Dear soul number 001AABBH

Here, I am sitting on my bed and venting at invisible forces that I believed were fighting against me and my evolution. Progress is the word. I had been working hard and pushing forward in all areas of my life. I would even state it is the quest and truth of my being on this planet.

The forces of the day were a team of divine beings I had acclaimed as my Divine team. For months, years, a lifetime I had been praying to a powerful Father, creator of heaven and hell. I had been navigating from the religious education I had received to my fall out of religion for a number of years without ever questioning the presence of a higher power.

I named, summoned, received and acclaimed it. I would even plead on my knees when I needed it.

For a number of human years, I had been torn by faith in ways humanity would raise a claim for: why do we humans have to go through such trials?

During my fall into religion again, I would say back home to be a Christian life, with the Californian practice of it (meaning church but as I feel it), I was desperately trying to patch my faith from the Book to the spiritual.

I never intended to have faith control my life and direction, but a number of repeated cycles forced me back to the unique source I felt knew WHY I missed the lesson each time.

Here, I am in my room, venting at myself, mostly at my divine team or forces who may be fighting me, all in my head. I realized the pattern of thoughts, the pattern of hell.

''It is true when they state that you chose your heaven or hell''.

I am open to wisdom and knowledge from science, astronomy, astrology and theology. They put emphasis on the quest for wisdom.

‘‘Go and find the answers you need and guess what you may strike a star’’.

That was not my case at this particular moment when my mind was playing another trick on me. I had already battled and won the beast. I had spoken over it with force and determination: ‘‘You are not me, I am not you. You work for me so stop trying to be smart’’.

Little did I know that my mind, which for years had controlled my actions due to my polluted consciousness (yes, we are speaking real.) was adamant about not letting the thrown away from her sight.

I was in a mind conflict, negotiation, dissuasion and mostly dissociation that would be the last string to my long-awaited freedom. My mind was not me for sure, it was a powerful technology and device I owned. It was mine, meaning I had control over it.

How on earth do a tool that I have to use for my growth and bliss, turn out to be working against me? I had to come to terms with my dear possession.

How human was I, thinking about possession and power over a device I had no clue how it was working, but I knew I could do something about that control.

First, I started counting from 10 to 1. It is proved scientifically to be effective in calming the mind. That was the key, calm the beast and reveal the docile machinery.

I started investigating how the mind works and how I could hack it. My venting out to divine forces became tangible. It was not Divine work I was planning to accomplish, it was a life mission.

Take back ownership of your mind, your brain, your focus, your thoughts, your actions, and your peace. It was a well-being mission.

I read a number of books, watched and listened to a number of educational programs and understood this was Me or my mind: the final battle in this level of war.

I vented at my Divinity, to God and asked the question we all chase: why on earth did I volunteer to be here as a human within this human experience?

I heard a voice! What? a voice! Really. No way! Your mind is playing a joke on you: this battle is real.

I heard the voice again, quite loud and clear. My ears even started ringing. It was extravagant enough for me to question my sanity.

I thought to myself, am I in the book ‘‘conversations with God?’’ because I would have prepared for this, I would have pledged and defended myself like Job in the Bible.

The voice said something intriguing and heartwarming:

‘‘It is not fair’’.

‘‘Wow! Finally, someone says out loud how I feel.’’

I was curious where his intentions would lead us to. I was puzzled, but I wanted to explore this weird encounter. I kept on with my book reading and venting over my next actions and missed opportunities.

I heard again:

‘‘It’s not fair. You believe it is not fair, really human number 4562029282, really soul number 001AABBH. Did you not remember your mission on this planet?’’.

I was astonished by the promptness of that voice, it was getting scary. Numbers, identification, thought I was in a sci-fi dream.

‘‘I am not a number!’’

Never did I picture the Divine creator speaking of us as numbers. The Bible uses names. At least as a soul give me a Levi, Sarai, Joseph, Elijah, a Ruth… but soul number 001AABBH.

It was definitely a dream, a weird one and I was excited to note it in my dream journal when I woke up.

I moved my body a little and took a deep breath. While performing these mindful acts due to the situation, I wondered in what dream would my mindful routine be so awake. I wondered if my mind control exercises in the alpha state did not push my mind into creating hallucinations.

I was not sleeping. I could feel the air from the fan on the chair, blowing at my feet. I remember adding ice to the machine, and the air was cold. Fresh enough to keep me present in this time and space.

I decided to roll on my back and look up to the ceiling, gazing at the white imperfection for some time may help my out and inner vision get clarity.

I was not in the mood for extravagant investigations, even if I was on the quest for truth.

