Slave of love

Her name is Sevasna. She’s 28 years old. She lived with her parents and three sisters. She got lots of friends, from different circles. From each of them, she believed she gained a nemesis. Nemesis, not because she can’t win over them, but because the animosity couldn’t be settled. Each of them has a silent war waged since Sevasna corrected a grammar, called out their bluff, or simply annoyed with her spirits. But then, they’re still friends. Sevasna pretends she doesn’t see their hatred, but she sees it, as clear as the blue sky. She snub it with her own indifference. 

She’s never close with her parents. Needless to say, she never had any emotional conversations with them. Nor to her sisters. But she badly wanted to. She wants to have that mother-daughter heart to heart talk, late night talks with her sisters, or a life talks over a cup of coffee or a bottle of draft beer with her older sister. Although they never had emotional connection, she knows she love them so much. Especially, her mother. She once said that she might die when her mom will. Of course, she’s not expressive. She finds it too twee, or rather, too late. In her age, at this time. 

A lot has happened in her life and it would be too late for her mom to catch up. She can’t start at what is happening now to her, because everything, will come down from her past and she can’t talk about it to them. Not anymore. Again, it’s too late. 

As she sips her Macchiato Coffee at some internationally renowned coffee shop, she look at all the people passing outside the glass where she is sitting. She wonders what they are suffering right now. She will look at their faces, what they’re carrying, how they walk, how they talk, then judge what their current situation is. 

She sees a pregnant twenty-ish girl in cute dress and thought she might be carrying it alone, the baby will be born without a father. When a young man in gray suit, closes his laptop, stands from the table in front of him, checks his watch and walks out of the coffee shop, she said, “He’s selling houses. But his client ditched him.” She shakes her head and laugh derisively to herself. 

A bony teenager with puffy red eyes and has skin like Dracula entered the shop, she said, “How can they allow addicts to roam around in broad daylight.” Shakes her head again, and sip her coffee. After some time, she realized she’s been judging this people negatively, like they must be in a bad situation for her to feel good that time. Subconsciously, she doesn’t want them to have a good life when she’s having none of it. She chides herself and sank back in her seat. That laughs from that judgment had escaped her and she’s back on her loathsome unlucky fate. Life is so unfair. She concluded. 

From an outsiders’ view, Sevasna look like a harmless woman having an afternoon coffee while killing some time before she gets to her next activity for that day. In reality, she doesn’t have anymore activity after. Didn’t have any since she woke up this Sunday morning at 8:32 AM. That blue and white striped three-fourth sleeves tucked in a high-waisted skinny jeans that perfectly embrace her small curves made her sweat under the heat of the sun when she walked down from one store to another. And her black Suede sandals that shows off her beautiful nails painted in wine red, hurts her feet. The laptop that weighted down her arms from carrying it around is sitting on her table, unopened. Well, it has been opened and close a couple of times in one hour that she’s sitting in there, now it’s close. She feels like a pretentious bitch waiting for some Dirty Old Man to pick her up. She feels like she wore that outfit so she won’t be judged as a whore when the DOM would come pick her up. She just would look like an agent, a coordinator of some event, or a friend for a long time. 

But that’s not the case. She’s there because last night, she got up from her bed, found her annoying inactive phone, feeling all the rage from being betrayed, insulted and hurt, deleted all contacts with Alexander, including blocking him from all her social media accounts. Then she woke up this morning, missing him terribly bad, hating her system for betraying her too. But her already ruined dignity and self-respect, refused to unblock him. She owed that much to herself to serve them. 

However, her heart bribed them with a promise that this will be the last time. So her already ruined dignity and self-respect allowed her to go to his favorite coffee shop, and made her wait there. She knows he’ll be there in an hour. He goes to the gym beside the coffee shop at 10:00 AM, get out at 12:00 PM, grab some coffee, before returning to his temporary residence—a condominium downtown. 

She knows he won’t avoid her once she’s already there. She checked her phone. The time says it’s 11:45. Fifteen more minutes. She relaxed herself. Take a sip again of her already cold coffee. The bartender discreetly glance in her direction from time to time. She meets his glare. She scans the whole place and finds that it’s not full nor there’s a line of people waiting to be seated. She returns her gaze to the bartender and give him a look that made him shake his head and mind his own business. 

She opens her laptop, she admires her reflection in the black screen before turning it on. “This beauty must not chase a man.” She said with such confidence and finality that made her stomach rumbles. Either she’s starving or it’s her body snickering in that pretentious remark. She glance at the time in her computer screen. Thirty minutes past twelve. She almost panicked with the thought that he might not going in today, but when the entrance little bell sounded, she quickly raised her head. Like her system already knew who will enter. Her heart didn’t beat like it will explode. Her hands aren’t clammy. She’s just nonchalantly looking at him while sipping her coffee. Then she pretended to be typing something in the Notepad of her computer. This feels so natural. She thought to herself. I’m a natural con artist.

