You Suck Less

[The following is no longer based on actual events]

“You know,” Said Numa’s doppelganger, “Your great great grandmother used to suck more than you.”

“Harlee? But I heard that she died at twenty-eight,” Original Numa coughed, still feeling the effects of her cold.

“Exactly.”

Numa II did not offer any further explanation, leaving Numa even more confused than when she first saw her second self. The two Numas were dissecting the source of Numa the First’s suckage.

“So maybe, if I wear my black shirt with-” Numa started.

“Ney!” Numa II exclaimed, cutting off Numa’s outfit planning, “Your outfits don’t suck as much as your personality. And when I looked through your files the other day, it seems that- sometimes- you can be rather mean. Like yesterday, when Marc shared his feelings with you-”

Numa I interrupted right back, “But that was because I was confused! He was freaking me out!”

Numa the Remix wrote something down and said, “You know, there was always an excuse with Harlee. And most of the time it was a good excuse, like yours now. But it lead to mistakes. Mistakes that she didn’t take responsibility for. So, to avoid the fate of rarely beloved grandmother Harlee, you are going to apologize to Marc.”

Numa thought about that for a bit. It was true that she always had an excuse. She hardly ever apologized because, in her opinion, if she had a good reason for wronging somebody, then there was no use in wasting valuable breath saying sorry. So Numa decided that step one to reducing her suckage levels would be to take responsibility for her actions and words every now and then. 

A few hours later, Numa was standing on the doorstep to Marc’s home, wielding a dandelion as a gift. She replayed her speech over again, until he answered the door wearing an extravagantly manly robe.

“Oh, hey.” Marc greeted, “Friend. Chum. I see you brought me a weed as a sign of friendship. Thank you.”

“Well actually,” Numa began, “Dandelions have many health benefits, they can help with kidney disease and-”

“He doesn’t have kidney disease!” Numa II hissed from the rosebush she was hiding in.

Marc looked at the bush suspiciously, then turned back to Numa One to continue her exhortation.

“Any how,” Numa the Original continued, “I came here to apologize for yelling at you yesterday. I was confused, but I didn’t give you much time to actually explain yourself. I’m sorry.”

Marc fiddled with the sash of his robe and replied, “Oh. Thanks.”

“Also, I think it’s important that you know that I really wasn’t at school the other day. The girl whom you are madly in love with is my…” Numa thought about the unexplained events of the day before, “...Impostor.”

Marc chuckled, “Yeah, I saw her fall down the stairs, and you almost breaking her arm. And anyways, I think I was too hasty. I mean, it was really only one day, and I should have thought about it a bit more. Besides, I would have yelled too.”

Numa put her hand out, “Actual friends?”

Marc took her hand, and probably her germs as well, “Friends.” He agreed.

With a new sense of kindness, Original Numa began walking home with her remix. 

“You didn’t brainwash him,” Numa told her twin.

“Yes. I wanted you to complete the first step before I got to that,” Numa the Second said, “Now that you’ve done that, I’ve noticed another thing contributing to how much you suck: your acceptance. Yesterday you admitted to Marc that you’re annoying, but to me, it doesn’t seem like you’re doing anything about it.”

It was another fatal flaw. Numa sometimes just didn’t see the point in trying after a while. She stopped making efforts to improve, because they didn’t seem to be going anywhere. That was another thing she would have to work on to stop herself from ending up like Harlee. 

“Also, studying.” Numa’s twin continued, “You know, you always do the best you can during the tests, but that isn’t very good because you don’t study.”

“Well, why should I?” Was Numa’s response, “All we need to know is what we learn in class. So why do more when we already did the stuff altogether?”

“You know, Harlee was always like this. She always did the bare minimum. ‘Why should I?’ was her catchphrase.”

“Is that why she died at twenty-eight?” Numa asked. 

“Yep.” Numa the Second explained grandmother Harlee’s demise. She started like Numa; she had an excuse for most of her mistakes, and since the excuses were reasonable, she never made the effort to improve. She never did more than she wanted to, which eventually turned into her not doing enough, which eventually meant she died. 

When Harlee got pregnant with Numa’s great grandmother, she started to put on a lot of weight and eat odd things like most pregnant women. Since gaining mass was normal after having a baby, Harlee decided that it wasn’t necessary to work hard to lose weight. But unfortunately, she gained too many pounds and didn’t eat very healthy, resulting in a heart attack. When Harlee died, she went to the Land of Sucky Souls, where she had been watching Numa since.

“So she died,” Numa II finished, triumphant for getting to the source of Numa’s and her grandmother’s suckage. “Anyhow, Harlee saw that you were going down the same path, and sent for me- one of her chaperones- to help you.”

Numa the First frowned. She sure didn’t want to end up dying from complacency. It would look so silly on her tombstone. 

“Well, thanks…” Numa told her twin, “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be working and growing.”

“Glad to help,” Numa the Second replied, “Next I’m going to your friend Ruby. Her great Uncle told an intoxicated farmer that her overalls looked like something a deeply disturbed millennial would wear, resulting in him being run over by her tractor and used for fertilizer. Ruby’s becoming rudely honest and I’d hate to see her end up like that. See ya!” She said, and disappeared.

Numa the Only smiled to herself and said a prayer for help with her problem, and for her friend. Then Numa continued home, ready for change.