The Search For Shelter

My shoe breaks through the hard outer scab of snow, sharp icy edges adding fine scratches to my bare ankle as I hurry forward as fast as I can go. Panting. Beside me, little Piper scampers wren-like atop the crust of glittering white. Piles of high, sparkling, powder surround us; trees look as if they’ve been coated in crystal and thick quiet flakes of snow have begun fill the sky. If this were any other day, the scene would have been idyllic, instead, I’m filled with panic at the slowness of which I’m wading through the calf-deep drifts, the obvious trail we leave in our wake, and the shouts of voices behind us.

Drums of panic thump within my heart. Hurry. Flee. Hurry. Flee. I catch Piper’s small woollen mitten and clutch her hand between my cold blue fingers, pulling her along. I’ve been trying not to let my terror show, pretending we are on a grand adventure.

“The car went smash.” Piper says her breath puffs in misty clouds around her red cheeks.

“Yes.” The car did indeed go smash. It went sideways off the road then rolled down the embankment onto its roof. I feel the large welt on my head and try to remember what led to that crash. Nothing comes. I didn’t recognize the car, or the coat I’m wearing, or the house clothes underneath. I don’t remember these woods or why we are so far from the prairies. Clearly, I have sustained a traumatic brain injury resulting in retrograde amnesia. In the absence of cranial swelling, the effect will fade and my memory should return. I can’t explain how I know that, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why I’m so afraid.

“I want to go home.” Piper continues “It’s cold.”

“We are going on an adventure.” I offer instead. The cheer in my voice sounds thin. “And soon, we will find a little café, and order peach pie and hot cider.”

“I’m cold.” She repeats.

“If we hurry, we can be there soon.” I’m lying. We’re lost. We’ve been lost for some time now, but I just keep heading “down” these strange, forested slopes in hopes there will be a town in this direction. I’ve considered turning around and following our tracks back to the road, but there are men behind us and everything within me screams DANGER!

Piper begins to sob, blinking large tears. I watch her little face as a snowflake comes to rest on her lashes.

********

Arlin is snoring softly in my arms and I. just. Stare. His long lashes rest on round cheeks, pink lips puckered. I brush a curl of chestnut hair from his brow. I make a silent promise to always keep him safe and I wonder how a heart can hold this much love without bursting. I look up at Heinrich tears in my eyes, “He’s just so perfect.” I breathe.

Heinrich sighs, “You’ll spoil him.” He says matter-of-factly, taking Arlin from me and handing him to the nurse.

The nurse is Shelly. Shelly waits as Heinrich turns around, then fans herself in a mock swoon, gyrates her hips and gives me a thumbs up. I suppress a smile; all my former co-workers have a crush on my husband! Shelly carries Arlin away to the nursery, her heels clicking on the polished floor.

********

A squirrel clicks at us in protest as we pass by its tree. Arlin! I’ve remembered Arlin. Oh God, where is he, where is my boy?

“Piper? Do you know where your brother is?” I ask her, and she just looks up and me, her sobs turning to heart wrenching cries. The poor thing, she can’t be more than three years old. I look around, I can’t do anything about Arlin right now, so I set about to cheer up my daughter, I pick up some of the fallen snow and place it on my head.

“We are winter queens in a crystal forest” I say in a silly English accent. “I’m princess Evelyn and you are Princess Piper.”

“I’m Pin-cess Jessica!” Piper asserts, wiping her cheeks with her mittens.

“Nice to meet you princess Jessica, have you seen the invisible castle?”

She looks around. “Nope!”

“Do you want me to tell you the story of the missing castle?.” I ask, and she squeaks in delight.

********

Arlin frees the squealing mouse from a trap, eyes filled with compassion. My heart tightens, oh my sweet, boy… the bruise under his eye is not quite healed. I smile at Arlin and nod as I lift Piper from my breast and lay her in the bassinet. She gurgles a milky warm burp, sighs, then sleeps.

“Come” I whisper to Arlin, “I’ll need your help to bandage it’s foot, then we can set it in the fields.”

“Papa will be home soon” He reminds me, looking at the baby and standing protectively beside her. 

“I know, we’ll be quick.” I promise.

********

“You promised!” Piper cries as she sits in the snow. It’s twilight now, and she’s right. I promised we’d be “At the Castle” by dark, we eat some snow, grinding it between our teeth until it turns into slush.

Piper refuses to continue, so I pull her up, piggyback style. My bare ankles are bloody, night is falling. The barking of dogs has joined the distant shouts of voices, and the snow is falling thickly now.

Whomever is after us (I am forming a suspicion about that), they don’t sound nearly as close as they did before, but I’m afraid if we stop, or slow, the men will catch up to us before the cold does.

Wait! I listen carefully. Is that the sound of dogs or wolves?

********

“Are you a wolf or a a sheep?” Heinrich is already becoming impatient, and Arlin’s face is bright red with the effort of holding back his tears.

