The balloon

That afternoon, Janet made sure the bathroom door was closed before sitting on the toilet. She was alone at home, but her mother or her sister could come in any second now. They thought she was at the office, but that morning she had to call in sick because of nausea. She opened the packaged she had bought at a drugstore far from home (just in case) and she tried to pee, which took some more time than usual. Finally, after two endless minutes, she looked at the plastic strip again. There it was: two clear blue lines. It was the second time she had taken the test at home. There was no possible mistake this time. She gasped.

There was going to be a baby.

She felt overjoyed. Her chest felt huge and light, like a gas balloon elevating in the blue skies. She treasured the knowledge of what was growing inside her body like a hidden jewel. Of course, she knew she would have to tell Robert at some point, but he had no saying in it. After all, it was her body. It was her choice. She had turned thirty-five last spring, and the clock was ticking. Besides, she was tired of living with her parents and her younger siblings, and this provided her the perfect excuse to go out and live the life she always wanted to live. A baby, someone she could consider her own. Not her doctor, not Robert, not even his wife, would talk her out of it. She would carry on with the pregnancy no matter what, she would keep the child. Not even her parents should know about it before it started to show, and that would take at least some months.

After cleaning up and getting rid of the pregnancy test, Janet turned on the computer and scheduled an appointment with a gynecologist near her workplace. She didn’t want to go to Dr. Carlson this time. After all, he was an old-time family friend, her mother and sister went to see him every once in a while, and she couldn’t trust he would keep the implied confidentiality between a doctor and a patient. And after she got the appointment –which was not before September, three weeks from that day–, she started to search online for facts and statistics about pregnancy. For instance, how could she calculate her due date? Their last time together with Robert had been more than a month ago, that weekend when his wife was away visiting an aunt in Scotland. Since that time, things have gotten colder between them. He kept saying he was busy, and she already had had some suspicions when she missed her period so she couldn’t focus on her relationship. Why would she lie to herself when she was convinced she didn’t love him? They both had felt a clear attraction, and they had surrendered to their impulses, but she knew their affair was not meant to last. Robert said everything was over between him and Robin, but still, Janet was sure they wanted different things from life. She was pretty sure by now everything was almost over between her and Robert, yet she didn’t care. She was going to be a mother. She wasn’t looking for a father figure whatsoever. She was happy with the way things were.

By the time her sister arrived home, Janet was lying on the couch with a glass of ice tea. “Shall I grab you a beer?” Lilly asked, opening the fridge. “No, thanks”, Janet said, and she quickly added, “I drank too much during lunchtime with the gals.” Janet had thought it would be impossible to keep the secret from her family, but soon discovered lying to them was as easy as it was when meeting with Robert. She knew they would never approve of their relationship. And still, someday she would have to explain who the father was. Would they believe her if she said she had recurred to donation? 

“In any case”, she thought, “it was not about whether they’d believe me. It’s whether they will accept my child, and they’ll have to, right? After all, it’s also their flesh and blood”. Besides, her mom had always said how happy being a grandmother would make her.

August went by. She and Robert met once for a quick bite, but she didn’t dare to tell him. Besides, he looked worried, something about things not going right in the business, or so he muttered. “Better talk to him next time”, she said to herself. Their affair already seemed like a bandage she had to pull quickly and painless. She couldn’t think about Robert now. There were more important things happening by then.

On September the 12th, she went to the doctor’s appointment. Dr. Miles was a woman in her fifties, she looked kind and empathic. She asked about previous medical conditions, and couldn’t help but frown when Janet mentioned that one previous miscarriage. It only lasted a second, but Janet saw the look, despite the woman claimed there was nothing to worry about, “especially if it happened in the first trimester”. Janet then showed her the last studies she had brought. “Ok, so the blood tests seem to be good”, said the doctor, now with her most relaxing tone of voice, “we should do the ultrasound now”.

As Janet lay on the examination table, she felt the cold gel on her stomach and chills down her spine. The doctor slowly moved the device on her belly and kept staring at a black and white screen. She looked serious when she finally said “Well, I see a sac here”. Why didn’t she sound pleased? Janet tried to smile, but there was no reason to smile. Silence filled the room. “Shouldn’t we hear a heartbeat?” wondered Janet. “Doctor, why there isn’t any heartbeat?” she finally asked. The doctor turned off the machine and took off her glasses. She wiped them before finally saying, “I’m sorry, Ms. Temple, the sac is empty”. “But, but…” Janet mumbled. Words were pushing from the back of her throat but she couldn’t force herself to articulate them.

There was going to be a baby.

“What does it mean?” she finally managed to say. “It is called blighted ovum or anembryonic pregnancy”, said Dr. Miles. “Did I… did I lose the baby again, doctor?” Janet’s voice trembled. “Well, I know it can be frustrating, Ms. Temple. If it brings you any comfort, let me say it’s not exactly a miscarriage, it’s more like a… like a faux alarm. Your body interpreted this state as pregnancy, but the embryo failed to develop. There was nothing in the sac. No baby at all. Besides, this doesn’t mean you can’t try again, and you don’t need to wait for that much either. Your body will probably eliminate the tissue naturally, but you should come and see me again next month if it doesn’t, I can prescribe you medicines to help you accelerate the process.”

She felt no comfort at all. Just empty words. Like her empty sac. Janet came back home feeling empty. An empty balloon, without any gas, falling slowly, carried by the breeze into a dumpster. She couldn’t feel. She couldn’t cry. A few days later, her period came, and somehow it only made her feel more miserable.

The following week, Robert texted her and said they needed to talk. She imagined it was the last time they saw each other, and she was right about that. But it still hit her when she heard him say it: “I care for you, Janet. I really like you, and we had a great time together. You deserve to be happy with someone else. And I need to stay with Robin. Because you see, she is expecting, she needs… they need me now.”

There was going to be a baby.

Only not Janet’s.