents and my siblings.

The central idea which went a long way in brewing disputes in the joint family was that one can fight the whole world but not the family…..

I am the eldest daughter in the family and also the eldest amongst all my siblings and cousins.

Being the eldest, I was loved by my grandparents until my uncle’s jealousy affected them.

His jealousy manifested in many forms.

I still remember how he snatched a piece of chocolate from my hands and gave it to his daughter while my mother was busy serving food to other family members completely bereft of what was happening around.

I was very small then and could not understand why he did that. He was my dear uncle. I cried and wept but that was first impression of my uncle’s evil intentions and what was unbecoming of him.

That was one day when my uncle snatched a petty chocolate from my hands and then there were many when he snatched my happiness….one by one…..

My story has been a constant struggle to take back what has been snatched from me by my uncle and my destiny and to bring justice to my family.

My father is the eldest in the family. In legal parlance, he was the Karta in the joint family and a partner in the erstwhile Partnership Firm which was run on the whims and fancies of my uncle.

My father had no standing of his own. He was not looked upto with respect and was always ignored by the members of the family.

My parents, even though being the eldest were made to lead their life at the mercy of my uncle and his dictates.

But who knew that future had something else in store.

Who knew that a person will be born in the same family to fight the injustice meted out by my uncle?

It was me.

Incidentally, both I and my uncle are Arians. I was born on 3rd April 1984 while he was born on 6th April. Let me introduce myself to you. I am Krishna, a person who was born with no line of luck in her palms but was destined to create one, if not many.

Every person has its own perspective of life. I claim to maintain none as I was too busy sorting out the knots of problems in my life. 

The knowledge gained by me was more from experiences than by mere learning from school and college. I was privileged to have overall access to a gamut of varied experiences which had a price tag attached to it.

The price to be paid was “pain”. 

But education was tough for me. Not in terms of learning.

I was a bright student in my school and college days as I took keen interest in sports and studies alike.

I liked all subjects of study starting from subjects of humanities, science and commerce to that of vocational ones like law…

LAW, this was one subject which prepared me for my future battle. Education was tough for me as I never had enough money for pursuing it and my family found it very hard to support my education now and then.

We all had no other option than to leave everything to almighty and have faith on him.

FAITH was again a question answered by the almighty at every stage of my life including this one.

I passed my school education in very tough times when the dispute had just started and the first change in our life was paving way for our future.

The first fight leading to first change in our life was ending of the partnership between my uncles and my father in 2001. It apparently seemed to be an unpleasant change but was meant to be for our own good.

It pains me to relate such incidents where a soul is compelled by circumstances to cry for justice, liberation, peace and ……..in all, right to life.

Rome was never built in a day is the most famous saying....here too a series of events ignited the first change.

My parents were victims of those events. To begin with, my mother was the primary target of my grandmother’s wrath. 

She was looked upon with respect from outsiders while inside the family she was taken for granted as it is said – Ghar ki murgi daal barbar…..

Dal, I remember was everyone’s favourite in the family.

My mother cooked food so well that my aunts who used to treat her with disrespect also loved her cooked meals. That was the irony…all used her…emotionally, physically, mentally and in all respects. What can you expect from the outside world when your own family exploits you in such a fashion?

Sometimes, it seemed as if she was used to the exploitation and never wanted to come out of it. She started loving it so much so that it seemed she was accustomed to it and never wanted a change. But the exploitation took a nasty shape soon to come.

There is a limit to everything…except sky! Here too there was a limit. The minor events of exploitation paved way to some bigger ones leading to the massive change.

In the initial days of my mom’s suffering in the family, she did not get any support, not even from my father.

My father, in fact, acted as a catalyst to her problems for he was stung by his love for his family, did not support her but only aggravated her distress.

I wonder how she could manage all the exploitation in the family and the resultant frustration. She is one iron lady for me.

The answer can be however related to my childhood.

My mother used to vent out all her sadness and anger on me.

It was me who was the victim of her anger which ruined my emotional and mental frame of mind and was enough to create a rift between me and her.

My uncle fabricated the accounts of the firm and cheated his own brothers so as to see them at his mercy throughout their life. 

Our opposition could at no cost be tolerated by him and hence the big change.

My father had no say in the affairs of the business. He was never allowed  to  interfere. 

I still remember how my father narrated to me, with tears in his eyes, the manipulations of his dear brother.

My father loved his family the most, particularly his brother whose conscience didn’t even shake a bit before harassing him to the utmost level of inhumanity.

He was thus cheated by the person whom he loved the most and at such time, was supported by the one whom he never supported during her odd times in life, my mother.

This is the irony that I wonder often.

I have been a forced witness to the happenings.

Since my parents were looked down by everyone in my family due to the dictates of my uncle, I was also treated very badly by my relatives and cousins to the extent that they used to make mockery of me now and then.

Simple living and high thinking gradually became a part of our life.

Money could buy anything but not the togetherness of family, happiness and the teachings of our parents. They are priceless.

Apparently, the shortage of money and the resultant showdown arising out of the shortage seemed frustrating to us but in the long run made us realise many things.

