The Bullet That Changed Forever

I don’t think he knew I noticed him. After all, he was the shy kid, never speaking and hardly breathing. I wished I could’ve talked to him more than I did. I thought of all the times my friends had pushed me into him and we all laughed heartlessly. 

I remember one day, in class when my friends had purposefully dumped glue all over his seat. He sat in it without realizing it was there. The whole class burst out laughing. Even after they stopped I still heard it. I could see his cheeks redden and his eyes glisten with tears. A single tear spilled over.

My friends looked at me, disgusted, “Why aren’t you laughing?” Michelle said, arching a brow and looking me up and down. I had always hated Michelle; she just had a really punchable face I guess. She was the reason I had gotten into this “squad,” as she called it. She apparently decided I was pretty enough to be suitable for their league of snobby popular girls. 

          “‘Cause it’s not funny,” I said, gripping my pencil with all my strength. 

Michelle scoffed and went back to laughing with the rest of the crowd. After the bell rang, I ran after him and tapped him on the shoulder. When he looked at me, it was like a small light turned on inside him that had never been turned on before. I don’t know what it was.

“Hey,” I said, trying to keep my anxious voice from trembling. “I’m Zoey.”

“I know,” he said, fixing his glasses up on the bridge of his nose.

“Oh, you do? How?” I asked, realizing I already knew the obvious answer. 

“Yeah, you’re in my English class? The one we just came out of?” 

It was my turn to be embarrassed now. I saw a slight smile curve at the edges of his mouth and a tiny bit of his crooked teeth showed. 

“I’m Cody, but I’m sure you didn’t know that.” 

“I did.” I said, “I’ve noticed you a few times” 

“Like today?” 

I looked up at the ceiling and pretended that I saw something interesting up there. How was I supposed to tell him that I’d witnessed the most humiliating moment of his highschool life? 

“Um, Yeah…” I said. 

He nodded sadly, twiddling with his thumbs. I saw his hands shaking slightly but didn’t know why.

“Zoey!” Dylan yelled behind me. I really didn’t want to see Dylan right then. It was a guy my friends had set me up with. He was one of those dumb jocks you would see in teen movies. Literally, he acted like he was from High School Musical. He was so oblivious and clearly had no empathy. Our relationship was just for display, and I hated it. Still, I didn’t say anything and just went along with it.

I turned around and saw him beaming at me. He hugged me right in front of Cody, and suddenly I felt guilty. I could see Cody disappear in my peripheral vision. Suddenly there was a pinch in my stomach.

"Who’s that guy?” Dylan asked me, trying to hold in his laugh.

I looked into his big blue eyes and ran my fingers through his shining blonde hair. “No one you should be concerned about. Just- he’s nobody.” 

In that moment I swallowed my guilt and realized who I was. I was the cheer captain and I was dating the quarterback of the football team. Sure he was a little dim witted, but I knew I was living every high school girl's dream. So why would I waste it talking to people who don’t matter? I knew my place and I knew who I truly was. My thoughts of Cody vanished because I had no place near him.

 At lunch, Michelle and Stacy were gossiping with Claudia and Layla. Originally, I wasn’t a part of “the squad” but Michelle took me under her wing and snatched me from all of my other two friends. I used to be in the robotics club with them before Michelle demanded I leave because it was too nerdy.

Stacy giggles at something Claudia said. “Did you hear?” Claudia asked, turning to me with wide eyes and smacking her gum right in my face.

“What?” I asked, pretending to care.

“Laura Mason’s mom wouldn’t let her go to the dance last night because she wanted to spend the twenty bucks on cigarettes instead of her daughter.” 

We all burst out laughing even though deep down inside I knew it wasn’t really funny. But, of course it was. “Imagine having a mom like that,” I said.

When I look back on how I used to act, it makes me want to vomit. I thought being popular would fill all of the empty gaps in my heart, fix every problem, but it only made it worse. 

Eventually, all of my friends got into drugs and alcohol. I wasn’t willing to abuse my body just to keep friends I didn’t even like. The two friends I used to have despised me by then for leaving them after they had been kind and welcoming to me. All of the squad, however, eventually got expelled for sneaking into the school at night. They became the number one gossip topic of the school. 