“Hey, babe.” 

She glance up cooly, smiled, and cleared the table for him. She slid her notebook and pens im her bag before closing her laptop. 

“What’s up?” He said again. 

She took a deep breath and fight hard not to roll her eyes. 

“Well, it’s been two week since we last saw each other. Then you stop replying to my messages and didn’t pick up my calls. A lot has happened. I can summarized what’s up in two days, not two weeks.” She said in surprisingly calm tone. 

“Okay. Fair enough.” He replies then start eating his lasagna.

“Why are you doing this?” She asked, then sipped her coffee. 

“Are you not having lunch? And isn’t coffee bad for your stomach?” He commented. 

For a second, she coiled in his concern. But his nonchalance in not communicating irked her and her hatred settled back as quickly as it evaporated. 

“Stop feigning your concern. You don’t care about me. So let’s settle this. If you want to end this tell me now already and I won’t bother you anymore.” She sound so casual as if having sex and letting men go is an everyday happenstance to her. 

Alexander just look at her with a perplex face. Like she’s talking gibberish. Like she’s barking on the wrong tree. The missing gesture in his reaction is looking dor someone behind to make sure he’s the one she’s sending the message to. 

“What the hell, Alexander!” She might have increased her voice a little to earned a disapproving stare from the coffee shop’s customers, including the bartender. It’s not that it her first time getting a disapproving stare, sometimes it’s even a derisive look. She calmed herself again and remembers how much attention they are already getting because of their situation. Alexander is a black american, 6 feet 5 inches tall with a huge sculpted body. Sevasna is a feet smaller, with a petite body type. They always attract unnecessary attention. In their initial meetings, she subconsciously stand a little away from him when they walk. Alexander once brought it up and she becomes aware the next time they were together. She had grown to be comfortable in his presence, but not the people around them. Now, Alexander’s face is full of annoyance. He hates it when people stare at him. Mostly because they stare down. “Sorry.” She mumbled. 

“What do you want?” He asked. 

“I want you to be honest with what you feel. Just, tell me you don’t like me anymore.” She begged. 

“What? Why would I do that?” Again, she coiled. The last time she asked what is she to him, he answered, ‘the love of my life’. But then he send mixed signals by not communicating often when they’re apart, so he doubt if he’s just playing her with words. 

She slumped on her seat and rub her eyes before crossing her arms on her chest. She heaved a deep breath. “Uggh. Alexander. I’m tired.”

“Well, go home and rest. Are you sure you don’t want lunch?” He said as he forked the remaining dish on his plate. 

“That’s not what I mean.” She said in between clenched teeth. 

“Okay.” He slurp half of his oreo shakes before returning it to the table. 

“I love you, Alexander. I allowed myself to be vulnerable and gullible because I wanted us. I wanted this. But it seems that you’re not committed to be committed with me. And I just want you to be honest with me. That’s all. And I’ll move on. I cannot understand how hard it is, for a grown up man like you to be so irresponsible. How do you find it easy to ignore me and hard to tell me upfront or through chat that you’re done with me. I cannot know anything when you’re not sending me messages. Even if they say not messaging is already a message. That’s just bullshit. I need words.” She said this so fast like there’s a bomb ticking but instead of it exploding, Alexander will disappear. 

“Geez. Did you write that down and memorize it?” He said but no ounce of mockery in his voice. 

“Uggh. You’re impossible. Why don’t you just answer me directly?” She’s impatient now. She grab her coffee and suddenly squemish with its cold taste. Like it was hot a second ago. 

“Come on. Let me change from this clothes, then we’ll go watch a movie. I have bought tickets for the last full show later.”

“What’s the movie?” 

“You’ll know later.”

They got up and hailed a taxi. 

As the driver starts the car, Alexander’s hand settled in her lap, moving up. She stares at the buildings outside. Thinking she needs someone to tell about her situation. Someone to yell at her to stop what she’s doing to herself. Someone she can trust not to judge her. She can think of no one. She’s alone. Even with Alexander, she’s alone. 

She softly moaned as he kisses her neck and inserted his hand inside her blouse. Although her image is cancelled from the rearview mirror and Alexander’s built perfectly dwarfed her, their frolick is not oblivious to the experienced cab driver. In consideration, he turned the volume of the radio a little higher. She becomes a little comfortable and adjusted herself. She allowed herself to enjoy the sensation of what Alexander is doing to her. 

This will be a long afternoon. And her dress will be soiled before they reach the cinema later tonight. She thought. 

Sevasna meet Alexander’s hot gaze, and reach for his lips.