Thoughts in the Jeep...

Nights like this, I love to sit in my Jeep Wrangler and just reflect on my life. On this particular night, though, my mind wandered down the path that I swore I would never go down again. 

            Like an obstacle in my way, “she” stands in front of me; though, her face was blurred out, her arms were wide open as if to embrace me and engulf me in her sea of deception once more. 

This succubus…Was she someone whom I’ve actually had interactions within this lifetime?

“Why did she leave me?” I asked myself out loud. But was it her that left me, or was it me desperately trying to erase her from my life that left this stain on my psyche?

I met her in 2018. We were both new and fresh service members; she was in the Air force and I was a sailor. This creature seemed innocent, and I was loving it. Instantly, my player ways guided me to the most beautiful creature that I felt would turn me into the lover that I always dreamt of being. Little did I know that behind that “good girl” façade, there was a hint of evil that showed itself in subliminal ways. My friends noticed all of the red flags and tried their hardest to lead me away from temptation. 

My entire being was lost in her presence; my soul was hungry for the little bit of intimacy that she threw my way. What was odd about this, unfortunately, was that she claimed to not to be into women. Due to having problems like this in the past, I knew better than to let myself fall for her tricks, but my god…when a witch places you in a trance, it takes forever and a day to come back to your senses.

Like an airplane, my head stayed in the clouds-thinking of all of the things I would give her…do for her…

“You need to love yourself,” my friend said to me one night, interrupting the praise I was giving this woman. Without a care for what anyone had to say, I continuously let this airman throw me up onto Cloud Nine without ever wanting to come back down. 

The time came where we went from seeing each other daily, to texting being the only contact that we kept. Miles between us, yet it felt as if she never left my side. I can remember the lonely nights of me not being able to rest my eyes; thoughts her transferring into cries from my heart. 

What was my little angel doing tonight? Became a question I would ask myself at night when she would leave my messages left with no reply. 

I became obsessed. Night after night, I drank away the pain of not being able to completely express myself to her. Almost as if she had read my mind, she would message me, sending my heart into submission once more. I would give into her words and allow her to curse me with the fake love that she gave me. 

She took me on a journey of total destruction. Being the control freak that I am, I wanted to take matters into my own hands; consequently, filling my organs with capsules that, if the right amount were taken, held my inevitable death. This pain that I was going through needed to end…no matter how it was to be handled. 

Crying in my hospital bed, visions of face were the only images that would console me. I wanted that reassurance that she loved me-or at least wanted me around in the way that I would have liked to be there. Knowing that would not be in my future, I thought to myself:

What would be the harm in telling her?

Something like this could not be done with a sober conscious. The night I put my heart on my sleeve, the floor of my barracks room was covered with bottles of Bud Light and spilled Jack Daniels. It’s too bad that I can’t remember exactly what I told her or how I said it to her, but her reaction was surprisingly sexy to me. She may not have confirmed whether she felt the same way about me or not, but I was just happy that I was able to keep having this woman show me some attention. 

For months, we talked daily and I began to think of her as my little baby. The fantasies that I created in my mind were so delicious that they would make Lucifer Morningstar himself blush and look away with a coy smirk on his face. 

To this day, I wish I could have fulfilled those dreams with her. Unfortunately, that unrequited love remained right where it stood, and pictures of her face began to disappear from my mental. 

Slowly she began to distance herself, setting my mind into a frenzy. Every time I felt as if she were gone for good, somehow this bruja would have in her mind that it was okay to come back to me and tell me how much she loved me. Deep down in my soul, I knew she was lying. It was understood that she only told me whatever it was I wanted to hear because that meant that I would send her a genuine message, flexing my figurative tongue to build up the confidence that she did not know how to give herself. No matter how long I waited or how many times I told her I truly loved her, she never admitted to having anything for me. But because I am a human who likes to go after things that are virtually unattainable, that only made me fall for her more and more. Within those few months, it was almost as if she had consumed my entire being. Emotionally, mentally, and psychologically- I had belonged to her. She knew that, and she took advantage of me.

If I were to be opened up, the surgeon would see the scars that she left on my heart by playing the little games that were only ever taken seriously back in high school. 

My head was constantly spinning, and I started to disassociate whenever she just so happened to pop into my head. This felt like death. 

The little voice in my head begged for me to start going back to therapy, but my love felt like the only therapy that I would ever need.  To mine soul’s pleasure, I gave in to the pleas and talked things out with not only a therapist, but my friend who warned me about continuing my worship of her.

Both of these people told me that it was time to let go. With everything in me, I immediately ripped off that band-aid and blocked her on every type of app that she was on. My life on social media went from solely being used to check up on her, to only using it for entertainment and interacting with the people who showed that they were really there for me. 

Life is still happening all around me, but she left the baggage of the falsities in my heart.

Coming back to reality, I notice that my lap is wet with the tears that have been rolling down my face. The jeep is filled with air so cold that it felt as if she were sitting next to me, spewing her madness to me once more. Forever will I pray for reconciliation.