Anxiety Therapy

October 7th

Ok um, how do I start this? Dear Dia- no that's stupid, I'm 15, not 5 Maybe, Hey guys? No, no. Well never mind, I’m just gonna start writing now. Mr. Miller (my therapist) told me that journaling will help with my anxiety. I don't see how but I have to do this otherwise my mom will get mad and we all know what happens when she is mad. Anyway, what am I thinking? Well, school was hectic, as always. There was a huge food fight in the cafeteria and about 13 detentions were given out. I had to give a presentation in German and I couldn't speak English, I don't expect anything better than a “C” for it. My face was the color of a fire hydrant (don't ask it was the first red thing that came to my mind) I just know it. I have another appointment with my therapist tomorrow and he has to read this so wish me luck.

October 8th

Mr. Miller liked what I wrote and said I did well. I still have my weekly appointments but he doesn’t have to read my entries until next month. Though he likes what I wrote he said that I am not yet comfortable with sharing all my thoughts here. He says I’m going through the “shy” stage. Basically, I am subconsciously shielding my innermost thoughts and feelings because I am not ok, as Mr. Miller would put it. In other words, I’m just hiding my feelings. I think he said I was dissimulating (I googled it and it means: conceal or disguise one's thoughts, feelings, and or character). Therapists and their fancy medical talk, ugh. There was one fun thing that happened at my appointment today though. Mr. Miller said I should make something called a relaxation kit. Basically, I fill a bag or box with things to help relax me. I’m gonna make it tomorrow so I will write about what I put in it tomorrow.

October 9th

You know, this writing thing isn’t as bad as I thought it was gonna be. I made my relaxation kit today and put the stuff in a decorative box I got for my birthday (it has flowers and birds on it). I put an mp3 player in there with all my favorite music on it so I can still listen to music without the distractions of my phone. I also put that cool paper thing that I can fidget with and a mini sketchbook and some pens and pencils. I plan on adding more things anytime I find something I think would help relax me. Mr. Miller told me when I worry about something I should just write them on a slip of paper, say it out loud, and then tear them into as many pieces as I want. To be honest I hope it helps because it sounds like fun. I’ve been invited to the mall tomorrow to go with my friends. I’m excited and want to go I just hope I can.

October 10th 

I’ve been writing for a few days now and it's getting easier. I went to the mall with Ashley, she is one of my closest friends. Her mom drove us there. She dropped us off at the food court and told us to meet her back there in 2 hours. Ashley and I decided it was a good idea to get some food before we walk around and explore. We both got subs from Subway. (Which if you didn’t know, live up to their names, they are god-like) I’m waiting for her to finish. I see people all around, it felt like I was being stared at by Superman and his laser eyes. I told Ashley I would be back when I went to the bathroom. I could feel my heart start racing and I was shaking. I splashed the cold water against my burning skin, it helped me calm down a lot. By the time I got out Ashley was gone, probably looking for those pair of Vans that she wanted. I needed to find her. The feeling was happening again. People were staring. I needed to get back to the bathroom, I needed to feel the cool water. I was getting hot and the room was spinning. I couldn’t find Ashley…

Ashley came back a little bit after I fainted and freaked out. She called her mom and then called 911. Soon after both my mom and 911 showed up. After being examined I was taken home.

October 11th 

I woke up in my bed, at first I didn’t know where I was or why I was there. When I got up my mom was in the kitchen but she scared me when I didn’t realize it was her and I backed into the wall. My mom then explained to me everything that happened and before writing this I went back and added it to yesterday’s entry. I spent most of the day trying to recover from what happened. I stayed in my room and was constantly thinking about tomorrow. My mom must have explained to Ashley what happened and that it was an anxiety attack. Did Ashley tell everyone at school? If she did what will everyone think? What does Ashley think? I tried to go to sleep about an hour ago. My mind is racing and I just want it to stop.

October 12th

As soon as I went into school today I felt like I was constantly being watched. Like holes were being burnt into my skull. When I was at my locker I tried as quickly as possible to put my stuff away to avoid all human interaction, but I wasn’t fast enough. I kept fumbling around with the lock, messing up my combination. Right as I was about to leave my locker Ashley showed up… My face immediately turned red. But to my surprise, Ashley was more supportive than ever. She said it was all in my head and no one was watching me. My secret was safe with her. As I teared up I hugged her as if it was the last time I would ever see her. I am Oakley Burns and this the story of my first ever big anxiety attack.