A Girl That Turned Out To Be Me

November 12, 1708, Helena Thornber

“Can you keep a secret?” Adelaide whispers shakily. I had found her crying on the floor, a complete mess. “Of course, whatever is the matter?” I kneel next to her on the dirt floor of the dim basement, trying, and failing, not to dirty my new dress. She hesitates, and then rises to her feet. “It’s nothing. Pay it no mind,” she says, wiping her face and composing herself. I stand up to meet her eyes and take her hands in mine. “Addi, you know you can tell me anything, truly.” She sighs, and after a moment, finally opens her mouth to speak. “I think… I th-think that I’m... in love with a girl.” 

I immediately drop her hands and turn my head so she can’t see the scarlet blush overtaking my face. “What do you mean?” I ask flatly, even though I very well know what she means. She doesn’t answer me, just buries her face in her hands. “I-it’s against the law. You’ll be hung!” I lower my voice to an anxious whisper. “Which is exactly why you mustn’t tell anyone!” She says coldly, pushing past me and running up the stairs, back to the kitchen.

My head is buzzing with a million thoughts. Adelaide White has been my best friend for almost six years, ever since her tenth birthday, and now, n-now there is cause for her execution! I am overcome by countless emotions, but predominantly, a burning jealousy. Who is this girl she loves? Is it... no, no, it could never be me. There’s no way.

The jealousy quickly turns into a caustic anger. After all of staring, and blushing, and “just friends” hand holding, and laughing together, and too-long hugs. Not only is she risking her life by loving a girl, but she is risking her life by loving a girl that isn’t me.

November 13, 1708, Adelaide White

I lay flat on my back in bed, eyes thoroughly fixated on the ceiling. When I told her, it was like a weight had been lifted off my chest, but it was placed back ten times heavier when I was far too scared to tell her the full truth.

How could I possibly destroy what we have now, though? Right now, she sees me as her happy, normal, best friend, and I don’t even want to know how she would see me if she knew… if she knew that she was the girl. Would I really throw away this amazing, beautiful, loving friendship for an illegal and quite likely nonexistent- I hardly know what to call it- relationship?! Even if I did tell her, what then? There’s no way she could feel the same about me. She’s a good person; a normal person.

I am pulled away from my disorganized thoughts by a loud clap of thunder, followed by the chorus of raindrops hitting the roof. 

Oh, no, the laundry! I jump out of bed, stumbling out of the room. Pulling on a coat over my nightdress, I run outside to get the clothes off the line.

Helena happens to be walking on the path in front of my house, and notices me struggling. She silently works with me to fill the two baskets with the clothes, and we sprint inside. “Thank you,” I say, chuckling, and she nods her head in response, avoiding eye contact. She walks over to where we keep the towels and pulls out two. “Do you want me to help you dry your hair, Addi?” She asks. Though she still won’t meet my eyes, it is most certainly progress from her pretending I don’t exist. But her?! Touching my hair?! That sounds absolutely, positively, nerverackingly- “Yes, please.” 

Why? Why in God’s name did I say that? I hold my breath as her fingers brush against my neck, and stifle a giggle. She hears, though, and despite her newfound cold demeanor, she can’t resist an opportunity to make me laugh. She throws the towel over my head and uses it to tousle my hair as I laugh. “Stop! You’re messing up my hair!!” I shriek, but we’re both giggling. “Sorry. I’ll fix it.” She smooths down my hair and starts combing through it with her fingers. I close my eyes, unable to say I’m not enjoying it.

What am I thinking?! I immediately open my eyes and try to snap back to reality. I do not love Helena! I lie silently for the thousandth time. Even if I did, there’s no way she could ever feel the same. I wish I could just put the thought out of my head; make it disappear forever, but I can’t.

“All done,” she says sweetly, unaware of this emotional turmoil. “W-would you like me to dry yours?” I stutter, eager to feel her touch again. She gestures to her dry hair, still secure under her hat. “Thank you, though.” I nod, thoroughly embarrassed. “Um, would you like some tea?” I ask, walking over to the kettle. “Yes, that would be nice.” I pass her a cup of warm tea and get one for myself. I sit down, and Helena speaks, “Goodness, Addi, your hands are shaking.” She takes my hand in hers and holds it. “Are you cold?” I shrug in response, a silly grin plastered on my face. “You’re still in your nightdress, Addi! You’re bound to catch a chill!” She takes off her shawl and drapes it over my shoulders while I smile enormously at the ground.

November 27, 1708, Helena Thornber

It’s been a full two weeks since I’ve last seen Addi. Gosh, I miss her so much, but she’s probably busy with the other girl. Yesterday was her birthday, and I want to see her soon, to give her the present I got her. I pull the bundle out from underneath my bed again. Wrapped in layers of cloth, there is a small, elegant, watch with a pearly face, connected to a shining silver chain. I flip the watch in my hand and trace the engraved initials: A.W.; Adelaide White. I’ve saved all my money for months to afford it.

