BIRD BRAIN

***WARNING: This story is meant for adult children. Profanity where necessary.

* * *

Hello. My name is Peppy. I’m a parrot. I’m gray, and I’m also an African Grey. I have soooo many words that I can say. Vocabulary. I am a pretty bird and I eat corn. I’m so smart. I’m not just a pretty beak.  I sing pretty songs. 'Cain't nobody teeell me no-thin'. I'm gonna take my horse down to Old Town Road. I'm gonna riiiiiide 'til I cain't no mo'.  See? So, not just a pretty bird. 

I can bark like a dog, I can moo like a cow, I can oink like a pig, I can mew like a cat. I know Old MacDonald Had a Farm.  I can say anything you can say and, as you will see, I do.

I have a story to tell. I have a new mom. My new mom is Haley. She gives me corn and healthy pellets. She helps me talk when I don’t have a word or I can’t find the right word for speaking.  Today is my time to talk and I want to tell a story, my story.  Mom Haley will help me. I love Mom Haley. How’s ‘about a kiss? But that’s not important right now. 

(Excuse me, if I could break in right here? Hi. My name is Haley Bergeron. Everything Peppy has said so far is accurate. I’ve been his primary caregiver, aka mom, ever since Jasmine, his first mom, was taken from us. I don’t want to give too much of Peppy’s story away. It’s his to tell - and I could see he was agitated just now when I said his first mom’s name. I may pop in from time to time to clarify something, but only if Peppy needs it. Actually, he is a brilliant speaker, as you will see. So I’ll let him continue.)

I want to tell you more about me, Peppy. There was Alex. Do you know Alex?  Alex is a parrot too. A gray parrot, an African Grey bird, like me. Alex knew his colors. Blue, green, orange, rose. Alex could never say red, but I can. Alex would say “rose.” Alex knew his shapes. Square, circle, triangle, heart, diamond. I’m like Alex and I liked Alex. Alex had his cage in hospital.

(Actually a government laboratory and facility, sweetie. Alex was part of a government study on avian intelligence. You can find him if you google Alex the parrot. Not you, Peppy. Your computer privileges are temporarily suspended. Do you remember?)

I know, I know. 

So, Alex went to school and had a teacher named Irene Pepperidge.

(Pepperberg. You were close.)

Alex lived for 36 years. I am 40 years so far. So I can say Red. Alex is in a book. Alex is a smart famous bird. So smart. I don’t live with a government. I once lived with my mom and pop. Now I live with Haley. Jasmine Mom is a big part of my story.  You’ll hear . You’ll see.

(Peppy, would you like to talk about Alexis first? That will tell people a lot about what a clever bird you are, and one of the reasons why you’re not allowed to surf the web without me being there.)

Oh, yes, Alexis! Alexis, play Old Town Road. Alexis, turn down the lights. Alexis, turn up the temperature. Alexis, turn on Hallmark movies. Alexis, order corn on Amazon. Then the corn came! Big boxes of corn. Delivery! So much corn. Corn, corn, corn. Then no more Alexis. Alexis had to go away, but I still have my corn.

(Psst - sunflower seeds.)

Sunflower, fun flower. Flower, sunflower, seed –yes, indeed! Alexis, order sunflower seeds on Amazon. I forgot to say seeds one time. Flowers came in big boxes. Delivery!  Then just the white cooking kind came. Delivery! I liked Alexis. No more Alexis because I won’t stop my fun.

(So now, Peppy, you lived in a house with a family?)

I said that, too. Jasmine Mom and Bad Pop. 

Go home now. Peppy go home.

(When Peppy says “go home” that means he needs a break. Time for a nap and a snack; and then we’ll be back.)

* * *

Hello! Peppy is here. I eat cold banana. Yes, we have no bananas. Just cold banana. Back to telling Jasmine story. Need a water drink first. Please? I can be polite.

(Here you go, smarty pants.)

Good water. 

(Do you want to talk about Pop now?)

No. But I will anyway. Pop is Bill. Bill and Jasmine, mom and pop. First, in the beginning, it was Jasmine and Peppy. Then Bill is here. Jasmine and Bill. Then Jasmine and Bill and Peppy together, sitting in a tree. Jasmine liked Bill. Peppy liked Jasmine. Bill has treats for Jasmine. Love and marriage, love and marriage. Jasmine and Bill, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. Happy house, happy bird.  Pretty Jasmine, pretty bird. Happy days are here again.

Then the blue men come to see Peppy. They say . . .

(Peppy, it’s not time for the blue men yet, is it?)

Awwk. First fighting, biting, yelling, crying. 

“Why are you like this?” 

“You changed!” 

“You promised to never hit me!” 

“Stop it!” 

“I will when you do!” 

Then lovey-dovey. Doves love, love k-i-s-s-i-n-g in a tree. Treats for Peppy. Pretty Jasmine. Happy home, happy bird. 

