Dear Diary

*This story contains mention of deteriorating mental health and suicide.*

Excerpt from Diary, Volume 1: August 5th, 2006 

           I had a lot of fun today! Mom took me to the park. Guess what? I got all the way across the monkey bars all by myself! Mom wanted to hold me up, but I told her I could do it alone. She waited for me at the end and smiled big when I got to the other side. She was proud of how brave I am. I’m getting really strong.

           I like when mom takes me places. She’s busy a lot and dad is always gone. I get bored at home, especially when the boys won’t let me play with them. It makes me sad when they go out on adventures and leave me behind. I asked mom and dad if I could have a sister, but they said no. They said I already have four brothers and that’s plenty. They don’t get it! If I had a sister, I’d take her everywhere and show her everything. My secret hiding spots, where to pick blackberries, how to climb real high. She’d never feel left out like I do.

Excerpt from Diary, Volume 2: April 6th, 2010 

           I went to the boardwalk today with Maggie, Emily, Tyler, and Anthony to see Kick-Ass. I thought this was going to be my chance to get close to Tyler. Spoiler: I’m an idiot. 

           When we went to find our seats, I tried to sit next to Tyler without making it obvious, but Maggie got between us and I ended up sitting on the aisle seat. It annoyed me, but I didn’t make a fuss. Then, halfway through the movie, I look over to my left to ask Maggie to pass the popcorn and guess what? I see Maggie and Tyler holding hands. They’re dating! Again. 

           I couldn’t take it. I went to the bathroom without telling anyone. I sat in a stall and tried to cry, but I couldn’t, even though I wanted to. I hate when that happens. 

           After 20 minutes or so, I decided to head back in. On the way out of the bathroom, I bumped into Emily. At first, I thought she came to check on me. Spoiler: I’m an idiot.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were in here! I didn’t see you leave!” So, no one even noticed I left. Shocking. She did notice my irritation and asked me what was wrong. I told her what I saw. She didn’t look surprised. In fact, she looked guilty. “You knew, didn’t you?” I asked. She told me they were going to tell me after the movie. Great. So, once again, everybody knew but me and I was pushed to the side. 

           Emily said she was sorry and that they didn’t want to hurt me. She doesn’t get it. Nobody gets it. It’s not just Tyler or the fact he’s chosen Maggie THREE TIMES before ever looking in my direction. I feel this way every day. I hate going to school because nobody even cares that I’m there. Even my own “friends” leave me out of the loop, push me to the side, forget that I’m there or don’t notice when I’m not. The only reason I get invited is because I make the plans and my parents offer to drive. 

Someone like Emily could never understand what it feels like to be invisible. Every guy wants to date her and everybody wants to be her friend. Nobody gets what it feels like to be the fat, nerdy kid. The only time anyone notices me is to bully me or ask for my homework. I am so SICK of feeling this way. Of being left out. Of being ignored. 

I just want to be seen.

Excerpt from Diary, Volume 5: November 8th, 2014

I talked to my parents about my struggles with depression today, that I wanted therapy. It went about as well as I expected it to. My dad told me that mental health “wasn’t real” and when somebody needed a pick-me-up back in his day, you gave them “wall-to-wall treatment”. My mom didn’t say much of anything, just let dad keep spewing his bullshit. Not surprised at all.

I’m exhausted. I’m tired of building up the courage to speak and being shut down. I’m tired of pretending I have homework to do because it’s easier to sit in a corner alone with a book than deal with the panic of finding a group to stand with every morning. I’m tired of seeing everyone’s photos on Instagram hanging out together while I’m sitting in my room alone. I’m tired of being the person who walks behind everyone else or gets pushed off the sidewalk. I’m tired of nothing making sense and everything being hard. It feels like I undulate between despair and hope, but never happiness. Never joy. Never peace. I’m so tired of never being okay. 

Fuck these people. Fuck this school. Fuck this town. When I graduate, I'll never look back. 2017 can’t come quick enough. 

Excerpt from Diary, Volume 6: September 2nd, 2019

           It’s been a while since I wrote here. Sorry about that. I’ll try to do better. 

