Words I couldn't say

-Is this all you have to say?

-Yes. I don’t even know what to say except that is painful to look at you and not find you there. It is upsetting to realize that the wild waters inside are no longer calming by your voice. It shatters me to think about all the beginnings we embarked on together, unaware of the endings that were still loitering around.

-Are you going to forget me?

-Yes. I am never going to forget you completely. You are someone I must leave behind, but I keep missing trains. You are like a song I keep skipping just to find myself singing it. You are a memory I can’t forget just because I am trying to. 

-Is ‘yes’ the answer to all my questions?

-No. I have a planet of words prepared just for you, an ocean of sentences that I can never utter, a bag full of feelings that I carry everywhere with me. I want to tear down the wall I have around me and tell you everything I have, but my wall is so high that my heart is tied with a belt and my words prefer to stay only on paper.

-Did you ever loved me?

-Maybe. Every time I say the moon is beautiful, every drop of rain I feel when I don't bring an umbrella, every time I pet your dog, every time I look you in the eyes, all this is mine ‘I love you’. Everything I ever did when I was with you is mine ‘I love you’, so I still love you.

-I still love you. More than anything. I don’t know how to stop loving someone whom I have loved every day for half of my life. You are like a sunset. I can watch it every day and still say it’s beautiful. But the thing is, just like the sunset, there is nothing I can do to keep you with me. You can’t be owned. I want to say that I love you but I need to let you go. Unless you say that you love me too. I can be your moon and your sunrise, you be my sunset, that’s how we will complement each other.

-I can’t. I love you. You are the rhyme of my songs. You are the beginning, growth, and ending of my storyline. You are the galaxy in my universe and all the planets in my solar system. I love you. 

-Do you want to talk about what happened? I want to know everything. Can you tell me for once what are you thinking about? Don't let me guess what's in your head every time and get the words out of you. I can't be satisfied with your simple answers. can you ever tell me a complex sentence. I want to know your feelings, your thoughts, your dreams, and everything else. I don't always want to guess the restaurant we're going to eat at, the food you might like. I don't want to fall asleep every night not knowing if you love me or not if you have someone else. Why are you like this?

-I don’t know. Let's not talk about my imperfect, flawed, and unpredictable life. Let's talk about something much more beautiful than colored galaxies. I want to talk about you. I want to know when was the last time when you laughed so hard that you start crying in the end. I want to know your favorite coffee and what do you hate the most. Except for me not talking about everything. I know that we love each other for half of our lives, but we do not know each other. And I also know that it is because of me. I am sorry.

-You doing that again. I would love to be a male mermaid, the one who can hear his loved one thoughts. I want to know what is going on inside your head. Please tell me. Just this once. This time only and I will leave you alone. Although I want to be the one to unravel the veil of mystery that surrounds you. I want to talk about you and how you became the center of my world. 

-I messed up. I made mistakes that I will never forget. I hurt the people that I love and I got hurt. It took me a long time to realize that you can do everything right and you can say all the right things and still end up unhappy and displaced. I want you with me but I also don’t want to.

-You can cry or laugh if you can’t or won’t talk. Healing your wounds will hurt, so cry. Cry your pretty heart out until you have nothing left to shed, that’s how beauty is grown. Through the darkest of our days, we become light. I know there’s always been a little sadness inside your happiness. You have never been able to separate the two. But it’s okay. You can be sad and happy with me, at the same time. I don’t want us to end.

-I am scared. I'm afraid that if I open my mouth and start talking, I won't be able to stop. I'm afraid you'll leave, then I won't have anyone to sit in silence with. I'm afraid you'll stop talking and then I won't have anything to hear anymore. 

-There will be days like autumn when you feel like you are falling from the highest peak meeting the bottom. There will be days like winter when you feel that you lack warmth. But there will also be days like spring when, despite the past seasons, you manage to blossom and wake up from the nights. I want to be your pillow when you are falling or your fire when you want to warm up and I want to water the blooming flowers and maintain their beauty. Everything will be alright. I want to give you my heart and I am not afraid that something bad is going to happen. Life can get ugly and confusing, gritty and hard, but it is the greatest gift you will ever have. I want to share our gifts. I want to find happiness with you. Just tell me how you feel and promise me you will never keep things inside you. I can be a paper and you can be an ink. I love you.

-I love you. I love you.