A Fluke of Emails

Email 1:

From: spond8099@textrite.com

To: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

Date: March 13, 2020

Standard encryption

Hello, Amelia,

Do you think you could help me out when you get the chance? I’m in a bit of a predicamet. My hands are tied around my back.

Thank you.

-Stephen Pond

Email 2:

From: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

To: spond8099@textrite.com

Date: March 13, 2020

Standard encryption

Hey Stephen,

Yes, I can see what I can do. I’m still stuck in my house today. It seems like the flu decided to mix in with the pollen season here. I’m sick as a dog!

What’s the problem?

Best regards,

Amelia Sickle

Email 3:

From: spond8099@textrite.com

To: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

Date: March 13, 2020

Standard encryption

You are a Saint! I am so sorry your not feeling well. I guess we’re in the same boat.

I’m quarantined overseas right now, and I am in some deep shit. I own the Malfia a lot of money, More than what’s in my bank account right now! I can’t even access my information right now to pay them half of it.

Can you help me pay them back?

-SP

Email 4:

From: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

To: spond8099@textrite.com

Date: March 13, 2020

Standard encryption

Stephen,

Oh, my god! What have you gotten yourself into? Can you call me right now to fill me in? What are you sick with, by the way?

Amelia Sickle

Email 5:

From: spond8099@textrite.com

To: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

Date: March 13, 2020

Standard encryption

Sweet Amy,

I have the most rarest form of a virus that has no known cure. I’m a ticking TIME bomb. Please help me by paying off my debts! You would make me a very happy man in death.

All the mob needs is the account information from your bank. The Godfather gave me. His. word. That he will not take out more than what I own him. And you have my word. That I will not share this information with ANYONE!

I love you so much. Please get back to me soon.

-SP

Email 6:

From: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

To: spond8099@textrite.com

Date: March 14, 2020

Standard encryption

Hey Stephen,

How much money do you own the Mafia, and what did you do to piss them off?

Amelia Sickle

Email 7:

From: spond8099@textrite.com

To: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

Date: March 14, 2020

Standard encryption

I just need you to trust me, dear. The doctor says I don’t have much time left. I’ve already been in a comoa more than ONCE.

PLEEASE hurry and send me that information.

-SP

Email 8:

From: spond8099@textrite.com

To: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

Date: March 21, 2020

Standard encryption

Dear Amelia,

Where are those bank numbers? I’m running out of time, here.

-SP

Email 9:

From: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

To: spond8099@textrite.com

Date: March 23, 2020

Standard encryption

Stephen,

You got my hands tied behind my back. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on. I’m not a magician.

Stop avoiding my questions or just call me already. I’m really worried about you.

Amelia Sickle

Email 10:

From: spond8099@textrite.com

To: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

Date: March 23, 2020

Standard encryption

Please Amelia,

The Godfather is getting impatient with me. He sent his men to come kill me before the virus does. You said you would help me, but then you left me to die!

Don’t you remember all the good memories we’ve shared in our marriage? What about the day we first met and you helped me get over my X-girlfriend? Doesn’t that ALL mean anything to YOU?!

I guess not.

just send me your account information so I can rest in peace. I can’t handle anymore troubles with my weak heart.

-SP

Email 11:

From: spond8099@textrite.com

To: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

Date: March 30, 2020

Standard encryption

Amelia,

I was able to be moved to a secure place. The Godfather of the Malfia can’t find me now, but I am slowly going into the LIGht. JESUS is almost ready to take me to Heavan. Even now, my personal nurse is typing this email to you. She is so kind. I can barely move.

Do you have those account numbers yet?

-SP

Email 12:

From: spond8099@textrite.com

To: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

Date: April 6, 2020

Standard encryption

Dear Amelia,

Do you have those bank numbers yet? I’m running out of time, here.

I’m really starting to doubt your heart. It’s not in the right place. What would my fans think of you when I make a post about how you won’t save me? That’s not going to look good for you AT ALL.

Even my nurse agrees with me. She would pay the money to the Malfia in a heartbeet if she wasn’t payd so little. I love her so much.

Help me one last time, PLEASE. Maybe I’ll go easy on you in our divorce papers if I live to see CHRISTMAS.

-SP

Email 13:

From: amelia.sickle@rofl.com

To: spond8099@textrite.com

Date: April 6, 2020

Standard encryption

Stephen,

I’m shocked you’re still alive since you said you were a ticking time bomb. Tell your doctor I said hi and want the cure for whatever you have, just in case it spreads to my hometown.

First off, I didn’t know you were bisexual, much less something happened with your marriage to Kirby. I thought you two were doing great in Thailand. I saw your Instagram posts, especially the one with you guys kissing for your anniversary last night. Too cute!

I do have a distinct memory of us on a balcony once when we were in college. You told me that girls, like me, are gross and no fun, so men were going to be the only thing that would please you at night. You are also heavily quoted by your fans for saying that “Men are delicious with a glass of wine”. Who knew you could change so fast!

Good times, though. Good times!

Finally, no, I’m not going to send you my banking information. Although I have a big heart, I don't have a small brain. Didn’t you have an interview a few months ago that you were doing well after getting a role in a comedy? You said you were set for life, so why are you contacting me to begin with?

Not to mention that one time you told me you have a funny way of hiding money on you without pockets. When we got into that car wreck from drinking too much, you already had the down payment for the insurance fee. That’s how your paying for your medical bills now, right?

By the way, if the MAFIA does come knocking your door down again, just threaten to cough, sneeze, or lick them on the face. I’m sure that virus is deadlier than their guns or fists any day if you are in a state where you can’t walk.

Do not try to contact me again. Have a jolly afterlife!

Yours truly,

Amelia Sickle

Author's Note: Amelia Sickle blocked the email. She has not heard from spond8099 ever since.