Ice

Winter came, all cold and gloom. Everyone was happy, everything was okay, is it? .Lying beside me was a lovely bird but flawed. Just like a lamp running out of gas. It was dying inside. I want to heal its wound but don't know how for it is not curable with medicine nor a veterinarian. I sighed with dismay. As i looked at the window, i remembered the bird that died 3 years ago. I gave it warmth and love than no other owners can do to a pet. I cherished it so much that I wanted it to he my side every time of the day. It was the night before Christmas, we were enjoying the presence of it. After a long cuddle, i bid goodnight then gave a sincere kiss. It was early in the morning and i woke up with the cold breeze of air. I went to my pet to say good morning and greet it with a merry Christmas. From that day, my heart was frozen to death. As i looked at it, i felt numb. Numb that i could feel pain any emotions. It was dead and cold. I asked myself so many questions blaming myself for that incident. Am i not enough? Am i that bad? Did i made him do it? How can i not notice?. The bird was my best friend and my lover. Yes, it was him. A victim of depression. I didn't even notice it and that was the problem. My heart died with him for as far as i can remember, we exchanged hearts. Now, all i have was a frozen and lifeless heart. It made me fell into a deep pit of darkness where i suffered with the sound of silence. I wanted to escape but it seems like infinite. I thought of killing myself so many times. I took medicines but the wound of the heart is not curable. I have hurt to the person around my circle. I was alone. I wanted help but i just couldn't. Every night was a sleepless night. I can't help but to remember that night, that chaotic night. I have suffered from night mares, judgements and stuffs. I didn't dare to get out of my room and can't eat regularly.One time, i got called at the guidance office of my University for my continuous absences and made me a suspect of drug addictions. I thought life was just sufferings.I thought of everyday, is this what he had suffered?, how he handled it without even showing me, how long did he suffer. I have no hope of living but i remembered God. Out of nowhere, i went to church. It made me feel weak and cried. I cried at the bottom of my heart. I told Him every problem and begged him to help me even if it cost everything. One day, he anwered my prayers without noticing it.He helped me to get out of that pit but my turn was to make my heart feel again. I looked at the bird beside me, thinking how could i help it. He wants happiness but how can i give what i didn't have? I cannot give warmth for all i have was a cold block of ice. I might not be giving him what he wants but i was secretly praying for him. Looking at it made me recall my sufferings. The sorrow inside that kills me in the most painful way. But this bird was different. He asked for help and takes a lot of courage to make him do it. Is he experiencing the moment that i have felt before?. No, I can't compare it to something. It was the moment when you choose to stay and endure it or exceed the level of your sanity. I never wished to be in that cold and empty place. To hear that unbearable sound. To be in that kind of abstraction. To lose everyone and be violent. But one thing i was assured of. It is that I can't keep this bird not because he is flawed but because i was not qualified to keep it. I am afraid that this frozen heart could hurt him even if he gets out of that darkness. A bird belongs to the sky where it can spread his wings and go with the air. When a time comes that he's ready, i will set it free for i know that he will soar up high. Thinking of it makes me happy for i have accepted the fact that everything is temporary. Even if it hurts, you must be happy. For him, I like you and i always will. I am always here for you and i am proud of you. You were brave and i know you can do everything you wanted to. There's a great and bigger future waiting for you . I will be happy for you and support you no matter what. I believe in you.I was setting you free for i cannot help you anymore. I cannot give any further. For a bird must not carry anyone. You must be free. Free from anything. 

On your journey, you must not forget Him, the Creator of all. He is mighty and powerful yet He is open to all broken hearts. Ask Him and He shall answer in the right time. He has plans greater than yours and dreams bigger than yours. Just wait for it, endure every pain and sadness. Be still and have faith. For life is not about suffering, it is a gift. A priceless gift. Cherish it for you can only avail once. Look at the positivity because it is an adventure. Don't let you book be unfinished. Reach the climax and finish it. You were the author but God is the guidance of it and gave you a wonderful theme. Trust God. Believe in yourself. For He does not call the qualified, He qualifies whoever answers his call.

Pray, believe, Be still. You will get there.