Missing Magic

I open my eyes as I hear the familiar tune from my alarm. I remain laying there, barely awake, letting the alarm repeat itself as I struggle to remember what I was just dreaming about. It only takes a few more seconds for the sound of the alarm to become too repetitive for my taste, so I scramble to reach for my phone to shut it down.

It's six in the morning and the sun isn’t quite up yet. I get up to wash my face, eat some not-so-fresh bread, and prepare instant coffee before going back to my room to get ready for work. I open the computer and attempt to make my face look presentable for the daily meeting.

The past months of working like this have been quite a drag, but I admit that there’s something peaceful about being in your own space and just having a moment to yourself at this time of day.

I finish the last few sips of my coffee and put it away, just in time before the meeting starts. I open the call and find that I’m the first one there, which is nothing new. It usually takes people a few more minutes to show up.

I rest my eyes for a few more minutes as I wait for people to show up. When I’m finally fully awake, I look back up at the computer to see that I’m still the only one there. Confused, I open my emails to check if I missed something. Maybe the meeting today was cancelled or postponed for whatever reason, which is fine, but quite strange since this had never happened before. I refresh the page and check my recent emails, but there’s nothing about today’s meeting. I open my phone to text a co-worker, but I pause when I see the date on the lock screen.

It's December 24^th. It’s Christmas Eve. And I just completely forgot about it.

I close my computer in silence, wondering how I could forget what day today was. I climb back to bed and stare at the ceiling, confused and questioning how real time is.

I used to look forward to Christmas time as a child—the presents, the parties, the whole spirit of Christmas—it was all so magical in my eyes. I always felt like I was just waiting for it to be Christmas again.

Unfortunately, the magic wore off a little bit as I grew up, no matter how much I didn’t want it to. Still, the good memories attached to the season are hard to erase, so it still holds a special place in my heart.

I remember last Christmas, when I would go to malls to buy presents for my parents and for myself. I would browse through stores, looking in at awe at all the discounted stuff I could get as Christmas-themed music played throughout the building. Even though there were deadlines to be met and other things to worry about, Christmas season was the time where I allowed myself the luxury of spoiling myself for getting through the year in one piece.

If only I knew then what was in store for next year.

It didn’t take too long since that time for everyone’s lives to be changed because of the pandemic. I remember thinking the worst of it would be over after a month—maybe two—but here I am months later, home alone, reminiscing a past that seems like a lifetime ago.

I open a random Christmas playlist and let it play softly in the background, hoping to bring back some of that Christmas cheer. I genuinely didn’t have anything planned for today other than working, just as I’ve done almost every day for the past months.

At the start of quarantine, everybody was scrambling to figure out how to navigate this kind of lifestyle. Nobody really knew what to do—or at least I didn’t—so everything felt new, at the time. After all the practice I’ve had, though, things became stale again and each day just blurred into the next.

I decide to get up and cook something, since I have all the time in the world right now anyway. If it weren’t for the pandemic, I would have visited my parents and celebrated the holidays with them, just like we do every year. We would’ve been grilling steaks, baking cookies, and stuffing ourselves silly with them. We would’ve been opening presents and taking pictures as an old, cheesy holiday movie plays in the background.

Now, all I can do is make a simple dish for one and eat the pre-packaged cookies I got from the store the other week. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s at least something. These days, I feel lucky enough just to be able to eat and work.

Still, it feels a little lonely. I may have been fully prepared to spend the day just like any other, but remembering how things used to be this time of year actually feels a little rough.

My phone rings and snaps me out of my thoughts. I pick it up to see my dad inviting me for a video call. I join to see him and my mom wearing Santa hats and smiling brightly at me.

“Merry Christmas Lily! How are you doing?” My dad says.

“Merry Christmas!” I say, even though it’s not quite Christmas yet. “I’m doing good. Honestly, I almost forgot it was Christmas Eve today.”

They laugh at that, and my heart warms a little. It’s been quite a while since I’ve talked to them, let alone hear their laughter. It was a nice sound to hear.

My mom takes the phone and points the camera at their dining table with a roasted chicken and a store-brought cake on top of it.

“Oh man, I really miss your cooking, mom.” I say as I remember my simple meal from earlier.

“Next time you visit,” she says, “we’ll cook you something nice.”

Next time.

“Really looking forward to it.”

I don’t know when things will return to normal, or if they ever will return to normal, but the thought of it sure is a little comforting.

We end the call after talking a little more, and I’m again faced with the reality of being alone in my small apartment as soft Christmas music starts to play from my phone again. It’s quite funny, maybe quite sad, that everything is so different than it was before, but then we got so used to it that everything’s just the same again.

It’s nice to think about things going back to how they used to be, but after months of the same old thing, it’s hard to imagine that that will ever happen. I guess I’ll just have to be happy with video calls and store-brought cookies.