Then the fighting biting came back again. Mean words flying all around.  Bitch, bastard, fuck face, slut. You’re a mean one, Mister Bill. Jasmine Mom blue, but not the color. Sooo sad. Don’t cry, Jasmine Mom. Peppy so loves Jasmine.  Kiss the boo-boo. Gimme a kiss? Whatcha doin’? Gimme a kiss? I love you, love you, yes, I do.

Mom goes away, spends more time away. Peppy is bored, bored, bored. Pluck my chest feathers. It hurts, but then I feel better. More time alone. Then I talk to Alexis. Alexis brings me treats. Delivery! I talk, Alexis listens. But then no more Alexis. Fighting comes back again and again. Love dove and fight bites, fight bites and love dove.

(Peppy, are you ready to talk about the big day?)

I have a story. Big day, big fight and bite. Water drink?

(Sure.)

Good water. Cold.

(Good. Go ahead, sweetheart.)

Jasmine Mom hurt. Red on pretty face Jasmine. Kiss the boo-boo. Blue, too. Blue, but the color this time. 

“I’ve had enough of you, bitch!”

“Then leave. I’m not keeping you here. Go!” 

“This place is fucking mine, leach. You get out!”

“Why don’t you just get out of my life!”

“I know how to settle this. You only understand one thing.”

“What are you talking about? Get away! Don’t touch me!”

“It’s time someone beat some sense into you!”

“Get back or I’ll shoot!”

“That's mine! Where did you get that?”

“I'll use it, I’m not kidding. You hit me for the last time. Get back!”

“You bitch! I’m going to kill you!”

“I warned you!”

Pop! Pop! Pop! 

That’s the pop gun going pop. Not popcorn, popgun, I mean gun pop. So much rose, but I can say red. So much red. Red, red, red. 

Now the blue men?

(Nodding.)

Blue men come. White dress men come, too. Goodbye, Bill, bye bye. Jasmine goes with the blue men.  It’s quiet now – I think we’re alone now. I want to pull at my chest feathers but I don’t. I want Alexis. Alexis?

(Okay, Peppy, let’s take a break.)

* * *

Hello. Fruit for snack. Healthy pellets. I like alfalfa. I like my grains. Good strong beak and toes, everybody knows which way the wind blows. Peppy is in the house!

Men in blue, how do you do? I can talk, I can sing like a canary, just for you. 

Anyway, so I say this for the blue men:

“I'll use it, I mean it!”

The blue men like me.

“Get back! Get back!”

Pop. Pop. Pop.

They talk to me. They write on a book. I talk, they talk, I talk, we talk. I squawk. Time for a break.

(Again?)

No, no. I squawk with blue men time for a break. Jasmine mom goes away with blue men. Mom Haley comes and gives me corn and I go home, a new home with Mom Haley. I love Haley. Whatcha doin’? Gimme a kiss?

(You’re a sweetie. Now, back to the story.)

I am a sweetie bird, there’s no doubt about it. But that's not important right now.

Then the yellow hair girl comes to talk to Peppy. I talk, she talks, I talk, she is a happy yellow hair girl. I know the song. I dreeeeeeeam of the pretty girl with light yellow hair. She likes me.

Then fancy man comes with the pretty yellow hair girl . . .

(Peppy, do you mean Jane, the legal assistant?)

'Sistent Jane. Yep, here's Jane, at your service. She likes me. She and the fancy man talk to me. I talk, they talk, I talk, they talk. They write on a book like the blue men. The fancy man really likes me. He tries to pet me but I say not so fast, stranger. He chuckles like a bowl full of jelly. Ho ho ho.

This is like Christmas, says the fancy man. 

Peppy has a gift. Peppy is a gift!

* * *

More men come. Ladies come. People come talk to Peppy and write on books.  I can count to 100 but I can’t count how many men, how many ladies, because I forget. 

 Jane comes to visit.  I like Jane. Jane tells me about court. A court in a house, courthouse; a court with a room, courtroom; a court on a bench, the Court. A big box of people, that’s a jury. It is a good time to talk, for me to talk. Can I talk? Of course I can! Peppy has a gift!  Can I answer questions? I answer questions. I answer questions and I ask questions, too. Jane says if you go to court, please just answer questions. Other people will ask the questions and you have to answer them; only answer the questions. Can you do that? Of course I can.

“Good bird.”

Jane then scratches and fluffs behind my ears and I let her. She tells me thank you. I love Jane.

* * *

Jane comes to visit and this time is different.  Mom Haley has my cage blanket like it’s nighttime and talks to me.

“We’re going on a little adventure, Peppy. I will be with you. You are safe and I will be with you and keep you safe. Jane will keep you safe. You just be you, okay?  You just be Peppy.”

