The Air in My Lungs

Being loved unconditionally is an incredibly marvelous experience. It’s, in fact, quite petrifying. Witnessing the raw vulnerability of another, of yourself…It’s horrifying and challenging. It’s solace. It’s a reminder that you feel safe with this living being, and they feel safe with you. In a world where judgment feels like a detrimental essential event in one’s life, being loved unconditionally is an escape—to flee the world's terrors with the one being who sees you for your unique individuality. Every day, I think of the one who’s made me feel worthy of being in existence. He made me feel hope was possible in such a frightening world. I am forever indebted to him. How does one repay the being who’s become the vital reason for continuing their story? Being loved unconditionally is a reminder that you are deserving of love. I’ve had the privilege of being treasured by a being who saw all my scars and, even then, still healed them with his love. Even if the wounds managed to open again, he knew that with time, patience, and care, they would heal. He knew I was stronger than my traumas. I wasn’t defined by what others have done or said to me. I was more than. Better than. Finding the words to express my gratitude feels impossible. How could I put what he's done for me into words? He is the air in my lungs.

My childhood friend. My love. He is the reason I still walk upon this floating rock. Through our walks of life, we’ve witnessed both of us shift into our individuality. I was the socially anxious introvert, and he was the outspoken, opinionated extrovert. Although we were two different beings, together, we remained one. Not a moment goes by when I don't ponder the emotional adventures we share. From the countless nights of consuming salty foods to sitting in bed and watching whatever caught our attention spans. My shoulders were relaxed as I’d never felt the world's weight on my shoulders when I was with him. With good days come bad days, and even in my weakest moments, he was there. His vivid blue eyes sympathetically watched mine as if I were viewing the calmest oceans. It was then that I knew I’d be okay. Being loved unconditionally feels like breathing. A task so simple that we don’t even realize we’re doing it. A task we unknowingly are grateful to experience. Unconditional love is as easy as inhaling and exhaling. He is the air to my lungs. 

There is no greater feeling than walking into a room and being welcomed by your dearest companion. Like searching in a room full of unrecognizable faces, all the background noise suddenly fades, and everyone in the room dissipates as your vision tunnels in on the face of nostalgia. His humorous yet comforting sounds as he approached me as I walked into the room. A sound I hear echo often inside my head. Like a song forever looping, I am not motivated to play any other track. His melody was an award-winning tune. The perkiness of his ears when he spoke. He stood joyfully before me and voiced his appreciation of my arrival. He sees me. He hears me. He loves me. He is the air in my lungs.

We’ve always been attached at the hip. Wherever I moved, he moved. Even when we were separated, I never doubted that he wouldn’t be waiting for me. Seeing him was like a warm embrace during the coldest of winters. After days of being apart, my heart was overjoyed when I was within a short distance of his existence—the anticipation of seeing him and spotting his blend of snowy white and ash-gray hair once he was in my view. Being apart from your love is the feeling of homesickness. The gut-wrenching sensation felt like my organs becoming weightless as I reached the drop of a rollercoaster. I couldn’t stand it when he was not near. Whenever and wherever I was with him was home. He is the air in my lungs.

The saying all good things come to an end is the hard truth. It’s the unpleasant reality we all wish we could avoid. Although I loathe living in the reality of this saying, it makes me value the experience of life. Even the smallest things we are unaware of are good things. A sweet treat to indulge in, a binge-worthy show, or that summer night with a soothing breeze. At some point, it ends, but we know it’ll be back. We can buy another treat, rewatch the show, and sit out and catch the summer breeze, but some endings are permanent. He was the good thing I wished would never end. 

The realization that I would live in this lifetime with him temporarily was a thought I wished not to listen to. For a moment, I knew he would be leaving this world to meet me in another universe. However, this version of myself refused to let that be a reality. Each day, home was further and further away from me. He was becoming restless and disconnected. I was the insomniac, afraid and contemplating that this good thing was ending. I couldn’t take the heartache. My chest tightened like a boa constrictor had squeezed my neck tight. My trachea is unable to function. “How will I live without you?” I’d ask myself. You are…he is the air in my lungs.

The day I was forced to listen to the saying in my mind was dreadful. It feels like yesterday he was here, breathing in the same space as me. Holding him in my quivering arms, I whispered words of gratitude to him. What an honor to be chosen by him in this lifetime. Out of every human that faced this galaxy, it was I with whom he chose to spend every living moment. Tears uncontrollably fell down my face when I clenched tighter, wishing the saying was false. That for as long as I lived, he would. How will I breathe without you? He is the air in my lungs.

As I cradled him in his favorite blanket, I watched as his lungs expanded and his final breath escaped. The air in his lungs was gone, and mine was too. I spoke to him one last time, shuddering words of my endless appreciation to him. He was the air in my lungs.

Being loved unconditionally is an incredibly marvelous experience. It’s, in fact, quite petrifying. Time is not our friend, and every moment spent with him was time that was not wasted. Loving him and him loving me was as easy as breathing. He was, is, and will forever be the air in my lungs.