What Advantage

Come into my mind and stay awhile. Please stay and don't leave and let me indulge because it is all I have. In the world, you see, I am a man who talks and fixes problems over the phone and goes home and eats and sleeps and answers the phone with a cheery voice so you will leave me a good score so I can keep my job and punches out and makes dinner and sleeps and passes on the hard problems to a supervisor and complies with your demands and listens to you vent and asks you personal questions to try and be relatable and works overtime when there is a crisis and never takes time off because our lines are open 24/7 and orders pizza to home and stays up too late playing games and answers the phone not too happily and my supervisor has to have a conversation and it is one day until my day off but I need to drink so I go and am ten minutes late to my shift which means I have points on my record and my supervisor doesn't talk to me but he looks at me and I know what it means but the day is over but this customer is still on the line and I cannot leave until the call is over and the customer is not mean but they are slow and this problem will not resolve itself and why can't I go home yet and finally the bill is paid and I hang up and start the weekend an hour late.

This is my week in the world, but in my mind there are no weeks, there is no time. And there I can think and be happy unless I think too much about the past.

I used to think there was a plan for my life. I went to school and went to college and after college I got a job and then I did not know what to do. It is a lie, a trick that they tell you in order to keep you hurtling towards an adult life. Always they asked me what I wanted to do and I said, "live." That would always make them laugh but what I really wanted to say was, "that is a stupid question. Right now I am hungry so I want to eat. Maybe later I will go to the movies and then I will probably want to go to sleep." What I want to do changes from moment to moment and the real question you mean to ask is, "how are you going to make money."

"How am I going to make that much money?" The man on the other side of the phone said.

"Do you work?" I said.

"Yeah but-"

"Make a budget."

"I try to but it never works."

"Here I can point you to some resources we have that will help you make a budget."

"But the interest-"

"I cannot do anything about the interest, but I can point you to some resources. If it doesn't help after a month call us back and we can work out a loan."

"Can't we do that now?"

"The budget is the first step. If it does not work then we will try the next step. We will help you, don't worry. What is better for you is better for us because you are a customer."

"I... okay."

"Thank you for calling sir, please stay on the line for a survey." I hung up the phone and looked at the man's account. He had been defaulting for two years. I knew the budget would not work and then he would be paying the company interest for the rest of his life, but I could not tell him that on the work phone because it was recorded. I memorized the number, closed the window, and took the next call.

Why did I memorize the number? I could not tell you. Sometimes I dream about doing something drastic but I never do. I take steps in my mind but I never do it. Maybe that is why I memorized the number. I was taking the first dream step.

I repeated the number to myself between calls to make sure I remembered it. I would get fired if I made any personal contact with the man. It was required for all customer service agents, but it was even more important for me because I was a collections agent. It is a fancy name for a job about reminding people they have debt.

I ordered pizza to home and turned on the game but I didn't want to play. My eyes hurt from staring at a screen all day and I couldn't stop thinking about the man and his number. Normally I play the game to distract me from life for awhile even if my eyes hurt but tonight I did not want to. I put the controller down and picked up my phone.

"Hello, who is this?"

I hung up.

What was I going to do? Give the man money? I had looked at his account and I did not have twenty thousand dollars to spare. I put down the phone and picked up the controller.

In the game I flew a space-ship and shot things and collected loot and upgraded my space-ship and shot things and collected resources and built a base and shot things and upgraded my ship. It was not a hard game but it was not easy and it was pretty to watch and it made me feel like I was good at something and every time I played I collected more things and made progress in the pixel vacuum of space. I did not make steady progress like that in life. That is why I played the game, at least that is why I think I played it. Sometime we do things and we do not know why.

I could not forget about the number even though it was the weekend and I try to forget about my job on the weekend. I played the game all day and drank some wine until I did not like the taste of it and then I slept in on Monday. My weekend was Sunday and Monday because call centers do not guarantee a normal schedule.

I still could not forget about the number so I decided to do something drastic. I went to the church.

I am not religious but I like the architecture so sometimes when I feel like doing something drastic I go and sit in the stone church. I like looking at the light raying through the stained glass windows sparkling motes of dust and listening to the echos of centuries of prayers hanging in the air and it makes my soul quiet.

I still could not forget about the number even though my soul was quiet so I opened a bible. I have read it once just to say I have because it is historically important but most of what I read I do not remember. I opened up to the part I remembered and read it again: "What advantage does man have in all his work which he does under the sun? A generation goes and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever. Also, the sun rises and the sun sets; and hastening to its place it rises there again."

The rays fell on the waxy thin pages and I lingered on the words. I thought that accepting my work as meaningless would be depressing, but it was freeing. I felt lighter. I had been trying to believe that what I was doing meant something because the first half of my life pushed me to, but I knew it was a lie and a trick. If King Solomon agreed with me then I guess it was okay. I left the church with a quiet and free soul.

I called the man again and told him not to take the second step in the plan. I told him how it would trap him and that the best way to deal with his debt was to budget and use better tools than the ones the company made. I also told him not to take a payday loan and to open a credit building loan instead. I do not know if I helped, but I did what I could and sometimes when I go to the church I think about the man and ask God to help him. I still to do it even though they fired me but I don't care. I found another job that pays about the same and it is not the meaning of my life but that's okay.