“I don’t want to.” Arlin protests, eyes pleading with his father “Can’t we ask momma to fix her?.”

Arlin looks toward me, I could set the bone and make a cast but I know Heinrich would never allow it, and he’s holding Piper tightly in his arms. I’m failing. I can’t protect him. I look away from my son ashamed.

“Shoot it.” Heinrich repeats. Arlin stands, shotgun pointing at the calf before him. Heinrich crouches down face is level with Arlin’s. There’s a low growl in his voice, “Are you a sheep son?”

Arlin does not reply.

Heinrich pokes Arlin in the temple “Are you a soft…” Poke. “Stupid...” Poke. “Sheep?”

Arlin’s face hardens and my heart breaks. “I’m a wolf Father.” He says at last and squeezes.

********

I squeeze my eyes shut, listening, praying, that, wherever we were headed, Arlin is there. I can’t bring myself to think of any other possibility, I have one child here that I can protect, and we are in trouble.

There are snowmobiles out now, I can hear the high-pitch wine of their motors, and very distant, the low cry of sirens. Sirens. If they were closer, I’d head toward them, but they sound so far away. My legs trail red droplets on the snow, glinting in the last light of dusk.

I stumble, and we fall, not hard but Piper begins to sob. Oh, this has all gone so wrong, so badly. I need to find help, I need to find Arvin. I need to remember these mountains! Where are we?

“I want my mommy” Piper sobs into my chest as I hold her.

“It’s OK, I’m hear sweety, I won’t let anything bad happen to you Piper.” I murmur into her stiff hair.

“MY NAME IS JESSICA!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!” She yells into my face, and I’m stunned.

I rock back in shock and look at her, really look at her…God, I don’t even recognize my own Daughter. Something is very, very wrong with me. I feel the welt on my head and realize I’m burning up. I think I’m experiencing some sort of Prosopagnosia, unable to recognize familiar faces, add that to the bump, and the amnesia, and unconsciousness could be a real risk here.

The sounds of the skidoos are drawing closer, I may not understand my fear, but I do understand that If something happens to me, I CANNOT leave Piper unprotected. I summon my courage, and change direction, heading toward the sound of the motors. I’m not sure it’s the right decision but I don’t think I have a choice anymore.

Piper and I have been following the river and are standing on its ridge, I can see a sled in the distance. I wave my arms and soon I watch the rider stand up in the seat, changing course to speed in our direction.

I freeze, blood running colder than the icy water below. I know that profile, I know who is coming toward us on the sled.

********

My vision is blurred, but I can see Heinrich, his profile in silhouette against the light from the window. I am the only thing between him and the children, I climb to my feet somehow, my legs shake, threating to buckle. I look into his eyes and can tell that the monstrous rage is starting to dissipate, giving way to wet despair. If I can hang on a little longer, just a little longer…

 He comes toward me again..

********

He’s coming for us! “Quick little one, we have to run now.” I scoop her up into my arms and turn to flee. I can’t let him catch us! he’ll kill us for sure! We have to run! we have to get away! I need to keep my kids safe, I have Piper, I need to keep Piper safe.

I slip and Piper tumbles from my arms, “Run!” I scream, leaping to my feet, the only chance we have to go down the ridge! We start to descend, but I realize immediately that I’ve made a mistake. The embankment is steep, and slick and we begin to slide. I try to stop. It looks like a sheer cliff face before us. I grab the hood of Pipers coat and pull her down with me, on our backs.

The sled passes by on the rise above, snow blowing down onto our faces, I scramble for purchase crying out as we begin to slide faster down the slope, the edge of the embankment is speeding toward us, and I hear Piper’s high pitched scream as she disappears over the crest. PIPER! I plumet into the emptiness after her.

********

 Tonight, we take the plunge, pile into the pickup with the money I’ve saved.

“Arvin, hold your sister tight on your lap, then pull the seatbelt around you both.” He does as he’s asked.

I’ve heard, up near the mountains, they have a shortage of nurses. The cities there are so big, it would be easy to disappear. I shift the pick-up into drive and floor the pedal. Heinrich bursts out the door behind us, his voice rings out in the night.”

********

There are voices in the dark, shrill, urgent. Heinrich’s voice, Arlin’s voice, Piper’s voice.

“Piper!” My eyes fly open and look around. There! Her blue coat! We’ve landed in a deep drift of snow right beside the river’s edge. I pull her into my lap, and check her vitals, pulse is strong and steady, breathing regular. Her eyes flutter open and I relief floods me, only… Wait. Her eyes. What’s wrong with her eyes: They are blue. My daughter’s eyes are brown and..

Someone is coming!

I place a hand over her mouth. “Hush” I whisper, pulling her close and rocking. A large shadow passes in the dark, coming toward us, then it passes. “Shhh, Shhh, Shhh, Shhh.” I say over and over.

Someone shouts, voice drown out by the rushing water.

“Daddy” Piper whispers against my hand and I clamp it tighter.

“Shh, Shh” I breathe.

