The Monkey's Bite

Gerald looked up as his wife Kristy came into the living room. To his surprise, she was wearing her coat and carrying a small suitcase.

“Where are you going?” he said. “Did we have plans, and I forgot?”

“I am going somewhere,” Kristy said. “I think I want a divorce, and I need a break to think about it.”

“What?” said Gerald, bewildered. “What did I do wrong? We haven’t even had an argument.”

“It might be better if we had. You are such a doormat,” she said with a sigh. “I kept hoping you had a personality, but all you do is agree. I ask what you want for dinner, and you say whatever. I ask what movie you want to watch, and you don’t care. I ask which color we should paint the living room, and you say I can choose.”

“But, but…I really don’t mind,” Gerald said. “I’m glad to do whatever makes you happy. That’s why I let you decide. I was trying to be considerate. You wanted someone who was easy to get along with.”

Kristy rolled her eyes.

“There’s being considerate and then there’s being apathetic and spineless. You don’t speak up for yourself at work either, which is why they walk all over you. I don’t want a yes man. I want a partner I can talk to, someone who can challenge me in a healthy way.”

She ran her hand through her hair and shook her head.

 “I’m sorry. I do love you, but I’m going to stay with my sister tonight. I’ll be back tomorrow.”

The front door slammed behind her. Gerald looked in the mirror and sighed. If he wasn’t the only person in the room, he wouldn’t even have noticed himself. It was much easier to describe what he wasn’t than what he was. He wasn’t handsome and he wasn’t ugly. He wasn’t tall and he wasn’t short. He wasn’t fat and he wasn’t thin. He was average, bland, innocuous. Five minutes after meeting him, most people could not have thought of a single adjective to describe him. Since his personality matched his appearance, this had not bothered Gerald until now. He was content to be the easy-going, amenable, quiet guy in the background who was willing to pick up the slack at work or change his schedule at short notice to accommodate a coworker. A wave of panic washed over him at the thought that Kristy might not come back. He threw on his jacket and went out for a walk.

It was a wet grey day. Gerald shivered as he strode along the path through the park. At least the raindrops disguised the tears on his cheeks. Head down, lost in thought, he suddenly collided with a solid body.

 “Oh, it’s you, Malcolm. I’m sorry. I was miles away,” he said, embarrassed.

Malcolm, a stocky man in his early thirties, stepped back and surveyed Gerald, frowning.

“Who died? You look terrible. Let’s grab a drink.”

Before Gerald could object, Malcolm grabbed his arm and steered him down a different path towards the main street and into a small bar. As he slid into the booth Malcolm indicated, Gerald wondered if this was what Kristy meant when she said he was spineless. Malcolm returned with two brandies.

“Medicinal purposes,” he said. “You look like you need it.”

Gerald, who hardly ever drank, sipped, coughed and launched into a semi-coherent explanation.

“I don’t know what she wants,” he said. “I can’t be someone I’m not. Should I dye my hair? Get a piercing or a tattoo? New clothes?”

Malcolm laughed.

“I might be gay, but I’m not your queer eye for the straight guy. Look at me. I can barely coordinate my own clothes.”

Gerald looked at him and reluctantly smiled. Malcolm was dressed in his usual scruffy plaid shirt and jeans.

“True. You’re not exactly flamboyant. But what should I do?”

Malcolm frowned.

“It’s not your appearance that’s bothering her. It’s your behavior. Why are you so passive? Dr. Malcolm is in.”

“My father was a big, aggressive bully,” Gerald said. “I learned to blend into the scenery so he forgot I was there most of the time. I hate conflict. I just want to get along with people.”

“Having an opinion of your own is not the same as conflict,” Malcolm said. “What kind of movies do you like? What color do you want to paint the living room?”

“I don’t know,” Gerald said. He shrugged. “It’s easier just to agree to whatever people want.”

Malcolm raised his eyebrows.

“No wonder Kristy’s getting frustrated. Go home and make a list of what you really like. Think about who you really are.”

He glanced at his watch.

“Oops, got to run. Call me if I can do anything.”

Gerald finished his drink and left the bar, feeling a little woozy. He turned into the park. A group of teenagers was blocking the path, boisterously joking and shoving each other. Gerald detoured through the shrubbery to avoid them. He suddenly noticed some animal leaping above him. He stared. A dog in the treetops? Something landed on him with a thud, and he yelled as sharp teeth pierced his arm before the creature disappeared. The teenagers came running.

“Are you okay, man? No kidding, but that was a monkey.”

“Dude, your arm’s bleeding. You’d better get to the hospital. My truck’s over there. Come on, guys.”

They hustled Gerald off to a beat-up pickup truck and sped off, rap music blaring. They deposited him at the emergency room entrance and screeched off before he could thank them. Wondering if the day could get any weirder, he tried to explain his predicament to the doctor.

“A what bit you?” said the doctor. “Have you been drinking?”

“I'd only had one drink. I swear it was a monkey,” said Gerald.

The doctor looked up with interest.

“Some monkeys did escape from a research place near here today. It’s not a deep bite so you should be fine. We’ll give you a course of antibiotics just to be on the safe side. Anyone here with you?”

“I’ll call my friend,” Gerald said.

