Development of a Healing Heart

I don’t want to feel this way. 

I don’t want to feel this way.

I don’t want to feel this way, but I can’t help it. 

I love him.

I love everything about him. 

I love his smile, his eyes, his personality, his devotion to God, the way he treats me, the way he always looks at me, the way he makes me smile.

His name is Isaiah, and I love his soul.

I’m in love with him, but I’m scared. 

I’m not used to this feeling.

I’ve never felt like this before. 

For most of my life, I’ve been broken so many times by pain that I never deserved to have. 

Growing up, I learned what pain was before I knew what love was. 

Isaiah is the first man who has taken my heart and taken care of it. 

He is the first man to help me see that true love does exist. 

He’s the first man whom I’ve loved and who loves me back. 

I’ve fallen in love with a man who reminds me that I’m beautiful, that God put me on this earth for a reason and I should use the gifts God gave me to fulfill the purpose he has for me. 

Isaiah also reminds me that I’m not ugly, I’m beautiful. 

I’m not useless, I’m talented. 

I’m not weak, I’m strong. 

I’m not crazy, I’m a survivor. 

I’m loved. 

Isaiah reminds me that he’s not in lust with me, he’s in love with me. 

Yes, I am in love with him, and he’s in love with me. 

We love everything about each other. 

Our smiles, our personalities, our devotion to God, the way we treat each other, the way we make each other smile. 

He loves my soul, I love his soul. 

He’s in love with me, and I’m in love with him. 

Yes, I’m in love with him, and I’m not scared anymore. 

The reason why I know I won’t get broken again is because Isaiah is different than my exes. All of my exes stole my heart and broke it, while Isaiah gently held it and has been taking care of it. My exes abused me, while Isaiah has been helping me heal. My exes didn’t love me, they just loved what they were doing to me. They loved abusing me mentally, verbally, physically, and emotionally.

They loved to watch me crumble into a ball on the floor crying, because of all the scarring they’ve done to my mind and my body. The scarring they’ve done to my mind and my body.

The scarring they’ve done to my mind and my body.

I guess that when I was with them, I was so used to the scars, because pain is not anything new to me.

For most of my life, I’ve been hurt so many times that I’m afraid to count how many times I’ve been hurt because the number would be really high. 

It started off when I saw my father hitting my mother when I was five years old, and ever since then I did not believe that love was real. 

I was so confused that I started to see love as something fake and thought that hate was what I’m supposed to receive.

Ever since then, more pain and hate just became added to my abused mentality. 

What happens when you mix a broken girl with more pain? 

She’ll believe that all she was born to do was to become broken, because my wounds never healed, they just dug deeper. 

So I guess that’s why I was so used to the pain that my exes gave me. 

I was so used to accepting roses with thorns that I didn’t believe I deserved to blossom.

I was so used to pain that it started to suffocate me, meaning I was inhaling more pain, but I couldn’t let it go. It’s hard to breathe when pain is suffocating me.

Like I said, growing up, I learned what pain was before I knew what love was.

Isaiah showed me that I wasn’t born to be broken. He helped me to see that God loves me and that I won’t be broken forever. It’s taking a long time to heal from my wounds, but then again, healing is never easy. Just because I’m able to heal, that doesn’t mean I’ll heal quickly. Isaiah loves me so much that he waited for me. He waited for me to heal and to love myself before I could be able to love him. 

Now, I’m still healing, and I love him. Oh, I love him. I love him. I love him. I’m in love with Isaiah, and he’s in love with me. I remember when I first knew that I was in love with him. At the time, we had just become friends, and I had a mental breakdown in front of him, and I was scared because he had never seen that side of me before. 

But instead of watching me having a breakdown, he hugged me. He comforted me. Isaiah held me and kissed my left cheek and he said, “It’s ok not to be ok. You are beautiful, kind, sweet, intelligent, poetic, and worth so much more. Most importantly, you are a strong woman, and I know you will get through this because God’s got you. I promise I’ll be by your side every step of the way”. 

Ever since then, I knew that I wanted Isaiah to be a part of my life and he wanted me to be a part of his. We have been dating for almost a year now, and every time I’m with him, I fall in love with him all over again.

 Isaiah also reminds me of one of my favorite bibles verses. It says, “Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation”. That bible verse is from Isaiah 12:2. So, I guess God put Isaiah in my life for a reason, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with him.

He loves my soul. I love his soul.

Yes, I’m in love with Isaiah, and I’m unapologetically proud of falling in love with him.

Isaiah is in love with me, and I’m in love with him. 

Yes, I’m in love with him. I’m not scared, I’m happy.