My college had a convocation today and something Dr. Hollister said in his speech really resonated with me. He said everybody always says college is the best time of your life. But while these years should be memorable, they should not be the best. Rather, we should be building ourselves up and using these experiences to build a future for ourselves that is more rewarding and fulfilling than anything we could have dreamt about in college. I want to believe that that is true. I think I have to believe it is true.

I thought college would be the ultimate form of escape. That I could erase all which existed behind me and mold the future before me in any way I desired. And yet, things don’t feel all that different. Sure, the environment is different. The people are different. The expectations and regulations are different. I had presumed these external factors would be the key I needed to alter my intrinsic disposition. But nothing is better. If anything, I think this “change in scenery” has exacerbated my suffering. 

Prior to college, I was sure that my inability to form meaningful relationships had at least something to do with the space I existed in. Those people just weren’t my cup of tea and I wasn’t theirs either. That’s what I told myself. I was certain that college would change things. Yet, here I am: already a sophomore and no less pathetic than when I stepped on campus. I still don’t get invited to parties. I still struggle to find my voice or look people in the eyes. And I’m still everybody’s last choice. Sure, I hang around my roommate and suitemate. But everybody, including myself, knows the truth. We’re all friends, but Jane and Isabella are best friends. They’re the inseparable duo. I’m the tag-along. 

I thought with a new place and new direction, things would be different. But, now I see; the problem wasn’t my old classmates or school or hometown. It was me. It’s always been my fault, hasn’t it? I used to wish that people would just see me, but I was never invisible. I was repulsive. People weren’t looking through me, they were simply looking away.

Dr. Henter said in one of his lectures that there are some people that are destined to be the cynic or the poet. I think maybe I am destined to be alone. I don’t want to be seen anymore. I just want to disappear. Why would anyone persevere with a destiny like that? 

It feels like believing Dr. Hollister’s words are my only hope, but I’m not sure what hope has ever done for me. 

Excerpt from Diary, Volume 7: January 2nd, 2023

           I don’t really do this anymore, but I have no one to talk to and I need to get my thoughts out. Here goes.

           I’ve always been a lonely person. The ‘stand in a room with hundreds of people you know, and no one walks up to you’ kind of lonely. The ‘maybe I would’ve had more fun if I’d just stayed home’ kind of lonely. 

But I’m realizing now that, while lonely, I took steps to make sure I wasn’t alone. I’ve come to find that there’s a difference. In both high school and college, I joined a lot of groups. Band, Film Club, Poet Society, extracurricular sports, whatever. I have never been a “resume child” and I was fairly apathetic to most of the hobbies. So, why did I keep joining? Why did I keep putting myself in positions where I would be reminded of my disposability? I believe it was to keep the feeling of being alone at bay. No, I was never invited to the drink-up after the volleyball matches or to brunch with the Writing Club or to the movies with the anime enthusiasts. But, as long as I was a member of the group, I could convince myself that I at least belonged somewhere, even if it was the outskirts.

But, now…There’s no school anymore. There’s no dorm lobby to walk to. There’s no mandated group projects. I spent the last two years of college begging life to speed up, to get me out of those lecture halls and usher in a new era of change. Well, I got it. No roommate to yell at me to shut off my phone alarm. No professors to call me in for a midterm evaluation. No evening meetings to drag myself out of bed for. It is this newfound freedom that taught me loneliness is not the same as being alone. I had never been both before. Both are heavy. Combined, they are crushing. 

I used to long for this type of anonymity. But I didn’t comprehend how far reaching and penetrative its isolation would be. Dishes pile up with no one to care that they’re unwashed. Days go by without a text, call, or email. Strangers smiling as they pass by on the sidewalk becomes a sustenance for which I silently beg them to give me. Adulthood promised me freedom from the constant reminder of other’s rejection. It is only now that I realize that rejection is still a form of acknowledgment.

I used to ask myself what hope had ever done for me. I think hope is a liar.

Note, Volume ?: January 27th, 2023

           I’m exhausted. I don’t know how many notes I’ve written. I can’t write another. I’m sorry. To anyone who needs it: I love you. 

P.S. Please take care of my dog.

Excerpt from Eulogy, January 30th, 2023

           She was a wonderful daughter, sister, and friend, loved by many. She will be dearly missed…