Hand-Me-Down

You’ve trained all your life for this, you’ll be fine. That’s what everyone told her after they learned the first team failed.

But, sitting by her father’s bedside, she couldn’t help but think they were wrong. After all, he’d also prepared his whole life and yet here he was, nearly dead, one of two to survive. And he’d trained her, so how could she do any better? 

Ellie stood, looking at Maksim’s lifeless body, the rise and fall of his chest only visible because she’d been staring at him for so long. 

“How could you lose?” She asked, her voice hoarse. “How could you let this happen? How am I supposed to win when you lost?” 

Ellie knew he could respond, but his silence made her angry nonetheless. 

“I hate you, you know? You never respected me no matter how hard I tried.”

She took a shaky breath, closing her eyes to try and block out the scene in front of her only to find it was plastered to the walls of her mind. 

“Loser. Weak. Stupid. That’s what you always told me, right? You said I was nothing and now look at you, a half-dead failure.”

She couldn’t believe he was going to go and die before she could prove herself. 

“I hate you. I hate you so much.” 

She knew she was crying, but she didn’t feel anything but anger. Her legs were shaking, but she couldn’t tell if it was anger, exhaustion, or despair. It was probably all three. 

“Quit laying there and get up.” She knew she was being too loud. This was a hospital and it was early enough that the sun hadn’t risen. “What makes you think you can just give up?”

She’d been seven when he first hit her. She’d tried to skip out on training for the day, wanting to play with Fyodor. She hadn’t even thought to hide from him. She hadn’t realized how much he hated her.

Before she could even try to explain herself, he slapped her. 

Her mother told her Maksim did it because he cared. She tried to explain that because Ellie was the only one of her siblings with magic, he felt he had to be strict with her. 

When she was fourteen and hadn’t shown enough improvement, he switched from soft practice swords to solid wooden ones. She’d end up with bruises up and down her body, the pain never seeming to subside. Usually, it was her arms or her sides, but she always remembered the day he hit her in the neck. She’d collapsed and even though she was used to pain, this hurt so much more than anything she’d felt before. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Maksim towered over Ellie, fire in his eyes and venom in his voice. “Do you think this is a game?” 

“No, Sir,” Ellie said, trying to hide her tears. “I swear I’m trying.” 

“Can you even make a shield?” He asked, kneeling next to her and raising his hand. 

She tried, but her magic wouldn’t listen to her, the shield only coming to life for a moment.

When it disappeared, he slapped her and she begged her magic to cooperate for once. 

But of course, it did.

Grabbing her by the collar, Maksim dragged Ellie to her feet and punched her. 

“I’m glad my father isn’t alive to see how much of a disgrace you are.” He punched her again. “If you can’t stop a fist, how do you expect to become a protector? You’re a loser. You’re nothing. You’re just a worthless, pathetic, idiot.”

He let go and she fell in a pile on the floor, waiting for him to either leave or finally kill her. 

“You’re a disgrace,” Ellie told him, tears running down her cheeks. “You always made me get back up and now you think you can just lie there? You think you can just die without facing the fact that I’m better than you?”

She couldn’t take the silence anymore, it was driving her crazy. Maybe that’s why she was yelling in a hospital. Maybe she hoped her yelling could get through to him. Maybe she hoped it could wake the Gods from their eternal slumber. 

She hadn’t learned much of the religious texts, she had been too busy training, but there were parts that everyone knew.

“In the Gods’ infinity, I find solace. In a finite human life, I find truth. The Gods made humans as imperfect versions of themselves because in that imperfection power can bloom. An infinite life breeds infinitesimal thinking. Humans live and die to improve the world. Evil can be born there, but it will not thrive, for life and death balances all. The truth of humanity is that there must be humility in the gods’ infinity just as there should be pride in a human’s finite life.” 

The Protectors had a mantra that came from that passage, which was the only reason Ellie ever learned it. It was probably also why she liked it so much. 

That passage had been the one to bring her comfort for years, but now it left her feeling hollow. 

Ellie’s legs finally gave out and she let herself fall to the ground next to the hospital bed. The floor was hard and cold, but she didn’t mind. At least it wasn’t the padded flooring that haunted her nightmares.

Ellie pulled her knees to her chest, dropping her face so her knees pressed into her eyes. 

“I know human life is finite, but please, don’t let this be the end.”

She hated him. She really, truly hated him. He beat her because she couldn’t control her magic, but it was his fault she couldn’t control it in the first place. She was so afraid of him that as a child, she’d continuously lost control. That just made him angrier and the cycle continued, getting worse and worse. 

She hated him and he hated her, that was just how it was. 

“I hate you,” she muttered again. “But I don’t think I want you to die.”

He was still her father and no matter how much she wanted him to leave her alone, she didn’t want him to die. She didn’t want anyone to die. 

The hospital room door opened and Ellie got to her feet as quickly as she could, wiping away tears.

“Ellie.” It was Skye, the healer on their team. “There’s only a few hours before we leave, what do you want to do?” 

Ellie looked at Maksim one more time, hoping to see something other than the faint rise and fall of his chest. She closed her eyes and let the Protector’s mantra fall from her lips, barely louder than a breath.

“There is humility in the gods’ infinity and there is pride in a human’s finite life.” 

Her father might be as good as dead, but if she didn’t get her shit together, the rest of the world would be too. 

Ellie turned, not opening her eyes until she was looking at Skye, Maksim safely at her back. 

“Get the others. We need to prepare.”