Granite Countertops

“You got the keys?”

“Unfortunately.”

“Come on, don't be like that. It’s gorgeous!”

“I mean, yeah, it’s gorgeous. That’s why we bought it. That and they were practically giving it away.”

“Look at it! It's huge! It has a stained glass window, for goodness sake. It even has a red door. I always heard red doors were lucky.”

“Do you even hear yourself right now?”

“Whatever. Just open the door.”

“Yes, dear.”

“Look, it’s gorgeous inside too!”

“Holy-- How many cats did they have?”

“They only found the one.”

“Ugh.”

“Okay yeah you’re right, I’ll call in cleaners. It’s really catty in here.”

“Among other things.”

“Don’t.”

“I'm not.”

“Can you just try to keep an open mind?”

“I signed, didn’t I?”

“You did and now it's ours. Okay, I think we’ll probably want to walk in the back door most of the time. It seems weirdly formal to walk into your own house through the front door, doesn’t it? Like, ‘Hello, welcome to the parlor, may I ring for some tea?’”

“You’re silly. It’s not quite that fancy but I get what you mean.”

“The kitchen is super clean! Whoa!”

“I mean. It better be.”

“Yeah. Considering.”

“Not getting weirded out, are you? We can go back to the bank and have them…”

“Have them what, exactly? We entered a contract. We dropped twenty thousand dollars. Do you have this kind of money just lying around? We took out a loan. Do you not care about our credit? A mortgage means --”

“Whoa. Hey. Cool it.”

“...”

“I’m going to try, okay? I’m going to try.”

“...”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

“Nerd.”

“I know.”

“Granite countertops…!”

“Mm, I know. God, I love this color. I wanted granite so bad and look at how huge this kitchen is! Miles of granite!”

“Alright, let’s see the bathroom.”

"Wait, I'm not done with this kitchen!"

"Come on…"

“Okay. Nice! It's not as clean as the kitchen, but pretty nice! Big.”

“Hey, this isn’t bad! I’m finally getting that rain shower!”

“See? Bright spots.”

“You were right, dear. You’re always right.”

“I love it when you say that.”

“Okay, what else should we look at?”

“Master bedroom?”

“Oh yes.”

“Ha-ha. The movers are coming in like 45 minutes.”

“That’s more than enough time!”

“I don't think so. Anyway, I thought you hated this place?”

“Oh, I do! It’s disgusting. I don’t know how we’re going to live here!”

“Stop. Can we just not?”

“No."

"I don't want to talk about this."

"We have to.”

“Why?”

“You can just google this address and see the history. It's the only thing that comes up. Can’t we at least discuss it?”

“No need. We have nothing to do with what happened.”

“Yes, we do. It’s our house. So now we’re involved.”

“But we didn’t do anything!”

“No, obviously not, but people are going to ask questions!”

“And what should we tell them? That we didn’t kill all those people?”

“Well I hope that’d be obvious, but--”

“But what? It’s just a house.”

“A murder house.”

“How could you-- Don’t-- It’s just a house! It’s OUR house!”

“You have to prepare yourself, hon. There are weirdos who already have this place on murder tours--”

“Don’t you ‘hon’ me! I know the history! Okay? Everyone knows the history. Everyone--”

“And that’s exactly why we need to talk about this! Everyone knows the history! People know! People are going to ask! People are going to ask you what it’s like to live in a murder house.”

“Stop saying that. It’s just a house.”

“And it’s just a basement?”

“I told you we’ll get it cemented over. They cleaned it up and stuff, but we’re going to get it filled in. Then yeah, it’s just a basement.”

“They’re not going to be able to cement over what happened here.”

“What are you saying, that it’s haunted? We have ghosts?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Okay, you didn’t hear your voice just now. You totally think this place is haunted.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Why didn’t you say something earlier?”

“What, that I think there’s ghosts?”

“Hah! Did you just admit it?”

“No. Say something about what, ghosts?”

“History. What happened.”

“I mean, you were so excited. You wanted a house and, well, we found one. It’s... Okay, it’s not perfect, but I wanted you to be happy. I mean, maybe we moved too fast, maybe we should have looked at more places --”

“With our budget--”

“And that’s the other thing. You wanted a house with space. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms. A fenced-in yard. A detached garage, granite countertops, gourmet kitchen, hardwood floors - you wanted it all and we found it! We actually found a house that ticked all your boxes! And it was way under budget! Do you realize how unlikely that was? This isn’t exactly a cheap part of town, either. I mean, you wanted everything and we got it. You were so happy.”

“If you didn’t... If you weren’t okay with--”

“You were so happy, hon. I hoped I’d be okay with it. I want to be okay with it.”

“Will you be okay with it, though?”

“I don’t know. I want to be.”

"I hope you can."

"..."

“Should we look in the basement?”

“What? Why?”

“It’s our house. We need to see everything.”

“I saw it in the pictures. That’s good enough for me.”

“That was before they uninstalled all the stuff.”

“Ugh. Don’t remind me.”

“Let’s go see it.”

“No, it’s gross.”

“Didn’t you just get done telling me I need to know everything and be prepared? That everyone else knows everything about this house and they’re going to ask questions?”

“Alright. You’re right, you’re right.”

“Say it again.”

“You’re awful.”

“But you love me.”

“I do.”

“Aw. Okay. Now let’s go down these creepy stairs and see what our nightmares are going to be.”

“After you!”

“Whoa --”

“I thought you said they cleaned up!”

“They did! That’s what the inspector said!”

“This is not clean.”

“I mean, it’s kind of cleaned --”

“Oh my god, no, this is not clean! Look, there’s a stain. An actual stain!”

“It might be water…”

“Are you kidding me? That is not what a water stain looks like! And what is that thing on the wall? What is that? It looks like some kind of… I don’t even know, is that, like… a...”

“I do not want to know.”

“Well, I think I can guess! And I’m betting you wouldn’t find this in anyone else’s basement! We can’t just ignore this! Oh my god…”

“You’re right. It’s… bad.”

“We gotta go back upstairs. Now. I can’t look at this.”

“Yeah.”

“We can’t live here.”

“It’s just the basement. We’re going to get it cemented over. Anyway, the door has a lock.”

“Do locks work against ghosts?”

“I knew it! I knew you were afraid of ghosts!”

“Okay, yes, you’re right. I’m afraid this house is haunted! Happy?”

“Kind of.”

“Seriously, after looking at it, do you not think this place is haunted? Seriously?”

“I mean… maybe?”

“Okay, so now what? We just live in a haunted murder house and pretend everything is fine?"

"We can, like, burn some sage in the fireplace--"

"Please don't mention the fireplace."

"We burn some sage, set up a ton of cameras, maybe call some of those ghost hunter guys--"

"And the cement guys."

"Yeah, definitely the cement guys. Today."

"And a priest."

"Isn't that for demons?"

"How confident are you that there isn't a demon living here?"

"Fine, a priest, too. Maybe some painters to make it feel new. Interior decorators. Ooh, can we get someone to install a surround sound system?"

"Let's not get carried away."

"Okay."

"But I do like talking about how we'll fix it up. Make it ours, you know?"

"Well, I didn't want to spoil the surprise, but since we're talking about renovations and upgrades… I called the pool and spa place."

"No way."

"Yep! We're getting a pool! It's getting installed tomorrow."

"You didn't."

"I did!"

"Really? It's a good thing we got this place for a song."

"I know! I knew you were sad it didn't have a pool! It was the only thing you really, really wanted and the only box that wasn't already ticked."

"Well, now that's everything on the list."

"You happy?"

"I'm warming up to it."

"Good, 'cause the movers are here."