In the past two weeks, the cold, rainy, atmosphere has turned brutally cold and snowy, and the cold air stings my face as I start up the fireplace. I’m nearly finished when I am startled by a sudden knock at the door.

I pull open the door and smile when I see who it is. “Addi! Come inside, it’s freezing cold.” Beaming, she gestures behind her. “Look what my parents got me for my birthday!!” Behind her she is pulling a wooden sled. It isn’t very big, just enough space for two people. “Helena, do come sledding with me!” She asks, her tone almost begging. “I’d be delighted! Let me get my coat and boots.”

Of course I need my warm clothes for sledding, but that isn’t the real reason I run back inside. I can’t wait to give her the present, and I tuck it inside my petticoat.

This will be my first time going sledding in years. We’re too old for such activities, but I don’t care. I’m still pulling on my coat as we run out the door, Addi dragging the sled behind her, and we keep running until we get to the highest hill in town.

November 27, 1708, Adelaide White

It’s awfully awkward for Helena to sit behind me on the sled, with her legs practically wrapped around me, and I think she notices as well, but we both end up fitting. We both love sledding, even though it is a bit childish. It just feels incredible, wind and snow blowing in my face, racing down the hill at a speed that feels unfathomable, and Helena hugging me.

I’m starting to think that perhaps I can live with this. Perhaps I can live with staying just friends. Getting to spend time with her, getting to be close to her; she doesn’t feel the same, but this is so much better than nothing. It’s far more painful, though. 

My train of thought comes to a bitter end as the sled hits a rock, and Helena and I are launched into the snow.

November 27, 1708, Helena Thornber

I stand up, uninjured and laughing a little, but my expression immediately darkens when I see that Adelaide was not so fortunate. She is holding her leg gingerly, and her face is twisted in pain.

“Adelaide! Are you alright?” I run the short distance to her and fall to my knees beside her. “It’s my ankle,” she explains through gritted teeth. Now that we are covered in snow and slush, it becomes painfully aware to us how cold it is. I notice Addi shivering.

“Addi, we need to get indoors. We should go to my house; it’s much closer.” She nods in agreement, but when she tries to stand, she falls back down with a stifled cry. “Here, let me help you.” I tailor my touch to be especially tender as I put one arm around her waist and hold her hand with the other. Despite the dire circumstances, I can’t help but notice how she leans into me slightly, and blushes when my fingertips meet hers. Hmm. Strange.

I help her to her feet, and pull the sled behind us with my other hand. I try to angle my face away from her, so that she cannot see me wince every time she cries out. The trek takes much longer than usual, as expected, but we finally arrive home. I don’t think a wooden chair would be very comfortable, so I help her walk over to and sit upon my bed. 

After removing her boot, I can see that her ankle is badly sprained, and I bandage it the best I can.

November 27, 1708, Adelaide White

Helena hands me a cloth filled with snow to press against my injury. The gentle way she cares for me makes my heart flutter. “Thank you so much, Helena,” I say sincerely, grinning ear to ear despite my pain. “Of course, Addi, I’m just concerned for you.” She takes my hand again and sits down next to me on the bed, so we’re only inches apart. God, she’s so beautiful. “Oh!” Helena gasps, seeming to remember something. “I got you a birthday present! I know it’s late… but-” She’s so excited! It’s absolutely adorable. I interrupt her, “Don’t be ridiculous; that doesn’t matter a bit. Can I open it?!” She nods eagerly and shoves a cloth bundle into my hands, smiling wide. I unwrap it and gasp in delight.

“Oh, Helena, it’s just beautiful!” I squeal. “Can you…?” I trail off, lifting my hair from my neck to show what I mean. She stands and does the clasp for me, securing the gorgeous watch chain around my neck. Her hands linger on my shoulders for a minute before she quietly mutters, “Sorry,”, sits back down, blushing from embarrassment. She looks back at me, meeting my eyes, and suddenly something clicks.

The cold way she reacted thinking I liked someone else, the way she cares for me, how she always smiles and blushes around me, this spectacular present, the stolen glaces, the hand holding, so much more!

Perhaps she does feel the same! No, who am I kidding? Of course she doesn’t, it’s impossible. But---

Before I can proceed with my chaotic ramblings, I grab Helena’s face and kiss her. I feel her kiss back, then smile into the kiss, placing one hand on my waist and one in my hair, where they fit perfectly. She loves me! I can hardly believe it.

She breaks the kiss, pulling away. “Wait,” she gasps, beaming, “I’m the girl? I’m the girl you love?!” Of course she is! “Depends…” I comment flirtatiously,

“Can you keep a secret?”

The End. That’s All Folks, Hope You Liked It.