I started looking at the ceiling, watching my life experiences before my eyes. How I was chosen to carry the flag of my birth country when I was in school. How my parents decided to emigrate to a new land for better opportunities. How they did not ask my opinion and ‘‘hop’’ was I on the plane. I saw myself indulging in studies as a rescue to the change I was living. I witnessed my emotions while discovering a brother was on the way(yes, I was going to be a big sister). I would finally understand my big sister.

As I was landing on this new land, I knew nothing would be as I thought it would be. Suddenly it hit me. What did I think? As a young child of 12, what did I hope and dream for? What was my relationship with my mind, brain, body and mostly soul? Had I even the slightest understanding of self, the soul and human experience?

What I remember was the creative flow within me, even early on. My imagination was wild, refreshing, bold quiet, but so vibrant. I started seeing my younger selves, at key moments of my life and how resilient each of them was. I saw myself walking to school in a foreign country, a land of both peace and threats. I witnessed my boldness to believe I could create my dream life, hoping to craft that reality in my head that had been practising for many years.

I saw myself grow, be in joy and pain, disappointment and bliss, despair and setbacks preventing me from doing what I wanted to.

I witnessed a lack and a poverty mentality inherited by education, culture, people and society.

The thought processes were becoming deep and I was not ready for that, not today. I was doing my part of healing and cleaning my consciousness. Believing that I could not succeed was a lie. Yet, the repeated cycles of failure hit me deep.

Again, the voice appeared:

‘‘It’s not fair, soul number 001AABBH. Remember and free yourself’’.

I was appalled. This voice was telling me to remember as if I would just unlock a key and remember my mission on earth and enter this personality of superhuman. Become my soul! If I am the highest version of myself am I not on the other side?

I was sceptical. Especially, because that voice kept calling me soul number 001AABBH.

I became bold and asked for the first time, acknowledging the voice was out of my head:

‘‘Why do you call me soul number 001AABBH? I have a human name you know. And why is it not fair? to who? to you? to God? Can you be more specific because signs and wonders are not needed here? Be clear, loud and clear. I would even say be crystal clear, my friend.’’ Hoping the voice was indeed my friend.

I waited for an answer, for some sort of reaction. After all, wasn’t I challenging a Divine source of knowledge? or was it a mind game from my to-be-tamed device?

It was getting clear that this one-to-one conversation was surreal, yet the identification of the soul and human could be codes or clues. I decided to remember them and write them down. I could not remember them, I needed to remember them!

I decided to breathe in and relax, I knew like the oxygen coming in and out of my lungs, that relaxation was key to taming the untrained mind.

I took a series of 3 breathing exercises, an inspiration counting 1 to 3, a hold 1 to 4 and an expiration 1 to 7.

While I was breathing, the voice barged in.

‘‘Dear soul number 001AABBH, you want crystal clear, right? Here you go. Nothing is better than pictures.’’

Suddenly I find myself in a download of images, sceneries, situations, people, universes, training and outfits exchange. I had wings! These images poured into me with a splash of light like never before. I was light! I saw features, places and materials, I heard sounds and wonders I had never as a human experienced.

‘‘Was I going mad? Was I on drugs? I don’t do drugs other than sugar once in a while. What was happening to me? The dream or hallucination was too real! It was scary’’.

I immersed in pictures, actually, I was living the scenes. I was an important character in the whole story. I saw gold and coral, I saw spaceships and I was a co-captain of one of them. My higher self was the captain, she had radiant light within and out of her.

Well, that was not a surprise, the captain was a woman and she was fierce. I was working with her. I was impressed by my competency and command of the story.

The universe was dazzling with power, confidence, hope, conquering and harmony.

‘‘Harmony’’ was the word that I pronounced when I woke up from that imposed divine download. I spoke vividly and felt Harmony.

I pulled myself up, I was shaken by the experience and puzzled by reality and dream.

‘‘I question my existence and saw an existence I would die to live for real.’’

I wondered if I had understood the ‘‘it’s not fair’’? I wondered if seeing the possibilities and feeling harmony answered the question ‘‘it’s not fair?’’.

I reflected on the frustration of an exploratory soul that lives adventures beyond understanding. Who has to live as a human and not remember the magnitude of her existence in this material world? It felt like another world. It was out of space and time, within a reality deprived of humans.

I started feeling philosophical, as always thinking about the paradox of being a divine soul with a badass capacity and competency living a human life not remembering any of it. In each life (if we reincarnate) we remember just the essence of it and live to our truest, but we can never live to our fullest as the badass souls we are.

I thought it was sad and hopeful to envision that we accept to live this human experience knowing who we are.

1. We birth and forget
2. We live to unlearn to be a human
3. to eventually find harmony with our Divine.

Just enough to gather momentum and remember at once when we come back again as a human.

I thought: I would love to birth and remember it all. I wonder if it would be heaven or hell.