Fear Grips The Heart

Fear is a compelling response to physical and emotional danger; it has strong roots in human adaptation in living life. If people didn’t feel fear, they couldn’t protect themselves from legitimate threats; but what about the fear that seems for some, to be unfounded?  

Let’ s talk about the baseless fear we see, but don’t address; like the elephant in the room, we feel awkward, it’s there, we all see him, but no one knows what to do or say, it’s too big, I don't know how to get it to move. Because we are so sure the situation is absolutely ridiculous, no one refuses to discuss it! This issue we are going to address is founded in the need to hang on to stuff. Why is it so many people think this is an unfounded fear?  Maybe they do not see it as a fear, but rather they simply have never thought about why someone would hang on to all that stuff.

For many who do not understand the hoarders fear of letting go, the need to hang on to things, it does seem unfounded. But, has anyone ever asked the hard questions, those tough ones; those questions that seem like judgement when asked? Perhaps we don’t ask, because we don’t know how to ask without an accusatory tone in the inquiry?  Perhaps it’s easier to simply love the person and not concern ourselves with the way he or she lives.

The fear of letting go is real. Letting go of things, stuff collected; those items that to some seem crazy- and maybe it is, who really knows, but let’s talk about it. I have watched the show hoarders and thought about the featured collector, I am amazed at the stuff they hold on to; I find myself thinking what the… and yet, I find myself like so many others involved with the clean up, who try to come in and take over, bully there way into the life of the hoarder.  They never seem to listen to the hoarder; you can see it in their face, the judgement is real. And the hoarder feels it! Convicted! YOU ARE A HOARDER! Shame is experienced; they are embarrassed, they never wanted to live like this, and yet here they are, not knowing why they live like this, and yet, in the forefront of their mind they know that everything has a purpose.  They begin spiraling out of control, they come to be the victim whose life is spinning out of control-they are like a caterpillar in a cocoon. They begin avoiding eye contact with anyone willing to help, instead, they begin raising a wall a fortress that is not penetrable; they often become angry and self defensive, grabbing everything in their site, trying hard to hide it from those who seek to take what they deem useful. Defensive against every attack that comes their way, real or imagined; they run and hide, scream out in pain, leave them the hell alone! Relationships are strained and like a defeated foe-discouraged with despair-not knowing what else to do, they leave.

I’ve thought about this for a while, and wondered if someone really wanted to help, how could they? Would they be willing to reach out to offer a hand, or would the friend be full of advise and lack the understanding of a listening ear?  It seems that all too often when we come in to offer help-we have our own agenda, as meaningful as it is, we’re not really going along side another, we’re trying to take over and show them how it’s done; often regrettably offending the hurting hoarder even more. 

Coming along side a friend and offering help is not being the hand of condemnation, the friend must be someone who can be trusted, a person who offers help without coming across as treating the collector with shame, after all the possessions are precious to the collector; otherwise they would be easy to let go of them.  So the friend has to support the hoarder and offer help, in doing so they reach out to ask others how they can help? This does not help, no-one has the answers, perhaps it’s a spiritual condition, maybe it’s emotional, maybe they have abandonment issues. We try to imagine all sorts of excuses, and wonder how do we win? How do we take action and treat the hoarding friend?  

Perhaps spending time with the friend, getting to know about their life, and eventually taking the time to ask questions about the possessions, where did you get this item? Who gave it to you? What made you decide to save it? What was the first thing you ever collected? The helper needs to be sure they are treating the stuff with respect, now I am not talking about the garbage that’s not thrown out; or maybe I am. Perhaps the hoarder, thinks the boxes and papers can be recycled into useful things. That’s another story, what I am talking about are the items people feel the need to hold on to, those things that make life feel cluttered and stuffy to most people- and safety and security to the collector. Things like the 500 nutcrackers, or the 52 sets of linen sheets for a twin bed you no longer own, or more linen napkins than you could use in lifetime. What is it? 

You can’t ask them why. The why is condemning to the hoarder, let them tell you the why.  Let them figure out why they collect, they will when they are comfortable with you and don’t feel threatened.

Why don’t we say anything or offer to help? Are we afraid we will embarrass them? Is it because we’ve already judged and condemned them, and they hear it in our tone, or see it in the nonverbal eye gestures we make? We are often quick to condemn and make jokes about the treasures of others that we call junk, we make fun of them, lighthearted jokes and innuendos we may even call them saying we wish we had the time to help, never really sincere and our actions show it.  Our lives are so busy today, we often can’t take the time to help, or that’s what we tell ourselves. To busy for sure, that is what it is, we’re too hard pressed to take the time to care.  My mother always taught me there is a fine line between sanity and insanity, so let’s be careful here. We do not know what it is that keeps us from going insane, so be aware- maybe it's you, your situation is different from that of another’s; so who are we to judge? What is it that could drive you crazy where you feel out of control?

So how do we help? For some people, conversations need to take place, but, gingerly, be careful how you walk. I was thinking about Jesus, and how he spoke in parables and told stories that were life lessons we learned from, his stories were never accusing to the listeners, they were told to stir the hearts of men and women into action. This type of lesson still rings true today; tell a parable a life lesson, a testimony of someone who realizes they may be a hoarder! Let the listener hear the message and stir the heart to action.  This my dear seems to be the answer, so why not give it a try, perhaps we are still capable of that today?  

“We cannot always do great things. But we can always do small things with great love.” - Saint Mother Theresa

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a little boy gently picking things up and throwing them into the ocean. He approached the boy and asked “ What are you doing?” The boy replied “I’m throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out soon, If I don’t throw them back they’ll die.” “Son” the man said, “ Don’t you know there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds and hundreds of starfish?” “You can’t make a difference!” After listening politely the little boy gently picked up another starfish and tossed into the water. He looked up at the man smiling and said… “ I made a difference for that one”.

This is what we too must do! Take the time to care, to reach out and gently make a difference, one by one, take the time to care. When we show we care we give the hoarding friend a chance to let go of fear, then they’ll be ready to let go of stuff. How do I know so much? Perhaps you could ask, how I learned to let go? I read about hoarding, and realized, it’s gotta go, before I go! I fear the thought of leaving a mess of stuff no one will want, a fear of leaving my kids a mess is worse than the fear of letting go! It's time to let go...