The Jester's Discovery

The court jester ran into the throne room of the castle. He almost burst with excitement over the discovery he had made the night before when he practiced his juggling. The year was 1465.

“Your majesty, I have some news to share with you—”

“Not now, Jonesboro,” King Oswald of Astoria cut in. “That can wait. While you’re here, do that dance that the queen and I just love.”

“Well, sure, your majesty,” the court jester sighed. “But while I do this dance, can I tell you the news I need to share?”

“First the dance, then the news, okay?”

“As you wish, your majesty,” the jester replied and started his dance. He did a full-body shimmy before he went into a series of jumping jacks, all while he blew raspberries with his lips and tongue.

“Yes, that’s the one! Guard, call the queen.”

“At once, your highness,” the guard who stood by the throne room entrance replied and stepped out.

The jester did a couple of cartwheels before he went into a somersault and landed on his stomach and elbows. He rested his chin on his hands and blew an extra long raspberry through his tongue and lips.

“Oh, please, your majesty, I believe you need to hear this bit of news—” the jester began but was interrupted.

“Ah, honey, you’re here,” the king said as Queen Helena entered the throne room. The throne room guard followed behind, while a third set of footsteps echoed through the hallway and faded away. 

“Jumpin’ Jonesboro here just finished doing the dance we love,” the king said as Queen Helena took her seat. “Do it again.”

“Again? Yes, at once, your majesty. But then I have to tell you my news.”

“The dance first, for the queen,” King Oswald said and stared at the jester. “Then the news.”

“Of course, your majesty,” the jester replied and got up. He did the full-body shimmy into the jumping jacks, and blew the raspberries all the while. The queen chuckled and clapped.

“Ah, yes, that’s the dance, my dear,” the queen said and touched the king’s arm. “Thank you for this. I needed it.”

“Did I call for you at a bad time, my love?” the king asked.

“Not at all. I was asleep,” the queen replied and gave a quick glance at the guard.

“Oh, good. Keep dancing, Jumpin’ Jonesboro!”

“Yes, your majesty,” the jester replied almost breathlessly after the last jumping jack and before he went into the somersault. “But I do need to share the news with you and the queen as soon as I finish this dance,” he added while he did another somersault. He then fell onto his stomach and elbows, rested his chin on his hands and gave the long raspberry.

“Hooray!” the queen cheered and clapped. The king chuckled and nodded in approval.

“Now, for my news,” the jester began. He arose and dusted himself off. ‘This discovery came to me overnight, as I practiced my juggling. While there was no way to explain how the wooden balls float in the air, I figured out why they fell. No one before me has come across the reason, which explains why arrows or stones don’t fly infinitely but either hit their target or hit the ground. Why apples fall from the kingdom’s orchards. This will give the kingdom a new morsel of information that no other kingdom has—”

The king yawned. The queen scowled at him.

“Jumpin’ Jonesboro, please do some juggling for our pleasure,” the king asked the jester. “Guard, bring out the juggling balls for the jester.”

“Yes, your majesty,” the guard replied. He walked to a table near the doorway where a wooden box sat on top. He pulled out three balls and raised them so the jester could see.

“Okay, toss them to me,” the jester said and got into a ready position. The guard threw the first ball, which the jester tracked with his eyes and put out his right arm. The ball landed on the back of his outstretched arm and rolled halfway toward his shoulder. The jester flicked up his elbow and the ball took flight. The guard threw the second ball at the jester, who caught it with his right hand just as the first ball descended into his left.

“Now, the third ball, please,” the jester said. The guard flung the third ball into the air. Here’s how I will show my discovery to the king and queen, the jester thought as the third ball floated toward him in flight.

“Say, Jonesboro,” Queen Helena spoke.

“Yes, your highness,” the jester replied and took his eye off the ball in flight.

“You were telling us about a discovery you made?”

“I was, your highness. And you can say it has some gravitas attached. You see, as I practiced my juggling last night I—”

The third ball hit the jester square in the crotch. He let out a pained gasp as the ball then hit the floor.

“Oh, my goodness!” the king held his stomach and howled with laughter. “That is the funniest thing I have ever seen! Surely you just set this up all along, Jonesboro,” he added.

The jester had his hands to his knees, the first two balls in his hands while the third ball rolled away a couple of feet in front of him.

“Jonesboro, tell us about your discovery.” the queen demanded after a hearty laugh. "Let's hear it."

“Yes, your highness. Please keep in mind getting hit in the crotch was not my news.”

“Oh?” the king uttered.

“Yes, your majesty. See, it’s not so much the hit, but why the ball eventually falls and hits the ground.”

“We can talk about that later, Jonesboro,” King Oswald said. “But I believe you have come across a tactic we are able to use in battle. It’s rather ingenious, really. You see, honey,” the king continued and turned to the queen, “for our soldiers, that is a vulnerable area. In the field of battle, the main focus is to strike the enemy above the waist. But if we aim for their crotch and hit them there, it will slow their forward progress, weaken them, and leave them ripe for the picking. The jester just gave us an unintentional demonstration on the effectiveness of this strike. Jonesboro, you genius, you!”

“Thank you, your majesty,” Jonesboro replied and was able to stand upright after he shook off the shot to his crotch. “But that wasn’t really what I wanted to show you.”

“Guard, hit him again,” the king said and waved to the guard.

“Yes, your highness,” the guard replied and took some more balls out of the wooden box.

“Wait a moment—” the jester began before he dodged the guard’s first toss.

“No, no, Jonesboro,” the king said with a pout. “You’re supposed to get hit.”

The jester sighed and motioned to the guard to toss another ball. The guard did so and hit the jester square in the crotch again.

“Ooh!” the jester grunted as that throw was stronger than the initial crotch hit. The king and queen howled with laughter.

“See? It’s both effective and hilarious,” the king said. “It may not be funny in the heat of battle, but the troops will share some laughs afterwards. Again, Jonesboro, you are wiser than you seem. It’s tactical and hysterical.”

“Thank you, I suppose,” the jester replied. He raised a leg and shook it slightly to ease the pain. “Now, to my discovery. Your majesties, have you ever wondered why it is objects like the ball drop to the ground?”

“Why would I want to know that?” the king scoffed. “Everyone knows it’s because of providence. If the ball was meant to hit the ground, then it does. If it was meant to hit your crotch, then it does. Which reminds me. Guard, please hit the jester with some more balls in the same area.”

“As you wish, your majesty,” the guard replied and pulled more wooden balls from the box.

In 1468, the kingdom of Astoria attacked and conquered the neighboring kingdom of Willowbrook. Their use of close-range projectiles to the crotch was a highly effective strategy that shortened the length of time of the attack.

In 1471, Queen Helena admitted to King Oswald that their daughter, Princess Myrtle, was born out of wedlock. Helena had an affair with the kingdom’s blacksmith in 1465, and he was Myrtle’s true father. King Oswald had the blacksmith drawn and quartered, but not before he was given a swift kick to the crotch.

In 1473, Jumpin’ Jonesboro died from consumption. His discovery was considered lost to the passage of time.

In 1665 a British mathematics student, Isaac, walked through an orchard at his family home and witnessed an apple drop from a tree. The rest, as is often said, is history.