As I slid into my silk panties, I knew I was tasting forbidden fruit. The thought of this biblical reference passed through my mind, reminding me of my Bible thumping father. He had been a stern man, and if he could see me now, he would roll over in his grave. “Gary, how could you do something so unimaginable?” “Gary, how could you do something so unimaginable?” he would have shouted. But death had a way of silencing people, leaving me with the last word. “You’re dead, Dad, and now I’m going to start living my true life.”
A dim light, illuminating from my closet, pulled at me, drawing me towards the pleasures it held within. A row of suits and shirts awaited my daily inspection, but today, I walked past them without even taking a glance. Instead, I walked to the far corner of the closet, where hanging on silken hangers, were dresses tailored for me. As I gently brushed my fingers across them, I stopped on the one that caught my eye. Lavender it is. Grabbing the hanger holding my prize, I came out of the closet and began dressing myself.
I can only what people would think when I showed up for work. “What happened to Gary the librarian?” they may ask.” But more than likely, they’re going to be left speechless, shocked in disbelief. Either way, it doesn’t matter. I’m through lying to everyone, including myself. Now they will know who I truly am.
Tenderly, I slipped my arms through my bra straps and snapped the hooks together. Gazing at my reflection in the mirror, I ask myself, what size should my cups be? Should I overfill them or not? Sorely, I wanted to express my feminism, but I knew I had to be practical. Working at a library wasn’t only checking out and returning books. Since I’d had to reshelve books, clear desktops off as well as other duties, I didn’t want my boobs to interfere with my work or force me to look awkward. So be it. I took the size C inserts and place them properly in the bra.
My slip caressed my body, halting as the straps touched my shoulders. Gripping my pantyhose, I pulled and adjusted them, as they encased my cleanly shaved legs. Finally, it was time for dress. As soon as stepped into it and closed the zipper, I inspected the image appearing at me from my mirror. Good-bye Gary and hello Mary, I thought. I almost didn’t recognize who was looking back at me. I had been dieting and working out for this moment and now it’s paying off.
Just a few more touches, were needed. A quick bit of makeup, not too heavy on the lipstick, my mother’s favorite earrings and necklace, a pair of pumps, then last but not least, my wig. Consisting of long flowing, blonde hair, it completed my ensemble. I took one last look in the mirror and found myself completely satisfied. It was time to introduce the world to Mary.
As I glided down the stairs, I reminisced about my parents. My father may have been a hard man, but I knew he always wanted the best for me. I was his only child, and in a way, he wanted to relive his childhood through me and for me to be better off than he was. I recall the disappointment written across his face when he learned I wanted to be a librarian, and if he had ever discovered I wanted to be a woman, I couldn’t imagine what he would have done.
My mother on the other hand, would have been surprised, maybe shocked at first, but in the end, she would have supported my decision and eventually accepted me as her daughter. Oh, I miss her so much. If she were alive today, she would be standing by me, encouraging me to go on. But she isn’t and I’m here, alone.
After a cup of coffee, and a glazed donut, I found myself looking at the front door, beginning to second guess myself. Is this what I really want to do? Once I start down this path, there’s no turning back. Everything I was, will be erased and my future prospects as Gary will be cast away. My job as a librarian is safe, but everything else, including my friends, may go to the wayside. Is it really worth it?
As I pondered on these thoughts, I found myself unlocking the door and opening it and before realizing it, I was stepping in my car and turned on the ignition. This is it, I thought. I’m really going to do it. As I pulled out of the driveway and headed down the road, I began to smile. Larry, my supervisor, is going to have a fit. As for Denise, my coworker, I’m not sure what she’s going to think. I thought to myself, what bathroom am I going to use? Then, I chuckled. There’s no doubt about it. It’s going to be a day to remember.
A few minutes later, I pulled into my parking spot, haunted with one lingering thought. Not too late to change my mind. I could just pull out of the parking lot and say it never happened, but then I would be lying to myself. Too long I have been in denial, but not anymore. I pulled the key out of the ignition switch. To hell with the consequences of the great unknown. As I reached for the door latch, I still found myself hesitating. Too late now. I opened the door and as I stepped out on the parking lot, a car pulled up next to me. There, in the driver’s seat, was Denise, giving me a dumbfounded look.
She stepped out of the car, fixating her stare at my chest. “What do you think you’re doing, Gary?”
A voice, I never realized I had, poured out of my mouth. “My name is Mary, Denise. Gary never existed. All he ever was, is a figment of everyone’s imagination, so don’t expect to see him again.” When I was finished, I bravely stood there waiting for the hammer to fall.
Instead of condemnation, Denise’s eyes unfurled, and her face softened. “I’m sorry for how I reacted, Mary, but you caught me by surprise. I never occurred to me you were a woman trapped inside a man’s body.”
Her compassion melted my heart and I opened up to her. “I’m so frightened, Denise. I don’t want to live a lie anymore, but I’m also afraid of what people will think of me. I may be alone, but I decided I’m going to march inside the library and begin telling the world who I am, starting with Larry.”
Denise smiled and locked her arm around mine. “You’re not alone, dear. You have me by your side. We’ll face Larry together. If he faints at the news, we’ll prop him up in his chair and set him straight. What do you say about that?”
What could I say? I thanked her for her support and a few minutes later, we broke the news to Larry. Fortunately, he didn’t faint and after he thought about my situation for few minutes, along with us haranguing him, he accepted my new position in life.
By the time I left the library for the day, I was pleased with how the day turned out. A couple of patrons rans out after taking one look at me, but overall, most only gave me a second look, if they noticed at all. as for Larry, he gave me a nod of approval, as I was walking out the door. It was the first time I looked forward to going to work the next day.
As soon as I pulled into my driveway, I went straight upstairs to the bedroom. As I took off my dress, and was about to slip into something casual, I looked at the male body staring at me from the mirror. My first thought was, I need to grow out my hair. Then, I gazed at the male features of my body. Something needs to be done about that too. For the past several years, I’ve been saving as much money as I could in preparation for transitional surgery. I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to go through with it, but now I have at least one friend to help me through the process. Perhaps I’ll call the clinic tomorrow to make an appointment. Let’s see.
As soon as I finished changing, I put all of Gary’s clothes in a trash bag. The Salvation Army needs these more than me, and when I was done, I inspected the near empty closet. It looks like I have a lot of shopping to do. Thank God I have credit cards. Denise promised to come over tonight to help me learn how to properly apply my makeup. I admit, I could use some help in that area, and while she’s here, I’ll see if she’s free to go shopping with me this weekend.
This so wonderful. Finally, I’m leading the life I’ve always dreamed of. Then, I found myself smiling. I’m so happy! How long has it been since I felt like this? If there was an answer, it was buried deep in my mind. All I know is I’m happy now and I don’t want to go back to life I have abandoned. Closing the trash bag filled with Gary’s clothes, I took it downstairs and threw it out with the trash. The Salvation Army will have to do without them. Good-bye, Gary. It was nice knowing you.