Therapy Session

So, how are we doing this week?

Fine, the horrors persist, but so do I.

OK, I see it will be one of those sessions. On a scale of 1 to not caring if our foot hangs out from under the blanket when we’re sleeping where a monster can get it, how depressed are we feeling?

Hmm, two feet fully out and the monster can feast in peace.

Oh dear … that doesn’t sound good. So, what are we doing to combat the feeling of willingly allowing open season on our feet?

Besides our session today? Well, I have been exploring other therapy modalities as coping mechanisms.

Fantastic! Way to be proactive! Now tell me what you are trialing. And do you think they are working?

They work in the moment, but then I just go back to feeling just as depressed as before but with new things to be depressed about.

New things? And in the moment? What exactly are you trying out? 

Well, I tried meditating, but then I could hear my neighbor yapping away which completely destroyed my peace. Which then led me to scream at them to shut the hell up or I will make them shut up. Apparently, my neighbor took that as a threat and called the cops. So, I now have to appear in court next week. That was a bad omen for what would unfold for the rest of the week now I think about it.

I then decided to journal about my feelings. That went well until I shared my writings with my boss. Since they were about him and he is always telling us he wants to hear from us, I thought he would enjoy reading them. Apparently, when he said he wanted to hear from us he meant things like we completed our reports early or that we loved working over with no compensation. I suppose in hindsight, sharing with my boss my thoughts that included how he was an incompetent, pompous asshole and a monkey could do a better job than him, wasn’t the best idea. The good news is, I don’t need to worry about my court appearance interfering with work since I was fired.

Please tell me you didn’t try any other modalities?

Sorry, but I was very productive and, as you said, proactive this week in learning how to express myself.

Next, I decided to use exercise as my outlet. At first, it was great. It allowed me to funnel all of my energy and frustrations into a physical activity. Then, some issues cropped up.

Issues cropped up??? You are joking, right? This is just some weird joke you are playing on me today? You were making so much progress and it has only been a week since I last saw you. How could you have self-destructed so much in a week’s time?

Well, when I put my mind to something, I am like the Energizer bunny. I just keep going and going and going. It is one of my best qualities, and most destructive. How do you not know this about me by now?

Back to my story, turns out the endorphins I got from exercising were very addictive. I was chasing that high so much that I injured myself. I knew I was injured, but I thought I could push through the pain. Did you know that if you keep running on a broken leg it gets worse, not better?  Kind of like if you get a flat tire and keep driving. You are just making matters worse. Anyway, I am now in this cast after having surgery to try to repair my leg. The doctor said there was so much damage and so many bone fragments and chips, that he basically just spackled the general region of where my tibia bone should be and jammed all of the fragments into the spackle like he was creating one of those mosaic steppingstones. So, it looks like I lost a couple of inches from that leg. Do you want to sign my cast?

Sign your cast??? You just told me you had utter disregard for your health and your wellbeing that you knowingly injured yourself. And you now have a leg several inches shorter than the other one …. assuming that leg even heals correctly!

Yeah, but the damage is done, so…. sign my cast???

Fine, I will sign your cast. Do you have a marker?

Yep, here you go. ………. What are you writing?

I wrote, You are not invincible, how stupid are you? – Doc

That’s fair. And I appreciate you being so real and honest with me. It has really helped me to trust you and open up to you. Do you want to hear what I tried next?

There is more?!? Lord, give me strength!

Since I don’t have a job and limited mobility, I decided to explore gentler avenues that were more of the creative variety. 

Oh, thank goodness! Something gentler. What did you try? Puzzles perhaps? 

No, to puzzles, but that probably would have been a safer choice. No, instead I thought a cooking class would be good and there was one happening that very night I got out of the hospital. It was fun. They gave us wine, and everyone was chatting. It was enjoyable until the wine mixed with the painkillers I was on and hit me right as we got into the knife skills lesson. Turns out I am not that well-coordinated and even less so when impaired. Sliced the tip of my finger off. I will be fine but had to go to the emergency room to get stitched up. I guess I ruined things for the whole class too. Something about seeing blood sprayed all over their food really disagreed with them. It wasn’t their blood! And it was an accident! No reason to ban me for life.

Hold on, that story I saw on the nightly news about the first-aid class that had hands-on experience in a cooking class was about you? They said they thought a case of red wine had spilled. That’s how much blood was pooling! How did you not need a transfusion?

Oh, it only looked like a lot. Once I got stitched up and diluted the alcohol in my blood, I was good to go.

Please, for all that is holy, tell me you didn’t try anything else?!?

I didn’t try any more creative endeavors, but I did try one more thing.

Before you tell me some horror story, was this one helpful and/or had a positive outcome?

Oh yes! It was very therapeutic! I should have just started with this one to be honest. Would have saved me so much trouble.

And what was this miracle therapy you tried?

Retail therapy! I went online and shopped and shopped. I added so much to my cart but then would just close the browser. But then I would go back to see which sites kept my basket. The ones that kept it ready for me I decided to purchase. You know, to thank them for their courteousness. Then the dopamine hit I got when the packages arrived! WOW! It was like Christmas morning. I would wait by the door all day waiting for my packages to be delivered.

May I ask you a question?

Sure Doc, ask away!

How did you pay for everything? You just told me how you lost your job, facing court fees, and hospital bills. Where did the money come from?

Don’t worry.

And yet, I’m very worried. How did you pay for the items?

I used my credit card … and then when that was maxed out, I used another one … and another one. 

You maxed out 3 credit cards?

Well, 5 but who’s counting? On an unrelated note, if anyone asks if you have seen me, you have not. And my future sessions will be under a different name. After speaking with you today I have decided I need to reinvent myself, which includes changing every aspect of my identity. 

So …. same time next week Doc?