The blanket covers me and I feel strange and confusion. Are we going away? Is it night? No, it is not. We’re going somewhere. I move from my swing to my perch so I don’t swing too much and hit my beak. I hear water jumping out of my drink water dish. I feel my cage moving and I hang on tight. I wonder where I’m going.

* * *

When we stop, I wait until I’m not moving anymore to put my feathers back where they belong. I need new water and a new cage floor bottom but Mom Haley will fix it. I crack a sunflower and nibble. I like treats in a new place. I feel better. 

I can hear feet steps, I can hear people voices talking all together – one at a time, please – but I don’t know where I am. 

Here comes Haley.

“Everything’s fine, Peppy. You are such an amazingly good boy. You're in the courthouse that Jane told you about. Will you talk if Jane asks you questions?  Are you okay to do that?”

“In court I won’t ask questions.”

“Good, good bird. And I have corn for you.”

“Good mom. Okay to do that.”

“I’m going to take your cover off now, Peppy, so you can see where you are. Remember, you are safe and I’m here. It's only a court.”

I blink my parrot eyes. The light is bright. Star light star bright. It is quiet and it’s not night. I am on a table desk top. There is a big man in a black dress. He looks like a nice face man. Okay. There are people but not people in a box. Two people over there. I can count. And over there, three people. . . Jasmine!

The man in the black dress speaks.

“Ladies and gentlemen, as you know, we are convening in my chambers for this part of the proceeding. So as not to distract the next . . . witness, I ask that you all refrain from sudden movement or sound. This has already been addressed in open court. Please raise your hand slowly if you can’t hear. Counsel, you may proceed.”

“Your Honor has already ruled that, just for purposes of questioning this witness, my legal assistant, Jane Ward will be permitted to do the questioning?” 

That was the fancy man talking. I hear the name Jane. Good.

“Yes. Good afternoon, Ms. Ward. You may proceed when you’re ready.”

“Thank you, Your Honor. The Defense would call Peppy, the parrot.”

“Judge, I know I’ve already objected ad nausea, but really, this is absurd.” 

This is another fancy man. I talked to him one time and he talked to me. He is a big, puffy man.

“I’ve already ruled several times, Mr. Haynes. Sit down. Your objection is noted for the record. Again.”

“Peppy, are you able to talk?”  

“Hello, Jane. Of course I can.”

“And are you ready to talk to us?”

“Hello. My name is Peppy.”

The people like me. I talked, she talked, I talked, she talked. The puffy fancy man talked, I talked, he talked, I talked. The big man in the black dress really liked me. And Haley gave me corn and new water.

Time to go home.

* * *

Hello! This is the story now at the end. Almost. 

Jane came to visit. I like Jane. She speaks to Mom Haley and me.

“We expect that Jasmine should be getting out very soon now. Peppy’s recounting of the crime was ground-breaking. No one knew how this would turn out. It’s a first. The judge allowing the jury to hear Peppy recount the events in Jasmine’s actual voice was brilliant for us. I doubt they ever would have found the shooting was self-defense otherwise. The defense, on the other hand, is sure to appeal, but we should be able to convince the judge to allow Jasmine’s release while the appeal is pending. There’s a hearing scheduled tomorrow and we’re ready.”

I can have two moms now when Jasmine comes home.

What a lucky bird. 

* * *

Jane and a blue man bring Jasmine Mom home.  She comes to see me and I am quivering, I’m so excited.

“Peppy! How I’ve missed you! How’s my sweet bird?”

I was so happy I just started bobbing my head and dancing and saying whatever came into my brilliant bird brain. 

“Peppy is a happy bird, a good bird. I didn’t tell, just like you told me never to tell. I did like you said, I did like you said. Was I good? Yes, I was, I was good.” 

Jasmine Mom made a sound that means don’t talk, shhh.    

But I was excited. I wanted Jasmine Mom to know I didn’t talk, just like she said. And now I wasn’t in a court so it’s okay to talk. It’s okay to ask questions.

“I did like you said. Was that good? I didn't tell. I was good.”

Jane came over to see me.

“Jasmine, let me see Peppy alone, will you?”

“No way! I don’t know what’s wrong with him but he’s talking nonsense all of a sudden. It’s probably the trauma of everything that’s happened.”

“Peppy, what did Jasmine Mom say not to tell?”

“You bastard! I’ve had enough of you. It’s time I lay your lazy ass down. Go to hell!” Pop. Pop. Pop.

Jasmine Mom had a funny face. “See? That’s not what happened." And a funny voice.

Jane’s face looked funny too.

“Jasmine, please come with me. I need to understand a few things. Officer?”

The blue man came over next to Jasmine Mom. Jane smiled at me. I love Jane.

“You are a good bird. You be Peppy, okay? You just be Peppy.”

Jasmine Mom went with Jane and the blue man. Just like Alexis, Jasmine had to go. Haley gave me corn.

Am I a good bird? I try.

THE END