Malcolm showed up soon after, shaking his head and trying not to smile.

“Go ahead and laugh,” said Gerald. “Ridiculous, I know. At least it took my mind off Kristy.”

Once at home, he had just settled down in front of the television when the doorbell rang.

"Kristy, did you forget your keys?" he called, jumping to his feet.

His smile faded as he opened the door to find two women he had never seen before standing there.

“Good evening,” the woman said. “I am Dr. Jones, and this is Dr. McMillan. We are researchers at the Institute. The hospital is required to report all animal bites, so we think you were attacked by one of our escaped monkeys. May we come in for a moment?”

“Sure,” said Gerald, shrugging and pointing to the living room. “Have a seat.”

“Would you be interested in participating in our study?” said Dr. Jones.

She handed Gerald some paperwork.

“Could you please complete this over the next few days and return it to us? We’re interested in any odd or unusual symptoms that you notice.”

“Why?” Gerald said. “I know to call the doctor if the bite gets red or looks infected.”

Dr. McMillan cleared her throat.

“These are genetically altered monkeys. We’re curious as to what the effects from the bite might be if some of their DNA was transferred to you. Obviously, we can’t intentionally let human subjects get bitten.”

Gerald stared.

“So, I’m a guinea pig? Am I likely to grow a tail or get some nasty disease?”

Dr. Jones smiled.

“Nothing like that. We’ve been researching difference in personality traits of siblings raised in the same environment, such as why some grow up timid and some assertive. There’s a consent form you would have to sign if you’re interested in participating. No rush. We can come back tomorrow.”

Gerald stood up and showed them out.

“I’d need to think about it. It’s been a very long day. Good night.”

He shut the door behind them and tossed the folder onto the coffee table. Suddenly exhausted, he headed upstairs and gratefully collapsed into bed.

When he woke the next morning, the previous day’s events seemed like a dream until he remembered Kristy’s absence and the bandage on his arm. Luckily it was his day off. He made himself breakfast and wandered into the living room where Kristy had left a handful of paint cards. Picking them up, he looked around the room and got to work. Kristy, returning a couple of hours later, stopped in her tracks. All the furniture was in the middle of the room covered in dust sheets and Gerald was spreading a drop cloth on the floor.

“There you are,” he said, sweeping her into a bear hug. “I’ve missed you.”

Kristy disentangled herself from his grasp.

“I missed you too. Sorry about yesterday. It’s just that …”

“Never mind that now,” said Gerald. “I’ve been thinking. Why don’t we try this color on this wall, and this color over here? I think it would be a nice contrast.”

Kristy grinned.

“You look like my husband, but who are you really?”

Gerald’s phone rang.

“Hey, bud,” said his co-worker, Dave. “I know it’s last minute, but can you come in and cover for me? I forgot it’s our wedding anniversary. Jenny’s going to kill me if I don’t make plans pronto.”

“I’m sorry, but you should have thought about that earlier,” Gerald said without hesitation. “Got plans of my own.”

“Oh,” said Dave. “No need to be short, man. You’re usually so cool about agreeing to everything that I thought…”

“Not this time,” said Gerald. “See you later.”

He hung up and paused, appalled.

“What came over me?” he said. “Oh, well.”

“Did you just refuse an unreasonable request?” said Kristy. “Wonders will never cease.’

“Before I forget,” Gerald said. “I’ve invited Malcolm over for pizza. He was a huge help yesterday bringing me home from the hospital.”

“Hospital?” said Kristy.

“It’s a long story. Put your bag away while I order the pizza, and I’ll tell you all about it. Malcolm should be here any moment.”

The three of them were sitting in the kitchen eating when the doorbell rang. Kristy looked at Gerald.

“Are you expecting someone?”

“Oh, that’ll be the doctors from the Institute. The ones who lost the monkey.”

Kristy looked at Malcolm. He shrugged.

“Beats me,” he said, as Gerald returned to the kitchen, followed by the two women.

“Sorry to interrupt,” said Dr. Jones. “We came by to pick up the consent form. Do you have any questions?”

“I do,” said Gerald. “Was I bitten by one of the assertive monkeys or one of the timid ones?”

“One of the assertive ones,” said Dr. McMillan. “She’s been a handful from the getgo. That wasn’t the first time she’s escaped.”

“This study would require me to have blood drawn and answer questions every six months for at least five years?”

“That’s correct,” said Dr. Jones.

“I’ve thought about it, and I’ve decided I don’t want to participate,” said Gerald.

Dr Jones leaned forward.

“But I assure you that…”

Gerald shook his head.

“I wish you luck with your research, but you’ll have to find another subject. Have her bite one of you. Let me show you out,” he said, leading them out.

 “He’s suddenly being so decisive,” said Malcolm. “I wonder if that monkey bite inoculated him with some assertiveness.”

“Whatever,” said Kristy. “It's good timing. We have to decide what color to paint the baby's room too."

“What did you say?” said Gerald, as he returned. “Baby? You mean…”

“Yes. I found out for sure yesterday. You’re going to be a dad. I think that’s why I’ve been so emotional lately. You don’t think we have to worry about this monkey stuff, do you?”

“No,” said Gerald, laughing. “Between the two of you, you gave me a big wake up call and I appreciate it. Love you both.”