Confusion

I sat on a park bench looking at the two different acceptance letters. One was to study medicine at the top university in the country and the other was for art college. I could feel my heartbeat as I let out a shaky sigh and looked to the sky. What should I do now? What path should I choose? Please give me a sign.

I remember I was around five or six years old when my mother asked me ‘So, what do you want to be when you grow up?’

I was busy coloring, so I simply replied, ‘I don’t know.’ I had never thought about it.

‘Well, how about becoming a doctor? They are very smart and help a lot of people who are sick. Do you remember they doctor who helped you when you had that very high fever last year?’

I did remember that painful experience, but I admitted ‘Yes that doctor was really nice.’

Throughout the years my mother never failed to highlight the benefits of becoming a doctor and I was convinced it was the path for me. I worked extremely hard to get good grades and volunteer and my parents worked extremely hard to support me and give me every opportunity that was available to get me to this point and yet I also had a deep desire to dedicate my life to art and to succeed in that field.

As I stared at the sky asking for a sign, I started to notice the shapes of the clouds. One in particular looked like a scalpel but as I kept staring it looked more like a paint brush. Ugh, clouds change shape so easily. I started to look around me instead. There were kids playing, people on picnics and then I see an old woman being pushed in a wheelchair in front of me. She reminded me of my own grandmother who was an artist. She made wonderful paintings and was the one who got me more interested in art in the first place. We visited her every summer, and we would spend ages painting together outdoors. They were my best memories of her. She died early due to an illness she was born with. Our family was poor back then and we could not afford to pay for her treatment for long, they spent most of the money they had on my education already. The reason I applied to art school without my parents knowing was because of the last words she said to me.

‘My dear, I think you can become a great artist. I can see they joy in your eyes as you stand and paint for hours at a time. No matter what you chose to do I hope you never lose that passion and joy in your life.’

But I thought if I were I doctor I could have helped her stay alive longer. If I do that, I can take care for my family better and pay them back for all that they have done for me.

I get up and go for a walk to clear my head and help me think better. Once I reached the opposite corner of the park, I saw a temporary tent that had a sign that read ‘Wanda’s crystal ball fortunes and miracles.’ I would normally walk past such places without a second glance but today I thought ‘why not’ and went inside.

‘Welcome! How may I be of service today in your quest for answers?’ said a confident lady in a costume behind a crystal ball.

I awkwardly sat down and explain my situation to her and ask for a reading.

She nods, turns the light on in her crystal ball and waves her hand around it while chanting something. I didn’t have high expectations but was curious to see what she said. She takes a breath, rests her hand facing upwards on the table and says:

‘Spirit tells me you are being influenced in your decisions about your future by people and events of the past and that you continue to seek outside help when what you need is within.’

‘Huh? What does that...’

‘That will be $20 please.’

‘Wait but you didn’t really explain what you mean.’

‘Well, I just passed on the message I heard for you. Your interpretation is what matters because it’s your life.’

Disappointed, I pass her the money and leave. I knew it would be a waste of time! What a rip-off! Why did I even get my hopes up for the possibility of a sign?

As I continued my walk around the park, I thought about what she said, and it occurred to me that the two paths that I had to choose from for my future were initially the dreams of my family. My mother always wanted to be a doctor but couldn’t because her family could not afford it and she didn’t have good enough grades. My grandmother wanted to an artist professionally but got married early and didn’t have enough time or means to do it. I wondered which was my original dream or if they were my dreams at all.

Searching for signs has left me more confused than ever and I wanted a definite answer. I wanted to be totally devoted to what I did. I didn’t want to have any regrets. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone or let them down either. As I kept thinking about what decision would be best and what options I had available, I saw that I was nearing the end of the trail and coming back to where I started. Desperate, I decided to look for a sign one last time. I took a coin out of my pocket and gave it a toss. If its heads I’ll study medicine, if it’s tails, I’ll pursue a career in arts. The coin flew high, and I was once again looking up at that cloud filled blue sky for a sign. Gravity pulls the coin back but when I try to catch it, I stumble. The coin bounced off my hand, rolled on its edge on the ground before falling off the side of the path into the sewer.

The probability of getting any side is 50-50 but I wondered what the probability of the coin disappearing was. What does this sign mean? I sighed I was back to square one. No, it felt like I took a step back to square zero. But somehow it felt like zero was a good place to start. I smiled as I left the park because I had finally decided what to do.

I talked to my parents about how I felt honestly, which was confused. They were a bit concerned but supportive as I told them I was going to defer going to university for one year. I’m going to use the money I saved up to travel solo for one year to figure out what I truly what to invest my life in, if its art, medicine or something else entirely. This time I’ll try looking for the signs inside my heart. I guess the fortune telling lady was right after all.