We realised that the world is a temporary union of have and have not’s and the man made differences cannot be removed overnight.

These differences are harsh lessons which have to be lived with and cannot be ignored.

Greed of money or ego or vanity of my uncle…whatever is the reason, affected our life in one way or the other.

However, none of us, neither my siblings nor my parents ever crossed the line of goodness to earn money for the living under such unimaginably difficult situation of survival.

It seemed as if everyone around were given the rights by my uncle to ill treat us to the extent possible.

Slowly all this became part of my personality and I turned inward. My self confidence dipped as and when I was discouraged and bullied by all of them.

However, I acted as a shield for my family.

I have not seen one day when my mother didn’t shed her tears. I couldn’t do much but remain a mute spectator. I have grown like this. To add to it, all of us have cried.

Small quarrels were something we had become used to and hence we started leading our lives as underdogs and without any self respect of our own. No change was needed. We had accepted the reality.

My father could never fight for us and hence we had no choice but to be slaves to my uncle.

My uncle laid a conspiracy against my father and my youngest uncle. He created a situation whereby his brothers would be exploited by him.

On the day of separation from the partnership firm, my father was asked to sign a mere piece of paper but it had the effect of tearing my father’s heart into pieces.

With a stroke of signature on the piece of paper, my father’s dream was snatched away from him ruthlessly.

I clearly remember my parents weeping bitterly on the treatment meted on to them during such separation. I was small enough to understand anything but could figure out that something was going wrong. It was an unfair affair.

My parents were very naive. It was when I became a lawyer that I figured out the injustice meted out to my father and fought against it.

My father was a helpless figure and couldn’t do much except taking a share what was given to him by the partners. The share was though, kept with the firm and in particular, with my uncle as a loan while we were enjoying the interest receivable out of the share.

I completed my school and college education partly on the basis of the interest we received from the share and partly from the loan taken from banks.

My education was thus very expensive and truly, hard earned.

We separated from the joint family after the birth of my brother in 2000 and were partially independent to lead our lives.

It is though a very disgusting feeling to state that my family was thriving on the money received by us in the form of interest on loan kept with my uncle. 

To add more spice to it, every month we had to literally beg and call up my uncle several times before he send us the money, our money to us. That money was definitely never sufficient for the whole family.

There were many mouths to feed but no hands to work.

My parents were handicapped as if their limbs were chopped off after they were thrown out of the firm.

This was the time when I was preparing for my board exams.

This was the most crucial period for me as I was preparing the edifice on which the building of my future will be made. 

And as anticipated, my results were average.

I had to work hard and had to put in all my effort and energies in those turmoil times to get a good score.

My mother wanted me to fetch very good marks so as to be able to choose science as my subject in Class XI while my father wanted me to take up commerce.

Interestingly, commerce can be linked to our inherited interest. 

I, on the contrary, had something else in mind.

I wanted to become a lawyer and hence had the intention of taking humanities as my subject in Class XI.

I have been known since my childhood as a child who always pursued a different path which my parents couldn’t even dare to think. I was courageous and willing to take risks. 

This was something which was always looked upon with surprise by my family. 

I fared well in my exams so much so that I could easily take up subject of my choice, Humanities.

What is it that makes a person choose a path in life? Is it the wish of the person or at times, the choice is made by destiny?

Faith answered it all…

My circumstances prevalent during those times propelled me to become a lawyer in order to be able to bring justice to my family.

I literally fell in love with LAW.

I used to cry every night in my prayer to the almighty and pray that I achieve my aim.

Law was the only savior and hope for us. We realised it very late.

I was destined to be a lawyer. But the process has been very difficult.

To start with, I had to encounter my first opposition from my parents. They never wanted me to pursue law as a career option.

Eventually with my grit and determination as well as my love for LAW, I managed to garner support of my father and later, my mother. They were more apprehensive and scared of the future related to my decision to choose LAW. Anybody who would be in their place would be so.

My parents received less or practically no education and their apprehensions and fear were completely justified.

They used to say: “We could never study so much and no one in our extended family received so much education then how you can pursue LAW?”

But I did it.

I did it because I wanted to get rid of the pain attached to my past events gifted by my uncle.

To become a lawyer was not a challenge for me but a need of the hour…..

My parents initially allowed me to sit for only one exam.

I could definitely not clear that exam as I could not prepare for it.

However, I didn’t stop at that.

I managed to persuade my father to give me permission to sit for other exams.

My father though was very supportive and made me join a coaching Institute at a very distant place. He used to be my mentor at home.

We, as stated earlier, had been living life with bare minimum and hence we could not afford college fees.

My parents had many apprehensions about me undergoing legal education.

All of which to start with had something to do with fees. The rest of the apprehensions were regarding my living alone in a distant place and staying away from the family.

It was for the first time that I was going away from my family. It was even more difficult for me to leave my family as I would be left all alone in a distant city whereas my family had the togetherness of each other.

I knew I had to be really tough and keep going in any case.

It was that day and it is now when the seeds sown in my past bore the fruits today.

I passed law with flying colors.

That flight took five years to complete though.....