Dinner and No Movie

 Damn, I really need to be studying.

My stomach already aches from the lack of food I've eaten but, seeing the D in my Psychology class just made me feel even worse. Like the true avoidant I am, I quickly close out the Blackboard app. 

As if a coincidence, I get the warning text from T-mobile that my phone bill will be due soon. I had almost forgotten about that.

Shit, I got to make up something to tell my mama.

My stomach turns even more at the thought of how selfish I am. My mom had just lost her job right before I went off to New Orleans for college, and here I was spending the money she scraped up for my phone bill on some boy. 

I admit that I am a fool, but I couldn't help it. I loved him, and for once, I have someone consistent in my life that hadn't left my side. 

Seasonings blend in and marinate the air with the tangy aroma of chicken that intermingles with biscuits' buttery scent. I can smell the faintest hint of apple and cinnamon as the cooks got to rolling with the apple pies—my stomach grumbles. I couldn't afford an apple pie this week if I wanted to make sure I had enough bus fare to make it back to campus. 

"Uh uh, Nah, baby! This ain't what I asked for. I asked for spicy, not mild."

"That's what the ticket said, ma'am."

I am knocked back into reality by the uproar at the counter.

I fan myself with my hand, surveying the scene around me.

The restaurant is animated, filled with various characters. A mother shushing her unruly child as she complains about her order, construction workers grabbing handfuls of ketchup packets discussing get rich quick schemes, older women with big church hats coming in for their after-church lunch. 

And there is Liam, my boyfriend, in line buying us lunch.  

Liam who always seemed to know what to say and how to say it. 

Liam, who kept me grounded for the last two years. 

Liam who is the only one that cares about me.

Liam, who I loved with every fiber in my being.

Liam, who I had forfeited my dreams for to come live in this city.

I shifted on the hard seat in the booth. I wait patiently for Liam. Ugly thoughts began to cross my mind again.

Liam who didn't have to make any sacrifices.

Liam, who called me stupid in indirect ways at times.

Liam, who gets angry when I didn't spend my money in "correct" ways.

Liam, who refused to get any job since working fast food, was "beneath" him.

Liam, who is buying us lunch with my money.

My eyes narrow at him at the register.

What is this? The 6th time this weekend, I had to buy food for the both of us. 

How many times this month? 

I take out my phone to look at my calendar. It was nearing the end of September. Three weekends, three meals each weekend, two days. 

My God, I have bought this motherfucker food eighteen times! 

I was not even counting August, the snacks, and the gifts. 

I didn't calculate the bus rides we took and the fees of dates I paid for with money my family entrusted with me for school supplies and extra items. I didn't tell them where my money was going.

My mother would drag me by the hair back to Mississippi, especially since she was pinching pennies and sucking in her pride to ask my extended family for my school expenses.  

In an instant, I feel a mixture of shame and anger. Am I really so desperate and stupid for someone to love me? I sacrifice bits and pieces of myself. I turn on my phone's front camera to catch a look at myself.

The dark bags and circles under my eyes are a constant now. My hair is dry and has minimum life to it since I cannot buy new hair products. A scarf is tied crookedly around my edges to make me feel somewhat pretty. It isn't working. My shoulders sag. 

I haven't felt pretty on my own in a while. I usually never feel pretty unless Liam tells me so. Lately, ever since I cannot afford things that make me feel pretty, his comments have become scarce and scarce. Often more, it's criticism.

My eyes fall on his back that is still away from facing me, while I sit at the booth waiting for him to return. 

He smells. He smells of sweat and dirt. 

I know he does because I could see the woman behind him fan her nose in annoyance. I know it's him because I smelled him on our way here. I know it's him because my roommate complained when he got me from my dorm two days prior. Suddenly, I feel like he has no right to tell me that I'm pretty or not.

His hair is stringy; that cap is dirtier than my Auntie Mary's floor. And seriously, girl, has he even taken a bath this weekend? You haven't seen him get in the tub since you been crashing at his parent's house with him away from your dorm?

My eyes pan to the window next to me, and I look out at the gloomy scenery of Elysian Fields. The clouds hung low in threat as if it would rain. The sidewalks of his neighborhood are crumbled by construction work. The RTA bus zooms by, signifying that another wouldn't come for another 45 minutes to an hour and a half.

It looks like we're walking back to the Villas.

I can already feel the humidity as I let out a sigh. The walk back would feel like an eternity, especially with my backpack and recent backpain.

I'm sore already from walking here already. Of course, Liam told me I complained too much, and he walked ahead of me.

For a brief moment, I hate him. I want to leave. I want to call my mother right now and tell her what's been going on. 

How I've been low in spirit, broke, and dejected since arriving at college in the city. 

For a moment, I think of my dad and how he is probably turning over in his grave at the things I've settled for since he passed away. A lone tear slides down my cheek, and I quickly wipe it away.

What did I do ever to deserve this?

I wonder if I could do this for the rest of my life or if this is a temporary situation. I've seen several couples struggle on Facebook and then come up together. I have been holding onto the slim hope that that would be us. 

But can I wait forever? Or Should I even?

I barely had any friends because he took up all of my free time, and the friends I did make he judged harshly. I wouldn't dare tell my friends back home of my struggle. I feared being judged and told to "dump him" for a better dude.

But I don't want to be lonely again. Loneliness is a death sentence to me. Ever since my dad died, I couldn't help but feel this way. In these past five years, I have felt unprotected without him. 

Was it so bad that I wanted to feel safe again and loved? My mother never seemed to want to talk about my dad anymore. She'd rather scream and constantly try to fill his place with failed relationships.

 I hate her for it, yet I wonder if we aren't so different after all.

"Hey, babe. Sorry it took me so long. Had to get some apple pies?"

Startled, I look from the window to focus back on him. He now had two boxes of tenders, drinks, and--

"Apple Pies?" I ask, confused. He passes a quarter and nickel back to me. I'm supposed to have more change than this. 

All the money I would have until Thursday. Today is Sunday.

 Thursdays were like Christmas. My grandparents would send me $30 via Western Union, and relief would settle in my heart. Fridays on the 15th of each month were like my birthday. My work-study would roll in, and I'd feel semi-rich. 

For a little while, at least.

Lord God, why did you have to give me a broke white boy?

"I thought we were just getting chicken." A nervous tremor is in my voice. How in the hell would I be able to get back to my dorm without bus fare later? A one-way Bus pass was $1.25 back to my dorm. Even then, I would have to walk fifteen minutes in the dark down the street because I did not have $3 to get a one-way pass to switch to the other bus.

"Well, I decided to get apple pies for my parents. I hope that's cool. I'll ask if they can drive you home to your dorm." He quickly adds.

 I'm lucky. His parents rarely took me back to my dorm. Usually, Liam and I would have to take the bus back or prepare for a very long walk.

Like I fool, I fell back in love.

My Liam always knew exactly what to say and how to say it.

"Sounds like a plan. Thank you, baby." I smile, kissing him on the lips when he sits beside me at the booth.

"Now, let's try to eat this fast so we won't get rained on."

I loved him with every fiber in my being. 

Sometimes loving someone that much will hurt with every fiber of your being. 

One day, I would find that out the hard way. 

But, not today.

I was okay now and back in love with the one man who hadn't left me. Even if he isn't consistent in his passion, he's still here. 

I should be grateful because a girl like me doesn't have that many options.

 I open my box of chicken, smiling like a damned fool.