Before all that happened, though, they completely cut me off and stopped inviting me to parties and hangouts. At the end of the day, the only thing I looked forward to was Cody in English class. I barely ever spoke to him, which still makes me sad. I hate how I used to be and I hate how I am. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened if the tiny things back in high school had changed. 

The day before everything happened, Dylan broke up with me while we were on our way to eighth period. He confessed that he had been cheating on me our whole relationship and couldn’t take the burden anymore. I sobbed all the way to class. I could feel Cody’s eyes following me as I walked to my seat. I wanted to go home before anyone else saw my crying. I could hear Michelle and Claudia whispering about me like they had been doing since sophomore year. A fire started burning in my stomach and my mind. Tears were filling my eyes and I realized that I was done with it. All of it.

"What's wrong, poor baby?" Claudia snarled, "Cat got your tongue?"

She and Michelle snickered as I tried everything in my power to not punch her in the throat. Instead, I threw all of her school books on the floor and her phone into the wall. Her phone shattered and landed on the floor. I felt guilty immediately.

Mr. Reed walked in from the hall, saw the aftermath of what I had done, and without saying a word dialed a number in the school phone and whispered to an unknown person.

Before I knew it Vice Principal Smith was escorting me out of the classroom and taking me to the office. She scolded me and called my parents. I was shaking with fear. Mom picked me up, apologizing for my behavior over and over. By the time we finally got into the car my head was throbbing. The car ride home was painfully silent. I looked up at my mom and regretted it immediately, she was glaring at me through the rear-view mirror.

“I can’t believe you would do something like this. It’s unexpectable! It’s… it’s just disappointing.” 

That night I stayed in my room and didn't come out. I heard my parents from their bedroom mumbling about me. I got dizzy from how much I cried. I had lost everything and I felt as if life couldn't get any worse. It wasn't fair that Claudia and Michelle treated me so horribly. Of course I lost my cool! 

Some small part of me wanted to apologize, but a much bigger part wished I would’ve just accepted the consequences and slammed both their heads into a wall.

The next morning I dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie and slipped Crocs on my feet. I didn't eat breakfast or lunch and went to eighth period as hungry as I'd ever been. I saw Cody and he smiled at me, but I couldn't muster up the strength to smile back. Mr. Reed barely looked at me the whole class. I was fine with that.

Suddenly it was like the whole world had stopped. The clock seemed to stop ticking and everyone seemed to stop breathing. And then I heard it; gunshots. Mr. Reed put his dry erase marker down with a shaky hand and ushered us to the back of the classroom. He lined us up against the cabinets and whispered for us to be quiet. Right before he turned off the light switch I saw a single tear run down his wrinkly face. 

I heard more gunshots and people screaming and more gunshots and people screaming and then the footsteps got quicker, heavier, louder. The small glass window in the door was shattered by the huge rifle the shooter was holding. He tried to kick down the door but was unsuccessful. I saw Cody gripping his cross necklace then he kissed it. He scooted close to me and whispered, 

“I’m sorry.” 

“What?” I said. 

But before my brain could process anything, Cody grabbed a chair and attempted to make the shooter flee. And then that was the final gunshot I heard. Followed by a thud on the floor. 

“No!” I screeched. 

I heard heavy footsteps then someone hollering, 

“Police department, put your hands up!” 

The rest of that day was a blur because I think I passed out from seeing Cody’s dead body laying on the floor in a pool of blood. 

The next day, there were news stations everywhere showcasing the school and recognizing Cody who lost his life. I was interviewed and was asked gut wrenching questions. 

“Describe Cody in one word.” 

“He was very courageous.” I sniffled, “He had courage that I didn’t even know was possible for such a shy person like him to have.” 

The news reporter looked pleased with my answer as if that was the only thing that mattered. But the only thing that mattered was the thought of never seeing Cody again. The sad thing was, there were only four people at his funeral. His mom, his dad, his little sister Mary, and me. His mom was the one who was the most wrecked. She screamed and cried when she saw Cody’s body in the casket. I didn’t know what to do since I knew telling people that their deceased loved ones are “in a better place” makes matters worse.

And till this day, even as that event took place seventeen years ago I wish that It was me who died that afternoon and not Cody.