Another man calls in respond and I know that voice. I feel like I should know that voice. It’s not Heinrich, it’s.. it’s… right on the tip of my mind.

Dread silence falls. Do I call out? I can’t call out. I can’t let Heinrich have us. I don’t know what to do. Why are Piper’s eyes blue? Where is Arlin? Where is Arlin?

********

“Where is your brother?” I call to Piper, I have a free “Canada day hotdog” in my hand and it’s calling his name. Piper is climbing into a burlap sack with her new friend, getting ready for the potato race. I wish I could make friends so easily! She points to the playground, and I can see Arlin there, racing over the wooden equipment with some other boys his age. It’s so good to see him smile again.

“Mom! Watch me race!” Piper calls…  

********

“Momma!” A small voice calls.

A little girl squirms against me and I’m so cold I can barely hold her. Where are we? Who is this child? Why is it so cold?

“Let me go!” The girl shrieks pulling against my grip.

I let her go. I pull my knees up and wrap my arms around them, watching the blue coat disappear into curtains of falling snow and blackness.

Moments pass. Everything fades. The snow falls silently in the dark.

********

Snow falls thickly in the dark of early morning. It’s our first day in the new house, my very own house- thanks to the promotion I received at the hospital. I’m surrounded by boxes and I’m sipping my favourite coffee of the day - the one before everyone else wakes up, before the mayhem ensues. I sip my perfect coffee and look around our perfect new house and send a prayer of thanks up to the heavens.

********

“Oh mom, thank the heavens.” A deep voice says. 

Someone is crouching in front of me. I am gazing into big brown eyes with long lashes. I reach up and brush away a curl of chestnut hair from the worried face.

“It’s OK mom, I’ve got you.”

I smile at Arlin, the tender look in his eyes reminds me of when he was just a boy. “You’ve grown into quite a handsome man.” I say and his eyes widen.

He turns and yells behind him “I’ve found her! She’s lucid.”

“My Arlin.” I say, tears spilling from my eyes. I wonder how a heart can be this full of love without bursting.

Arlin looks at me with relief and sadness, “You gave us quite the scare mom.”

“Where’s Piper?” I ask him looking for a little girl… No. That’s not right, is it?

Arlin sighs heavily and nods toward the river. “Piper’s down there, making sure Jessica’s ok. She was really, really, worried mom.” He looks at my leg and the injury on my head. “Compared to you though, Jessica seems fine.”

********

“Jessica” Piper tells me, she looks up and her big brown eyes are full of love. Little blue eyes are peering up at her from under a hospital blanket.

“Jessica is a lovely name.” I whisper.

“I didn’t know I could love something this much” Piper says and laughs with tears in her eyes.

Jeff leans down and wipes one away. “She’s perfect.” He breathes, and I smile. Jeff’s a keeper.

I give piper a kiss on the cheek before leaving. My heart is full. I slide the curtain closed behind me.

********

Arlin helps me to slide off the snowmobile. Ambulance lights flash in the dark. I see a paramedic chatting with a lively little girl, in a navy blue coat.

I gasp! Hand flying to my mouth, “Piper!”

“No Mom, that’s Jessica” says an irritated lady as she stalks from the little girls’ side toward us.

Another paramedic, however, beats her to me. “You gave us quite the scare today, Eleanore.” He positions himself deftly between me and the angry lady. “Can’t go pulling stunts like that. Next time you want to go for a hike, you give one of your old colleagues a call instead, OK?”

I’m ushered into the ambulance and the young Paramedic says: “Little pinch.” He gives me a winsome smile as he slides the IV needle into my arm.

Epilogue:

********

I slip the syringe out of my purse, and peer at the ‘phospholipase A2’ inside it. Bee venom. I hold it behind my back before I knock. There are footsteps inside and eventually he answers.

Heinrich stands thin and tall in the entry. He says nothing, only stares at me.

“You are a grandfather.” I say.

“A What?!” He sputters.

“A Grandfather.” I smile. “Piper has had a daughter.”

Heinrich looks about then back at me. “That’s it?”

“No.”

“Well?”

“I want you to know that you will never lay eyes, or a hand, on that little girl.” I’m whipping the syringe toward him before he can speak. 

I maneuver to the familiar, cluttered desk where I find Heinrich’s will and pull it from the brown paper envelope. Arvin and Piper are still the beneficiaries of his estate. Good. Heinrich’s inheritance will help.

Both Arvin and Piper have been talking about the new development that’s been started just up the mountain from my house. It’s perfect, close enough to the big city for work, and far enough to have that small town feel. I’m so grateful they’ve stayed close into their adulthood.

I place the envelope on the desk, where it will be easily found. It puts my mind at ease to know the kids will be taken care of, I don’t know how long I have, but the concussion has found early markers of accelerated cognitive decline. I shutter dementia, it has such a nasty ring.

I tidy up the evidence of my visit and pause in the doorway.

 “The baby’s name is Jessica.” I say, but Heinrich can no longer hear. 

********