Snowdrops

Is this the place?

Yes.

This is it.

This is definitely it.

I need this to be it.

It has to be it.

I remember it now.

I’ve not been here since I was a little girl.

Not been here since.

Since…

The accident.

I still struggle to say it, even after all this time.

God I miss you so much.

5 years ago today.

March 1st.

I miss you Dad, I miss you so, so much.

It’s just not getting any easier.

Everyone said it would get easier.

Its not.

We never said goodbye.

This is where you used to bring me.

I never forgot.

I will never forget.

Every spring we would come to these woods, to this spot, to look at the snowdrops.

I would wear my pink wellies.

they had butterflies on them.

I love butterflies.

You would say that you’d planted them all for me.

Hundreds of them.

Thousands of them.

Millions of them.

I was so excited to see them I would run ahead of you.

sometimes I ran so far ahead I couldn't see you.

I used to feel scared if I couldn't see you.

I've felt scared since you've been gone.

I feel scared all the time.

You would chase after me.

When you caught me you would scoop me up and cuddle me.

I would be laughing so much.

We would be laughing so much.

We used to laugh so much....

I don’t laugh anymore.

I used to love this place, these woods. It was my favorite place in

the whole world.

You would say that when I was a little girl my hair was so blonde you would call me your snowdrop.

Me Dad, Me.

Your snowdrop.

After you died I couldn't come here anymore.

Feel like I’ve been crying for ever and ever.

Think I’ve all but run out of tears.

Bet my face is all blotchy and red.

My fat, ugly face.

My stupid, fat, ugly face.

Their laughing at me, everyone’s laughing at me cos I’m fat and ugly and stupid.

So stupid.

Hate being 14.

Hate being me.

Need to get there.

Its getting cold.

I’ll show them.

They think I can't do anything right.

I'll do this right.

I've got to do this right.

Needs to be the right place.

Not going to mess this up.

Adrian said I can do this.

She said I should do this.

Said it’ll be easy, cos I’m clever.

I’m not clever.

I'm stupid and ugly and fat.

She said I can become an angel.

One of her angels.

One of her special angels.

I want to become an angel.

She’s my friend, I can trust Adrian.

Adrian loves me. It says on her site we can be angels together.

No one understands us.

We can be together if we do as she says.

We can be angels.

We can be free.

I love her and she loves me.

We are BFF.

She loves all her angels.

But I’m her favourite.

She said so.

I know I’m different.

Odd.

Fat.

Ugly.

Stupid.

Adrian says when I become an angel I’ll be beautiful.

All her angels are beautiful.

She says I’ll be the most beautiful one ever.

She says my friends, the people who don’t understand us will be sorry. She said we can make them pay. Make them sorry.

I want to make them pay.

I want to make hem sorry.

But they won’t be able to make me pay, not now. Not after today.

I’m close now, I can smell the snowdrops.

Feels smaller here somehow.

I’ve tried Dad, I really have.

I promise.

I just can’t get anything right anymore.

I’m useless and fat and ugly………At least in this world.

When I become an angel I’ll be amazing and pretty and funny and clever.

Adrian said so.

Dad I’ll be really funny like you were.

Oh my God there they are.

Hundreds of them.

Thousands of them.

Millions of them.

There's millions of them.

Dad, you planted them for me again.

Adrian said that I can be with you again when I’m an angel.

Dad we can be together again.

Forever.

Then you can meet Adrian.

She said she’s ready to come too, she’s going to come with me, she’s going to do it today as well.

I’ll finally get to meet her.

She said she can't wait either.

She loves me Dad.

You’ll love her Dad. She’s amazing and pretty.

I wish I was pretty.

I’ll be pretty soon.

This feels right, this is the spot.

This will be the spot.

Good job I practiced on my leg just as Adrian told me too.

No one knew except me and Adrian.

She told me to do it high on my thigh so that my PE shorts would cover them.

I did as she said.

She’s really proud of me.

She said I’m the best.

She said I’m her favorite.

Ha! I’ve been laughing at them, no one could see the cuts. I kept them hidden under my trousers.

It’s been our secret, mine and Adrian’s secret, we’ve been laughing at them.

I’ve had the cuts for months, they don’t hurt anymore.

I was going to show someone at school. Just to shock them, but they would just have laughed at me.

Adrian told me not to show anyone or tell anyone.

She said it would be our secret.

She said they wouldn't understand us.

she said no one understands us.

Adrian told me it puts me in control.

I’m in control.

I’m in control.

I’m in control.

I feel in control….finally.

I love her so much.

She’s told me it’s easy, I just do the same but press a little harder.

She said I can do this.

She said I'm in control.

She said all her angels have to do this.

And this time I don’t have to hide the cuts.

In fact she wants me to cut my wrists so everyone will see.

That will make them sorry, Adrian said so.

I hope they are sorry…..I want them to be sorry.

I’m not going to use the blanket….I want to lay in the snowdrops.

I want them all around me.

Like when I was little.

There so pretty, so pretty.

I want to be pretty….

I’m going to be pretty…..

Not going to listen to my IPod, I planned to listen to my favourite song but I want to hear the woods now…like when I was little.

I used to hear the woods when I was little.

I used to be happy when I was little.

I used to love this place.

I’m ready…

Adrian I’m ready…..

Dad I’m ready……

That stings...

Adrian said it would sting....a little.

Adrian said it wouldn’t hurt for long.

Adrian said if it hurts I’m just to think of angels.

I love angels…..so pretty.

I’m going to be pretty and amazing and funny and clever…..

Funny……like you Dad…..Like you.

Feel cold…….

Adrian said I would feel cold……

Feel sleepy…….

Its ok, Adrian said I would feel sleepy…….

I love her……..

She loves me……

She said so…..

She’s so pretty…..

And clever…..

Sleep now……..

I’m going to be so pretty……

And clever…..

And funny…..

Going to sleep now…….

 Snow drops are so white….. They're my favorite…..

Everything’s white……

So pretty......

Sleep…….

Now….

Dad………. is that you?........

I love you Dad……..